Blue Christmas

Getting through the holidays is much more difficult that getting through "normal" days. I would have preferred to pretend that it wasn't Christmas that first year after Ron died. But, television specials, Christmas songs, and decorations everywhere I went would have made it impossible to ignore the holiday even if I could. Nick was just a toddler when Ron died so I couldn't exactly skip Christmas. So, I went through the motions just like I thought I should.

That first year was definitely the hardest. I honestly don't remember how I got through except that I did it one day at a time. I tried not to think of all that would take place between Nick's birthday on November 2nd and New Year's Day. I just lived one day at a time. I didn't make a lot of holiday plans. I felt uncomfortable around other families who were celebrating. I just wanted to be left alone. Contrary to the old saying... misery does NOT love company.

As the years have passed, I have learned a little more with each holiday season. Here are a few tips for surviving the holidays after the loss of a loved one. If this is your first Christmas after your loss, I pray that these tips will help you get through December (and the dreaded New Year's Eve) better than I did.

1. Don't try to block your mind of your happy memories. It won't work and you will end up even more miserable that you think you will. Instead, look through photos of happy times and celebrate your wonderful memories. If you have a large family, have family members and friends tell funny stories about your loved one. You may not be able to imagine it but... I promise that you will laugh together. I also promise that you will cry but it will be a good cry.

2. Find a special candle and light it during the holidays to remember. The warmth of the glow of the candle will be comforting and it is a physical reminder that your loved one is always with you. I have a special candle for Ron that I keep in my bedroom. I made sure to purchase a very large candle and I don't light it all the time... just on special occasions so it will last. I also placed it in a large hurricane votive so that it is very pretty and protected.

3. If you do not have small children or grandchildren, don't feel pressured to go all out with Christmas decorations if you don't want to. It is perfectly reasonable to have a simple nativity scene as a reminder of the season.

4. If you think that your traditional ways of celebrating the holidays will be painful, do things differently. You should discuss this with other family members and make the decision together. One idea is to leave town! Go somewhere that you have never been before and create a new memory. It may be comforting to you and/or to your family to keep your family traditions. If so... go for it. But, if you think it will make the holidays harder to get through, you should not keep with your traditions. You may decide to keep one tradition the same but change others. You decide what works best for you and your family. Maybe start a few new traditions to add to your old ones?

5. Pour yourself and your grief into someone who needs you. I have found that doing for someone else helps take the focus off of my own pain. There is always someone else who is hurting physically, emotionally, financially, spiritually, etc. Find a need that fits your gifts and pour yourself into them. A friend of mine visited our office yesterday. She lost her son in a tragic accident about eight years ago. Christmas is very hard for her. She keeps herself busy by making little goodie bags and delivering them to others. She is channeling her energy into something positive and it is helping her get through a difficult time.

6. Hang a special ornament on your tree in memory of your loved one. After Ron and I were married, a friend of my in-laws painted a beautiful ornament with a church-snow scene. On the back it has our names and our wedding date. This is one of my most prized ornaments and it always takes it's place front and center on my tree each year.

7. Instead of dealing with the crowds of holiday shoppers and having to get through decorated stores and crowds of happy families and couples shopping hand-in-hand, order online or just give gift cards. Don't put yourself through it!

8. Donate the money you would have spent on a gift for your loved one to a charity that was significant to them. Give the gift in their memory.

9. Hang a stocking for your loved one. Ask visiting friends and family to write notes about him or her and place them in the stocking for you to read when you are up to it.

10. Take care of yourself! Get outside and get fresh air. Don't hibernate. Eat healthy snacks. You may not feel up to big holiday meals but keep yourself healthy by eating small snacks throughout the day. Exercise - even if it's just a short walk. Clear air, movement, sunshine, and a little protein will help you feel better about yourself and your situation. Sitting alone inside a dark house because you just want to escape is not good for you and will probably push you into a deep depression. I know it's hard to think about taking care of yourself when you just want to crawl under the covers and cry but at least try. It really will make you feel a bit better.

11. I know what I just said in number 10 but... it is also OK to crawl under the covers and cry. Just don't stay there all day. Cry your eyes out and then go for a walk. Try a different environment for a new perspective.

12. Be prepared! Memories will come on like a flood and overwhelm you. Know that something like hanging a particular ornament on the tree or a special song will trigger the flood. Know that it is coming so that it doesn't catch you off guard. And... know that this is normal. Don't beat yourself up or start feeling like you shouldn't be so upset over something so silly. Your feelings are real and never silly. Go with it... and then let it go.

13. Don't go to any New Year's Eve parties or even have people over. In my case - I went to bed before the stroke of midnight and just pretended it was like any other day. The last thing I wanted was to be around happy couples kissing at the stroke of midnight or seeing them on one of the television specials.

14. Be honest about your feelings and what makes things easier or more difficult for you when you are talking to friends and family members. They will be worried about you and may want to force you to participate in their festivities to keep you occupied or distracted. Tell them how you feel. Let them know that you appreciate their efforts. Accept invitations if you feel up to it. But don't feel guilty if you aren't up to it and be honest about those feelings with anyone extending an invitation. Maybe offer an alternative like going out to a movie (less talking involved).

If this is your first holiday season after the loss of a loved one I can assure you that subsequent years won't be as hard. After 11 years without Ron, I still miss him and wish he was here. I still cry just a little when a certain song comes on the radio. I just cry a little less each year.

I pray that these tips will help you cope through this difficult time.

I encourage you to spend time with Jesus - He is the gift of hope for us all and the promise of eternal life with those we hold dear.

Sweet Blessings,
LeAnn

Celebrating Anne

My sweet friend, Anne Belk, went to live with Jesus in August. (Read related post) Tomorrow would have been Anne's birthday. In honor of her birthday, Wendy Pope has written a beautiful devotion celebrating Anne and the impact she had on others. (Read the devotion)

Anne lived her life for Jesus. Nothing made her happier than leading others to Christ. Her devotion to her Lord and Savior inspired Wendy's devotion in honor of Anne.

My friends...

Please read the devotion.

Please pray that many will come to know Jesus through Anne's devotion.

Please forward the devotion to your friends and family.

Please pray for Anne's family. Her husband and children are grieving the loss of the heart of their home. They celebrate her new residence, but miss her terribly.

Sweet Blessings,
LeAnn

Changes

When someone you love has died, the holidays will never again be the same. Anniversaries, birthdays, Valentine's Day, Christmas and other special occasions bring with them a renewed sense of loss. Ron died 11 years ago. The "firsts" were extremely difficult and very painful. But, even now, his absence is magnified during special occasions. There are days when I could easily be tempted to boycott all holidays.

Do you feel this way? Would you like to sweep Christmas under the rug this year? You can certainly celebrate the gift of Christ without a tree filled with ornaments, a pile of Christmas cookies and a wreath on your door. If you don't have children or grandchildren that you need to "put on a good act for," consider just placing a nativity scene in a prominent location and focus your attention on the hope that Jesus brings.

I would love to tell you that this will "fix" your holiday and make it less painful but I would be lying. Christmas is going to hurt. There are, however, ways to get through.

First and foremost... rely on God. In Him you will find strength. Allow Him to carry you through the difficult days. Keep your mind focused on Jesus and the hope and peace that He brings. And allow yourself to cry. Don't try to be brave for those around you. Grief has no timetable. If this is your first, second, or even your tenth Christmas without a loved one, whatever you feel is real and you need to just go with it.

I have found that pouring myself into someone else takes the focus off of my grief and helps me get through the holiday season. I can bring Christmas to a shut-in, write Christmas cards for someone who can no longer write, shop for a neighbor who is homebound, serve dinner at a shelter, etc. Turning my attention to someone elses hardship gives me a sense of purpose.

If you have children or grandchildren to consider, you may want to continue your holiday traditions... just tweak them a little bit. Family traditions provide children with a sense of security in a world full of changes. A loss is a significant change. Continuing with family traditions, even if you alter them a bit, helps them feel secure.

You can also start some new traditions like keeping a special candle lit throughout the holidays in honor of your loved one. I have a couple of Christmas ornaments on my tree that people made after Ron died to honor his memory. I place them prominently front and center on my Christmas tree as a celebration of his life and the memories I have of our lives together.

I'll share some of our Christmas traditions later this week. In the meantime, I would love to hear if you created new traditions to honor someone that has died. We are in this together, my friends!

Sweet Blessings,
LeAnn

One Pea Short of a Pod!

Ron died but life had to go on. Nick was just three years old and he needed my full attention. I couldn't be 50% of a mom so I quickly got my act together and went on with the day-to-day "normal" activities of life. You know... laundry, grocery shopping, caring for my sweet little boy, eating, sleeping, and taking out the trash. From all appearances, everyone thought I was doing well. But... appearances are usually deceiving.

As I went about my daily activities, I found myself "forgetting" that Ron had died. I shopped for him, fixed my hair and makeup for him and made his favorite meals. Seriously! I would go to the grocery store and purchase enough chicken breasts so that we would have enough for dinner and leftovers. Sometimes the reality of what I had done hit me before I actually cooked the chicken the way he liked it. Sometimes not until after. Once I even bought him a new shirt! Well... it was his color.

This crazy behavior went on for a couple of months. I was afraid to let anyone know what was going on because I thought they might think I had lost my mind and lock me up. Quite honestly, I was concerned about my sanity. Every time I did something "foolish" I burst into tears as soon as I realized what I had done.

When your lifemate dies, it can cause you to question your identity and your purpose. It's not that I changed who I was, what I believed, or what was important to me. It's not as if Ron asked me to change. It's just that this is what naturally happens when you marry. You become a couple and so much of who you are is wrapped up in that. It took me a while to recreate who I was and to stop shopping for my other half.

Has your situation or your grief caused you to do anything "crazy?" I'd love to hear about it. It makes me feel better to know that I'm not in the only one that's a pea short of a pod!

Sweet Blessings,
LeAnn

Happy Anniversary

Today would have been my 19th anniversary. I can honestly say that Ron and I haven't had a single disagreement in the last 11 years (smile). The only issue that I would like to disagree with is his change of address. I know it's selfish of me to want him to have stayed here with me so that we could have grown old together. I try my best to be happy for him. After all - he's no longer in any pain; he's not hooked up to any IVs; he doesn't have to worry about the cost of gasoline; he doesn't have to worry about getting wrinkles and a round tummy... He is perfect in every way and gloriously happy and I focus on that 99% of the time. It's that remaining 1% that gets me into trouble!

I'm sure that life doesn't turn out the way any of us think it will. In my case, I thought that Ron and I would have more children and that we would raise our family together with lots of laughter and lots of adventures. After the children graduated from college, solved world hunger, found a cure for cancer, earned their first million as well as various Nobel prizes (OK - all parents dream big and know that their children are brilliant) Ron and I would retire and begin traveling the world (which our brilliant children would finance). But, Ron died when our only child was just three years old and I became a single mom.

BUT GOD (two of my favorite words) has been with us every step of the way and through faith and hope (and lots of friends) we have found ways to make the best of our situation. Letting go of my dreams made room for God to fulfill me in ways that I never dreamed possible. Setting my plans aside made room for God's plans for my life and His are so much grander than anything I could have come up with!

Today is one of the difficult days that make up that 1% of the time that I struggle to be happy for Ron but... as an anniversary gift to Ron, today I am making the choice not to mourn what was lost but to celebrate was found.

My friends, I pray that you know God's presence as each new layer of grief is uncovered, and each new milestone and significant date passes. Letting go will allow Him to fill you and to provide for ALL your needs.

"And the same God who takes care of me will supply all your needs from his glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:19) (NLT)

Sweet Blessings,
LeAnn

Filling in the Gaps with Grace

If you are visiting after reading my article "Filling in the Gaps with Grace" in the December issue of the P31 Woman magazine... welcome! It's great to have you visit. I hope that you will find hope and encouragement, as well as practical ideas.

If you didn't read the article and would like to, just click on the magazine image.


Throughout the month of December I will be sharing how Nick and I got through all of the "firsts" without Ron - the first Christmas, the first birthday, the first year, etc. I will also provide practical tips for creating new traditions, helping others who are grieving, menu and gift ideas, and lots more. I'm looking forward to spending this time with you and hope to hear from you as we get through this together!

Sweet Blessings,
LeAnn

An Empty Place at the Table

I'm having a hard time counting my blessings today. The holidays are always a little rough and it doesn't seem to change as the years go by. In 1 Thessalonians 5:18 we are instructed to give thanks in everything for it is God's will for us in Christ Jesus. Don't get me wrong... I am very thankful. I am thankful for my amazing son. I am thankful for the air that I breathe. I am thankful for my church, my job, and the many friends and family that God has placed in my life. I am thankful that I live in a country where I can own several Bibles and that I don't have to fear reading the Word of God. I am thankful for Jesus - because of the hope I have in Him, I know that I will see Ron again and I know that, while I am struggling at this moment, Ron is pain free and radiant.

If you are having a hard time thinking about Thanksgiving and feeling like you just want to crawl under the covers and cry, let's try to lift ourselves out - together! Here are some things that we can all be thankful for today, no matter what our circumstances:

• We are saved by His grace
• We are safe in the arms of the Son and the Father
• We have everlasting life in Christ
• We shall never be separated by anything from His love
• We will be where His is in eternity
• We are certain that to die will be gain
• We have the peace of God
• We will be raised with Him in the morning of the resurrection
• We can do all things through Christ
• We have the throne of grace to come to
• We have the blessed hope of a new heaven and a new earth with a new body

The apostle, Paul, knew that the riches he had in Jesus were far greater than any suffering he must endure on earth. He continued to look up, focusing on what was waiting for him... what is waiting for all of us.

My friends, let's adopt Paul's attitude of gratitude as we face another Thanksgiving with an empty place at the table. Instead of looking at that place as empty - how about setting another place at the table? Set a place for Jesus next to the place where your loved one would sit as a visual reminder that is filled with hope. One day we will all be sitting at His table... together. That is something we can all be thankful for.

Wishing you a hope-filled Thanksgiving!

Sweet Blessings,
LeAnn

Giving Thanks!

"Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his steadfast love endures forever!"

This week is a great time to focus on the things we are thankful for and to get into the habit of thankfulness! Life is filled with good days and bad days but, no matter how challenging our circumstances may be or how much our heart may be hurting, we can be grateful that the sun still rises each morning and the sky is filled with the most amazing constellation and that we have air to breath. I recently stumbled across this quote:

"Ralph Waldo Emerson observed that if the constellations appeared only once in a thousand years, what an exciting event it would be. Because they're there every night, we barely look." (On This Day, Robert J. Morgan)

Isn't that so true! We take the everyday miracles for granted because they are there every day. I'm going to make a point of looking at the stars tonight and thanking God for the miracle of the extraordinary constellations.

I was watching Fox News and Friends this morning and Glen Beck was a guest. They were discussing the economy (hmmmm... isn't that at uplifting conversation first thing in the morning?). Mr. Beck has been on a book tour for his new book and he shared an observation has has made during his travels. In the northern part of the country there is fear when discussing the economy. However, in the southeastern part of the country that he referred to as the Bible belt, there is concern but no fear. Before an audience of millions, Mr. Beck said that this is because we have hope in something so much greater. While we may be concerned, we are not fearful.

Hope is what gets me through every hurtful circumstance. No matter what... the King is still on the throne, He is with me in all circumstances and I have Jesus in my heart and a hope in life everlasting. Amen!

May you be filled with hope today my friends.

Sweet Blessings,
LeAnn

Accident?

My son, Nick, was an "accident." Ron and I weren't planning on having children for two more years. We were both working and Ron had gone back to school. In two years he would finish school and would return to work full time and we would get pregnant. Yup... we had a plan! And then the positive sign on the stick!

I remember being nervous about telling Ron I was pregnant. He was much more of a goal-setter than I was. He made lists and actually stuck to them. (I make lists and then change them as often as my mood changes.) I was waiting for the look of panic to cross his otherwise calm and peaceful face - the look that said, "Wait. This is not on my list for two more years." I was expecting to watch as he then made adjustments to his list of short-term and long-term goals to accommodate this unexpected turn of events. Instead... he started to laugh! He was actually tickled pink... literally!

Ron was a great dad and we couldn't wait to have a second child. This one would be a little girl. (Yup... we still thought we could plan everything!) Then Ron was diagnosed with cancer before Nick's second birthday. We had just started to "plan" on our next pregnancy. We even chose her name. While Ron had a great prognosis, the doctor said that the treatment would make him sterile. There would be no more children. At the time I could have cared less. All I wanted was for Ron to get through treatment so we could watch our sweet little boy grow up and then grow old together.

Nick was three and a half when his daddy died. He is now 15 and I often think about the plans that Ron and I had for our family. If we had stuck to our plan, I wouldn't have Nick. Sure... life would be less smelly without a teenage boy in the house but I am so very grateful to have him in my life. He looks more and more like his dad every day and he makes me very proud... almost all the time (smile).

I have a verse that I keep on my desk: "What I have said, that will I bring about; what I have planned, that will I do." (Isaiah 46:11) To me, this verse says that I can make all the plans that I want but ultimately, whatever God has promised to bring about is what's going to happen. His promises are true. His Word is life. He promises to comfort and He does. He fills my empty space. He gives me hope through Christ.

My little accident was no accident. Nick is a miracle. (I'll try to remember that the next time I find a week-old bowl of curdled cereal in his room.)

Blessings,
LeAnn

Promise Kept!

OK Friends... I promised that I would get off my soapbox and write something positive. (Smile) I noticed that two or three of my posts this month were bitter rantings. Now, they were responses to something that had happened but still... there is no need for me to get on my soap box about it. So today I am keeping my promise to write something more positive!

This my not seem all that positive in the beginning but it is what it is...

From the time Ron was diagnosed with cancer to the time he changed his address and went home to Jesus, I only saw him cry once. He cried for me. He cried because he felt guilty about leaving me and Nick alone. He cried because he felt guilty about not having life insurance. He cried because I was going to have to raise our son alone.

I guess it's a guy thing. He was feeling guilty about shirking on what he felt were his responsibilities as the man of the house. It broke my heart to see him so broken over things that didn't matter to me in the least. I just wanted Ron. I didn't care about the finances.

In my own quirky way, I decided to "cheer him up" (ok - that sounds lame) by listing all the ways my life would be just fine after he was gone. Of course I mentioned how much easier it was going to be to clean the bathroom since he wouldn't be here to destroy the toilet seat (or the floor around it). I wouldn't have to pick up his dirty underwear and put them in the laundry basket (which was only a few feet from where he tossed them on the floor). I could wear slimming black every day for the rest of my life and no one could say anything about it! I would get full control of the TV remote control. (No more Star Trek episodes!) I could listen to "chick music" and watch "chick flicks" without having him make fun of me. Oh... and there would be no more farting or belching in the house!

Some people may think that I was being quite morbid but it worked for us. Ron and I loved to laugh and finding something to laugh about in the midst of such sadness helped us cope.

I now have a teenage son and guess what....? All of the things that I told Ron that I wouldn't have to put up with after he was gone... I'm putting up with! Yup - I have a teenager who misses the toilet seat, throws his underwear on the floor (a few feet from the laundry basket), makes fun of me when I watch a "chick flick" and laughs hysterically every time he farts. He's turned into his dad and I wouldn't have it any other way!

Sweet (and smelly) Blessings,
LeAnn

I'm Sorry!

Ya'll... I just realized that my recent posts are a bit negative and have a single-focus... other's imposing their opinions and expectations on us. I am so sorry and I pray that this has not caused you to feel discouraged!

While this type of "advice" is common... it is not the only advice or support that I have received, nor, I certainly hope, have you. It's just that this type of unsolicited advice seems to illicit a strong response from me! Actually, I have many amazing friends and supporters who simply love on me... just the way I am. I pray that you have wonderful friends in your life too and I promise to make my next post one of encouragement!

Joy-Filled Blessings!
LeAnn

For Kristy

Do you suppose that, along with the label "widow" comes a sign plastered across our forehead that says, "Why don't you tell me what I should do now?" Now I am the first to admit that I made some REALLY stupid decisions within the first year after Ron died. But, they were my decisions to make. No one was hurt by them and I learned from both good choices and my poor choices. Maybe this is just part of the grieving process?

For my friend Kristy, I have walked this road before you and I know how frustrating it can be when others have expectations for you. Here is what I have learned along the way:

• You can't please everyone.
• No one else knows what is best for you.
• No one else can tell you what to do with your life or how you should move on.
• You will have good days and bad days... neither defines who you are or how you are doing.
• Walls will definitely appear before you - with no warning. It's OK... This will happen. Don't worry about climbing over it or even going around it. You will when you are ready. Maybe the wall before you is a sign that you should stop, rest, and pray? Don't let the wall intimidate or discourage you.
  
• Go easy on yourself! Give yourself a break! It has been less than a year. I didn't move on (at least the way others expected me to) for a couple of years. I just went through the motions of life until God showed me that I was ready for something more.
• You have no idea what God has planned for your life. Let the possibilities excite you as you wait in anticipation.
• No matter where you are, and where you choose to live, your home is in God's heart and in the palm of His hand. You do have a place where you "reside" always... even as you search for your earthly residence.
  
• And... hold on to this truth:
  

"Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ." (Galatians 1:10)

I believe in you Kristy. What you do with your life and which path you choose to take is between you and God... no one else. I think you are doing GREAT!

Sweet Blessings,
LeAnn

Jesus Wept

Have you ever felt discouraged or even "guilty" when a Christian friend or someone from church felt the need to tell you that you have no reason to cry over the death of a loved one? You know what I'm talking about. People who say that if you truly were a Christian you wouldn't shed a tear because you have hope in Jesus...

Baloney!

Knowing that we will see our husbands, wives, parents, children again in Heaven does not exactly eliminate our pain. The loss, even temporary, is still very painful. I cry when my son leaves for a couple weeks in the summer to visit grandparents. I miss him when he is gone. I'm certainly not comparing my son's two week absence to the loss of a loved one. I'm simply saying that missing someone that you love is a very real emotion and one that elicits tears.

I cried myself to sleep every night for six months after Ron died. I missed him terribly. I wanted to tell him about my day. I wanted to hear his laugh. I wanted him to take out the garbage! I know exactly where Ron is and I celebrate the time I had with him and I celebrate that I will see him again. But... I still weep. I still miss him. My grief and my tears do not minimize my faith! Crying out to God makes my faith stronger. Turning to Him strengthens our relationship.

Jesus, himself, wept. He wept in the garden. He wept when His friend Lazarus died. He did not weep out of grief for Lazarus since He knew that He was about to raise him from the dead. But perhaps Jesus wept out of sadness for those around Him. He wept over the effects of death.

Any significant loss can bring on a state of grief. It could be the loss of a job, the loss of a marriage to divorce, the loss of a beloved pet, or the loss of a home. Grief is a strong emotion and it is not normal - nor is it healthy - to keep these emotions bottled up inside. Let it out. Cry, cry, cry!

My friends, Jesus wept and He welcomes our tears. Cry out to Him when you are grieving and let Him wipe the tears away. Grow closer to Him as you allow Him to comfort you.

Sweet, Tear-Filled Blessings,
LeAnn

Joy!

Some of you may remember that my sweet friend, Anne, went to live with Jesus just two short months ago. (See my August 3rd post to read more about Anne.) Anne remains such an inspiration to those of us who have to muddle through here on earth without her, until the day when we will all be together.

I spoke with Anne's husband earlier today and I want to share something he said...

"If Anne found joy in suffering - I can find joy in living."

He went on to share about Anne's final days and how she found joy no matter what. She praised Jesus right up until her final breath and she smiled as she passed from this world to the next. Anne suffered a great deal, physically. But her heart was filled with love for her family and friends, and the hope she has in Jesus. Like I said... Anne truly was and will remain an inspiration to all who have been blessed to know her.

All of us who have experienced the death of a loved one will continue to go through difficult days and will continue to cry ourselves to sleep on occasion, no matter how much time has passed. But, today I challenge all of us... for Anne... today, find joy in living. Count your blessings. Praise the LORD for who He is and all He has done in and through your life thus far. And, if you don't know Jesus... CLICK HERE. In honor of Anne, I would like to introduce you to our best friend and Savior!

Blessings my friends,
LeAnn

Married to Jesus!

Ya'll... I cannot believe the number of people that think it is their responsibility to find me a husband. It's as if I simply can't be happy on my own. For 11 years well-meaning friends have tried to set me up, introduce me to their brother or cousin (or father!), convince me to sign up for eharmony, etc., because they can't imagine that I really am absolutely fine. I had a great marriage. I have a great son. Do I get lonely sometimes... of course I do. But, my life is very full. I have a wonderful job. I get to work with amazing, Christ-filled women every day. I am raising a teenage boy on my own (with a little help from the Big Guy) so that keeps me pretty busy. I am active at my church and in my community. I have wonderful friends. Life is good!

I have come across lots of single women in my adult life. Those that have never been married. Some that are divorced. Some are widowed. Many of these women appear to be "man-hunters!" It's like they just don't believe that they can be happy and fulfilled without a husband. They just have to have a man in their life! Well... that part is true. They are just looking for the wrong man.

I have Jesus! He is everything I need all the time. He never disappoints me. He never lets me down. He never gives up on me. He is always there when I need Him. He loves me without measure. He thinks I am absolutely perfect. He doesn't care about my extra layer. He is perfect in every way!

Please don't misunderstand me... I'm not saying that I don't have days when the loneliness creeps in or I get a bit depressed. It definitely happens. I still cry myself to sleep sometimes. I miss Ron. I miss not having him to share stuff with. But, the reality is that he is not here. I can choose to feel sorry for myself. I can choose to become a "man-hunter" because I'm just not good enough on my own. Or, I can choose joy and relish in what I do have. Today - I'm choosing joy! Today - I'm celebrating all that I have and all that God does in and through my life. No matter what happens... God is always there... all the time... in every way.

Remember... you are NEVER alone. God loves you my friends, and so do I.

Sweet Blessings,
LeAnn

The Widow of Zarephath

I'm sorry that it's been a few weeks since you've heard from me. I was coordinating an event for my church and was a bit overwhelmed. You can read about the event on one of my other blogs (complete with pictures). The event was Around the World in 80 Minutes. It was a progressive dinner and silent auction. I posted different photos on www.LeAnnRice.com and www.SOJoyful.blogspot.com, and will post planning details on www.ShePlans.com as soon as I get back to updating the site. (Yes - I actually have four blogs to keep up with and, yes - I am crazy!) Anyway... take a look if you are interested. I will be happy to share details if you would like to organize this type of event at your church. It was a great evening, a great outreach event, and lots of fun!

OK - back to the Widow of Zarephath. Today on our Living with Purpose: A Radical Revolution site, a 15-year-old wrote a devotion referencing the Widow of Zarephath. It's an awesome devotion and I encourage you to visit the blog and read it. This 15-year-old has a lot to teach us old folk!

A few years ago God used the story of the Widow of Zarephath (1 Kings 17) to teach me a valuable lesson. Ron and I did not have life insurance so I have struggled financially. I didn't have anything left after paying bills and buying groceries and other necessities so it was very difficult for me to tithe or give to others. I gave my time by volunteering at church and at the soup kitchen but I never really gave much else. God continued to tug at my heart to give to others, but I was too afraid. After a few years of living in fear, I came across the story of the Widow of Zarephath during my quiet time. I was convicted in a major way.

The next time God tugged at my heart to give to someone - I was obedient. Someone at church was having to decide if she should pay her past-due power bill so that her power would not be shut off or buy groceries for herself and her daughters. I secretely purchased a couple of bags of groceries and put them in the pastor's office with the woman's name on it. I didn't have enough money to pay all of my bills but I wasn't about to say no to God again. I stepped out in faith and total trust. And, God provided for ALL of my needs.

There was such complete and total freedom in this new way of thinking... God's way! DUH!

As Ashley pointed out in her devotion today, we need to give God our first everything. In addition to struggling with financial giving, I struggled with giving God my time FIRST. It isn't easy taking care of a home and a child while working full time. I felt the need to get everything done and then give God what was left of my time... if there was any time left to give. The moment I started giving God more of me in every way, God provided for me in every way. When I begin my day at His feet, my day has order. It is easier for me to set priorities and get done what needs to get done and just not worry about the rest.

I still struggle financially and I certainly don't write any large checks to charity. However, Nick and I can eat ramen noodles for a week so that someone else doesn't go hungry or have their power turned off. The blessings far outweigh the small sacrifice. Besides... Nick really likes ramen noodles!

Sweet Blessings,
LeAnn

Scents and Sensibility

A photograph or a song can bring back so many memories but, for me, the strongest memories seem to be attached to my sense of smell. Memories of my maternal grandmother come flooding back any time I get a whiff of Shalimar perfume or Clorets gum. She always wore Shalimar and she always had Clorets in her purse. She never took that little box out without offering the square gum to everyone else. I get that warm fuzzy feeling whenever I smell either fragrance but, the combination of the two will bring back the most wonderful memories. I recall her laugh, her tone of voice, and how special she made each of her grandchildren feel when it was our turn to spend the weekend with her.

It might not make sense that wonderful memories are attached to the familiar fragrances that surrounded my NaNa, but painful memories are attached to the fragrances that surrounded my husband. Both are no longer with me. But... things don't always make sense.

A few years after Ron died, I went to visit my in-laws who live on the island where Ron and I lived. As we drove from the airport to the ferry dock, I was absolutly fine as we passed the restaurants that Ron and I enjoyed and the building where we worked together and where we met. But the moment we got close enough to the ferry to smell the salt water and the fish, I fell into the pit! It was as if the familiar smells overwhelmed me and pulled me down.

Even now, eleven years later, certain scents will send me spinning. I have a very hard time going into a hospital or being around anyone who is in their final weeks of their earthly life. I know it is aweful to think about or to mention but... death has a smell. The memory of it lingers and haunts me. It instantly brings back Ron's final weeks and the look of cancer - the look I have tried so hard to forget.

While I dread the memories that are attached to the smells of Ron's final weeks, in some ways they have been a blessing. They bring me back to that place of overwhelming grief and sadness that invaded my heart during the first weeks and months after Ron died. I don't exactly welcome these feelings but God always uses our pain for good if we allow Him to.

Over the past few months I have received numerous emails and prayer requests from others who have recently lost someone very close to them. Because I can so easily recall the smell and bring on the memories, I am able to truly understand their pain and it better equips me to comfort them and pray for them. Does this make me sad? Absolutely. But it also helps me when I am able to comfort someone else. God is not wasting my pain and this actually brings me comfort. It gives my pain a purpose and that encourages me.

Do certain smells bring back memories for you? Good ones or bad ones... I would love to hear from you.

Sweet Blessings,
LeAnn

Love Language

God truly knows my love language... not that I'm surprised.

I have a lot going on these days. You can say that my plate is overflowing. Every now and then, when I get overwhelmed, I can start to feel sorry for myself. I miss having someone to share the load. Sometimes I just plain feel lonely and miss Ron. This can be brought on by the oddest things and most of the time there is no rhyme or reason for it. It just is. Suddenly, without warning, I'm back in that pit.

This week I found myself overwhelmed, not sleeping well, and falling into the pit of loneliness. I'm not sure what started this spiral downward but it doesn't really matter.

During my quiet time with God one morning several months ago, God seemed to be saying to me, "Jesus was lonely, too." I had never really thought about that before but now it seemed to make perfect sense.

Jesus spent so much of His time on earth pouring himself into the lives of others. Something about this clicked in my brain... and in my heart. Instead of turning my feelings of despair inward and falling into a pit, I could pour myself into the lives of others. (Hmmmm... a lesson from the Bible - go figure!) It's amazing how quickly I feel better about myself and my situation when I'm helping someone else. I almost forget what my problem was in the first place because my focus is redirected.

God knows that this is what gets me out of my pit so for the past 24 hours He has nudged me to do specific things for specific people. Isn't it awesome the way He orchestrates stuff like this?! Nothing is trivial to Him if it matters to us. A handful of people in my life (and a couple of strangers) needed to hear from Him. I needed to be used by Him. He put it all together and I get the tremendous blessing of being used by God to bless others. In the process, I'm the one who feels blessed. Doesn't it just blow your mind the way God loves us exactly the way we need to be loved?

God knows my love language! He let me see and feel His presence in tangible ways over the last 24 hours. He whispered in my ear to pick up a little something for a couple of friends and to bring lunch to a handful of people at church today. Nothing extraordinary... except His hand in it all.

Instead of crying tears of loneliness today - I cried tears of gratitude for a Heavenly Father who loves me so much that He reached out to me in my love language. I'm a lucky gal! I'm the daughter of the King of Kings. I'm a Princess and everyone knows that princesses are special!

I still feel overwhelmed and my plate is still overflowing but... I'm definitely not in the pit!

Sweet Blessings,
Princess LeAnn

A Celebration of Life

Today I cry tears of sadness and tears of joy. My sweet friend, Anne, went to live with Jesus. I cry tears of sadness because I won't see her radiant smile and twinkling eyes... at least for a while. And I cry tears of sadness for her family and friends who have to go through the days, months and years ahead without her beside them. But I also cry tears of joy as I know exactly where she is and that she couldn't be happier.

Anne "is" one of the most amazing women I have ever known. No matter what her circumstances, she remained a true reflection of Christ. Through her cancer treatment successes and failures, she praised God. Anne never wasted a moment and her life is truly a testimony. Even in death, she is making a difference. I can only imagine how much the Kingdom has grown because of how she lived her life on earth.

Anne's husband, Carl, wrote this late last night and I wanted to share it with you. What a beautiful reflection of a life well lived:

Anne chose joy! 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18, "Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances." She is now pain free and in the loving hands of her Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. 2 Timothy 4:6-8, "For I am already being poured out like a drink offering, and the time has come for my departure. I have fought the good fight; I have finished the race; I have kept the faith. Now these is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day- and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for him appearing."

John 11:35 "Jesus wept." If God can cry then so can we. I do not know how long David, Patricia, and I will grieve, but I am sure it will be a long time. I remember that when Anne and I first met, she drove a Saab with a license plate that read "SOBSTRY". Anne always loved sentimental movies. She lived one at the end of her earthly life. Anne is our love story. Sometimes the deepest love is the most painful. The foot of her bed was surrounded by flowers that were brought by her family.

We will always have Anne in our hearts and in our minds until we are reunited. But even in these difficult times, we must always remember that Anne is not "was", but "is". As John 11:25 teaches, "I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; and whoever lives and believes in me will never die. So you believe this?" Anne and I hope that you -- our family and friends -- will embrace the words of John 11:25, and that they may provide you with peace and comfort as they do us.

My sweet friends, please keep Anne's family in your prayers. And, as a tribute to Anne, please share Jesus with someone today.

Blessings,
LeAnn

YIPES - I've been "tagged"

Oh my! I just noticed that Luanne at www.lpgodspots.blogspot.com "tagged" me. I had no idea what that meant so I had to check it out. I guess I'm old 'cause I thought getting "tagged" was what happened when you were the slow runner! I hope I'm doing this right...

The Rules:

1. Link to the person who tagged you (check)
2. Post the rules on your blog (check - you're looking at them)
3. Write 6 random things about yourself (see below)
4. Tag 6 people at the end of your post and link to them (see below)
5. Let each person know they have been tagged and leave a comment on their blog (more work)
6. Let the tagger know when your entry is up (oh... I'll definitely let her know!)

OK - Here are the six random things about me (rule number 3):


1. I am so very grateful for Jesus! I cannot imagine a life without Him and it makes me very sad for all the people in the world who do not have Him in their lives. What is the point of a life without Him? How could you live without hope?

2. This is sad... I'm only on number 2 and I'm having trouble thinking of something to say. Ummmm... let's see... Oh, I know... I don't have any wisdom teeth. (I guess that explains a lot, doesn't it?)

3. I love "kid" movies like "Matilda," "The Secret Garden," "Nancy Drew," and "Willy Wonka." I could watch this kind of movie all day... and I have. I love a good rainy day movie marathon! (Especially with a mug of International Coffee's Chocolate Orange flavored drink.)

4. My 14-year-old son, Nick, passed me in height about three years ago! He loves getting the measuring tape out and checking our heights. Mine doesn't change but he says old people shrink so he's waiting. I'm 5'1 1/2" (at this height - you mention the half). Nick thinks its very funny to walk behind me in the grocery store and ask if I need help reaching something on the middle shelf!

5. When I was a kid, I wanted to be an archaeologist, a veterinarian, or a nun when I grew up. Then I discovered that archaeologists spend all their time digging in the hot desert; veterinarians did more than just pet the puppies and kitties (there are needles involved), and nuns don't have children. I quickly ruled out all three occupations. I'm still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. (I may re-visit the nun thing after Nick grows up and leaves me!)

6. My favorite thing to do is to host small dinner parties. I'm not comfortable in large groups of people but I love having small, intimate groups of close friends come over so I can spoil them. I love to cook fancy meals with all the extra fluff and decorations. I like to wait on them. Honestly, I would feed them if they let me! (No lie - I honestly peeled grapes for my husband.) I have always loved taking care of people (especially cooking for them) and making them feel special. Sadly, Nick would be happy with frozen pizza every night. He is not too interested in any of my culinary experiments so I have to invite guinea pigs over every now and then! You should have seen the look on his face when I made duck! Priceless!

Whoooo Hooooo! I did it. I came up with six random things about myself. Now let's see if I can come up with six friends to tag!

The first four on my list, I'm listing simply because they are among the kindest, most encouraging women I "know." Their sites are amazing. What they share is amazing. Each has such a heart for Jesus and it shines through in everything they do. I think you will enjoy getting to know them too!

1. Amylbrooke.blogspot.com (God's Work in Progress)

2. DianeApplewhite.blogspot.com (Stand Still, let God Move You)

3. Joyinthetruth.blogspot.com (Sharon Sloan)

4. Diggingforpearls.blogspot.com (She recently posted the A-Z list of things about herself so having to come up with only six should be easy for her!)

These next two are widows like me. I think Kitty and I have similar hearts when it comes to this thing called "widowhood." The word "widow" just doesn't express what is truly in our hearts. We have joy in Jesus and that makes such a difference. It is this joy, and our children, that makes life worth living. Our husbands didn't leave us. They aren't lost. We know exactly where they are and, while we are sad not to have them in our lives at this time, we know that we will see them again.

Southeastcountrywife just touches my heart. Her husband died such a short time ago. Her blog entries journal her wedding, honeymoon, and her husband's death. It is a startling reminder that we should never waste a single moment. She is going through a lot of issues related to his death right now so please keep my new friend in your prayers.

5. kittyhinkle.blogspot.com

6. southeastcountrywife.blogspot.com


OK - job complete. I just have to go and let these ladies know that they have been tagged! Thanks, Luanne for forcing me to think this late on a Friday afternoon!

Mother Son Bonding?

As a single parent I struggle with spending enough "quality time" with my son. I work full time; I have a home to take care of; I volunteer in my community; I'm involved in my church; I attempt to be a girlfriend and actually socialize with other women every now and then; and, of course, there's laundry, dishes, cleaning, grocery shopping, errands, doctor and dentist appointments, and all of Nick's activities. I end each day absolutely exhausted and wondering what I actually accomplished that day.

Do you feel me? Does this sound like your life? Seriously... there are days when I look at my son and wonder, "who is that young man on my sofa and how long has he been sitting there?!"

Before I had a child I worked on a cross-stitch piece to hang on my wall. (It was the last piece I ever worked on and I never completed it.) It was the saying,

Cleaning and dusting can wait 'till tomorrow
for children grow up, we've learned to our sorrow.

So quiet down cobwebs - dust go to sleep
I'm rocking my baby, and babies don't keep.

It was a nice thought. Then reality kicked in... along with dirty diapers, late-night feedings, and LOTS of laundry! I suppose I could have sat in the squalor and rocked my baby and somehow learned to live with the smell but that just didn't make sense. Somehow I found a way to balance quality time with my sweet baby with the daily responsibilities of running a household and being a wife. I loved my husband and my child and I wanted to spend time with them. But, laundry doesn't do itself. I had to juggle my time and learn to prioritize. Like most women - I had to do it all! (Isn't that what it says under "woman" in the dictionary?)

Ron died 11 years ago so, for 11 years, I have not had a husband to help me raise my child or to help with any household chores. Some days are harder than others. Of course I would prefer to spend all of my time with Nick but the reality is that the bills need to be paid and the house will start to smell if the dishes pile up in the sink! (I know this from experience!)

Last weekend my "to-do" list was WAAAAY longer than time would make possible to complete. "Mommy guilt" kicked in right away as I realized that the only communication with my son would occur when he called out that it was feeding time! I do NOT want to be a parent who misses the important things. I do NOT want to be a parent whose child doesn't remember any "fun" times with mom. I do NOT want to be a parent who wakes up one day to realize that my son has graduated from college and I have no idea who his friends are, what he thinks about, and what matters to him. So... what do I do? How can I spend quality time with Nick and still get at least most of the things on my "to-do" list completed?

First of all, Nick is 14 now and there are basic household chores that are his responsibility. He takes out the garbage, sorts his dirty clothes, vacuums, etc. I'm talking about the extra stuff that comes up like cleaning out the closets and putting together furniture before company shows up, which is what happened last weekend. I found an answer to my dilemma through laughter. What I thought would end up being the lost weekend, turned into one of the best mother-son bonding weekends ever!

I included Nick in the planning, cleaning out the closets, and putting the furniture together (we can only afford furniture that comes in a box). Instead of looking at each item on my list as a "task," I looked at each one as an opportunity. I found ways to make jokes about the stuff we pulled out of the closets, and the silly differences in men and women as we put the furniture together. There was his way (the manly, man way) and my way (the follow directions girly way). We switched roles more than once (his idea) and laughed our way through every "task" on the list. We laughed so hard that tears were running down our faces. We had SO MUCH FUN that it didn't seem like work at all. And... best of all... I didn't miss another weekend with my kid because I was taking care of the chores. I didn't put the chores before Nick. I just found a creative way to get it all done. Uh huh... I am woman- hear me roar!

Being a parent is probably the hardest job in the world. So much of it is a guessing game and I know I make lots of mistakes. My priority is that Nick feels loved and that he never feels like he comes in second to my responsibilities, even though these things are necessary parts of life. I want him to look back at his childhood and remember the silly stuff as well as the significant stuff. I don't want him to look back and remember that his mom was always too busy to spend time with him.

I would LOVE, LOVE, LOVE to hear from you if you have ideas for spending quality time with your kids while still getting everything done. I know how hard it is to try to accomplish everything without your life-mate. It's rough! We need all the help we can get so maybe we can help each other!

Blessings!
LeAnn

Busy Life

Hi Friends,

I'm sorry that I haven't posted anything new on A Widow's Might in the last few weeks. Along with many of you, we are in the middle of the crazy summer (no school) schedule. I've been working on some home repairs and now my mom is visiting so Nick and I are hanging out with her. I have written a couple of new posts on my personal blog, In the Shadow of His Wings" so, if you really want to see what's going through my little mind these days, I invite you to visit.

I'll talk with you soon!

Blessings,
LeAnn

More Letting Go

I just wrote about my thoughts on holding onto "stuff" on my personal blog, In the Shadow of His Wings but I feel like my mind is still as cluttered as my attic so this post is kind of a continuation. Besides, with three blogs to keep track of... I'm thinking that starting a post on one blog and continuing on another is a good idea - at least every now and then (smile)! So... here are more of my thoughts about letting go of "stuff."

Letting Go... Part 2

OK - I'll just come right out and say it... Ron was a pack rat! He came upon it naturally as his father is a pack rat (sorry, Dad) and his grandfather was a pack rat. Now, they are not nearly as bad as the families I have seen on Clean House but, they do tend to hold onto things... just in case they might need them one day.

Ron's grandfather died not long after Ron and I were married. We hit the road and drove across the state to the town where his grandfather had lived for many years. At first glance the house didn't seem to be the home of a pack rat. Ron's grandmother was in the kitchen baking pies. Everyone loved her pies and, since all of the family was arriving for the funeral, she was baking as fast as her fingers could peel apples. This was a sweet, old home, filled with the fragrance of cinnamon! But... everything was not as "Leave it to Beaver" as it appeared on the surface.

With several members of the family in town for the funeral, it was decided that we should take advantage of the extra hands and get some things taken care of around the house for Gramma. A few of us were assigned to the clean out the basement. The basement was his grandfather's domain. It was scary! We found about a gazillion empty baby food jars and margarine containers. We found stacks of old furniture that was piled from floor to ceiling which, over the years, had become critter condominiums. We found old canned foods that looked like those jars on the shelves in biology class. We found so much scrap wood that I'm pretty sure was enough to build a small house. We even found a dead cat! There is no telling how long it was in there because it was hard to see with all the clutter. Grandpa just didn't get rid of anything!

Over the next few days I listed to stories about Grandpa's "collections" and how he was brought up poor so he held onto things - just in case he might need them one day. The stories were told with love, the way only families can. This was the first time I had met several members of this wonderful family that I had just married into. Over the years I would discover that Grandpa's children and grandchildren shared his tendency to keep everything, including my new husband.

Ron held onto everything and I don't like clutter. We moved a few times during our marriage and I remember having to move several boxes of his from house to house. These boxes were never unpacked. They were just stored. I asked Ron why he kept them if he never opened them and he just said that it was stuff that he might need one day. I, on the other hand, used each move as an excuse to get rid of more stuff. Moving was a great opportunity to clean out all the closets and drawers! Ron just liked to pick up the drawers and carry the entire mess to the new house.

Not long after Ron died I decided to go through those boxes that were stacked in the garage - the boxes that had been moved from house to house but never unpacked. Each time I opened a box I started to laugh. One was filled with old notes from school that went back to the THIRD GRADE! One had boy scout stuff. One had old techy stuff that was obsolete. (Knowing him as I did, I'm sure he thought he might use the parts one day.) One was actually filled with dirty ROCKS! I think the only thing I ended up keeping were Ron's old Hot Wheel tracks and cars. I thought Nick might want to have them one day as they didn't make the old orange tracks anymore. He might like to have a collectible from his dad's childhood to one day pass to his own children.

In addition to Ron's boxes, I also got rid of many things that were "ours." Friends did not think this was a good idea and tried to talk me out of it. But, what looked like a perfectly good bowl to them was, to me, a bowl that I hand-fed my husband out of when he was too weak to hold a spoon. What looked like a great couch, was a piece of furniture that Ron laid on for weeks before we realized that we needed to bring in a hospital bed.

There are things that we hold onto because they hold wonderful memories. But, there are also things that we hold onto simply because they belonged to someone we loved and it seems wrong somehow to get rid of them. It was very easy for me to get rid of items that held memories of Ron during the last few months of his life. These aren't memories that I necessarily want to hold onto. I want to remember him the way he was before the cancer moved in. But, watching Clean House is making me think about this in a new way as well. Perhaps some of the things I have been holding onto are things that I have kept only because I would feel guilty parting with them. I don't know if the actual item really holds a great memory or if I'm just afraid to let one more piece of Ron go. If there are no more signs of him or anything that belonged to him in my home, does that make Ron any more gone?

I have so many wonderful photos and wonderful memories of Ron and the life we shared together. I don't think any of the "stuff" that belonged to him, or to us, makes those memories more real. I treasure the memories and they will be with me forever. A day doesn't go by that I don't think of Ron or mention something about him in a conversation. But, I want to rethink whether or not I want to treasure "stuff." This weekend I am going to take a good hard look at every item that I have held onto simply because it belonged to Ron, and I am going to pray about whether the item truly holds some significance to me or to Nick or whether the item and Ron's memory would be better served by passing the item along to someone who could truly use it. I don't expect this to be an easy task, but I do expect it to be a positive one. I'll let you know how I did!

Don't Waste a Moment

A friend of mine just asked how Ron died so I figured many of you may also be wondering. Ron died of non-Hodgkin's lymphoma.

Ron was very healthy! He rarely took a drink. He never smoked. He ate right (most of the time). He exercised regularly. In fact, he was a member of the Mountaineers, a mountain climbing group in the Seattle, Washington area. Because he climbed mountains and slept in caves that he carved in the ice on the side of a mountain, we dismissed some of his symptoms thinking they were a result of no sleep and harsh conditions. He had been complaining of night sweats, itchy skin, and a racing heart. We thought the itchy skin might be an allergy so I kept changing laundry detergents. Then he lost his voice. After a week went by and his voice didn't improve, he went to see a doctor. Initial X-Rays showed a growth on his thymus gland. A biopsy confirmed cancer.

The next step was the staging process where they look at your entire body to see if and where cancer might be. The doctor did not order a bone scan, which I later learned should have been standard procedure, so they did not find the cancer that was in his hip. Ron was treated with six rounds of chemotherapy followed by radiation for the tumor on the thymus gland. The tumor responded so well that after two rounds of chemo, it was almost completely gone and we celebrated a miracle. It was during the radiation treatments that he started to experience the pain in his hip. Evidently the chemotherapy was keeping the cancer in his hip from growing but it wasn't killing it.

After a few failed biopsies and a second opinion, we learned that the cancer had been in his hip from the beginning and that, if the doctor had been aware of this, Ron's treatment would have been very different. By the time it was discovered, the cancer had started to spread. It was in several of his organs and he was no longer a candidate for the treatment that could have saved him.

We rode the up and down emotional roller coaster for a year and a half before Ron took his last breath. I don't know what would have happened if the doctor had ordered a bone scan in the very beginning and I don't want to look back and say "what if." I had doctors telling me that I had an open and shut case against the doctor who made this error. I even began ordering copies of all of Ron's medical records so that I could sue. But, somewhere inside of me, I felt that I would be getting paid for his death and this didn't seem right. Now... maybe I should have. This would have paid for Nick's college. But, at the time, I just didn't feel like I could do it. I was told that I would have to relive everything and I didn't think I could go through it again.

Instead of suing, I went to the doctor's office and asked to speak with him. He came out of his office and, in front of his nurse, the office staff, and the people in his waiting room, I balled my eyes out. I told him that I would not sue him but that I wanted him to remember Ron every time a new patient came in. He listened to every word as I poured my heart out. I gave him a picture of Ron with our sweet three-year-old son on his lap so he could see exactly what was taken away. With tears in his eyes, he gave me his word that he would never forget. I don't believe that he could. He knew that he had made a mistake. I tried very hard to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes. None of us are perfect. His mistake may very well have cost a life. But, this man will remember Ron every time a new patient comes to him for staging. He will never make this mistake again.

OK - why did I take the time to share such a clinical (and painful) chapter of my life as a result of one simple question? Well, for a couple of reasons. First, I was surprised when we found out that itchy skin, night sweats, and a racing heartbeat were very typical of lymphoma. Had we known, we would have been on the doctor's doorstep on day one! So, consider part of this post a quick medical lesson. If you know or hear about anyone with one or more of these symptoms... make sure they see a doctor immediately. Early detection... etc.

But, most importantly... I learned first hand that life is precious. Only God knows when you will take your last breath. Because Ron's death wasn't sudden, I was able to tell him everything that I wanted to say. He knew how much he was loved and this comforts me. I don't have regrets. His family was able to say goodbye. Not everyone has the opportunity. A sudden tragic accident can change your life forever. I know it sounds corny and I'm sorry if I sound like a Hallmark card but... tell the people you love how much they mean to you. Don't waste a single moment.

Happy Birthday!

Today would have been Ron's 46th birthday. It's a bittersweet day for me. While I am sad that we won't be celebrating in the traditional way, I am filled with joy over the celebrations we will share together one day!

Today, Nick and I will be celebrating his dad's life by going to a ridiculously silly movie that his dad would have loved. Then we will go out to dinner and share birthday cake. We celebrate Ron's life. We celebrate that he remains a part of our lives. And we celebrate the hope we have in Jesus and in what's to come. What a party that will be!!!

People consistently ask me how I get through the rough days. (Every day doesn't include a silly movie and birthday cake. Some days are filled with tears.) Women ask for my advice on dealing with grief. My answer always includes finding a positive way to channel my emotions. I have found that reaching out and helping someone else actually comforts me. It's not as easy to have a pity-party when you see that someone else is struggling.

Well, God knew that today would be a little more difficult than other days so He has kept me busy! All day I have been answering questions from women who have emailed me looking for comfort. They don't know that today would have been Ron's birthday. But God knows. Through comforting them, God has comforted me. I am very grateful.

The next time you are facing a difficult day, find someone that needs you. Is someone struggling with their kids, their husband, their job? Is there a shelter that needs someone to fix a hot meal? Do you have a neighbor with a broken arm who could use some help with grocery shopping? Is your church looking for volunteers to help with VBS? Do you know someone else who is grieving?

Let God use you to fill a gap in someone else's life. Trust me... it will fill the gap in yours!

How to Help Someone Who is Grieving

Welcome to everyone popping over from Lysa’s blog! I’m glad you’re here! If you have suffered the loss of someone you love, I pray that this site will be a blessing to you and that you visit often.

Most of us know at least one person who has experienced the death of someone they cared deeply about. A husband, a wife, a child, a parent, a sister, a best friend… Should you comfort them? Should you give them space to grieve in peace? Should you try to take care of them? Should you share advice? Well, yes and no to all of these questions.

Everyone processes grief in different ways and for different lengths of time. It is difficult to know what to say, when to offer help and when to pull back and give them space. I know many people who simply avoid being around someone who is grieving because they are uncomfortable being around them or because they don’t know what to say. Hopefully, sharing my experiences from being on the receiving end of words intended to comfort will help you be a help and a comfort to others. Please keep in mind that these are my thoughts and reactions and that everyone is different.

Comments That Did Not Make Me Feel Better:

“At least you had him for as long as you did.”

“Time heals. It will get better.”

“At least he had a good life.”

“I know how you feel.” (Even if you have been through the exact situation, no one feels the same way and no one can know what is going on inside of another person. You may intend for the statement to show empathy, but it can come across as if you are minimizing the depth of the loss.)

“It was God’s will.” Or, “God needed another angel.”

“He is better off now.”

“At least you’re young. You can remarry and have more children.” (More people than I can count said this to me thinking that they were making me hopeful about a future. All it did was make me want to slap them.)

“At least you had a child before he died.”

Here’s my personal favorite… (Yes, someone actually said this to me.) “I’m so sorry. My dog died a couple of weeks ago and I don’t think I will ever get over it. Maybe we can help each other through this.”

Comments That I Found Comforting:

“I’m so sorry. I don’t know what to say. Just know that I’m here and that I love you.”

“I can’t imagine what you are going through but I will be praying for you.”

“Do you want to talk about it or do you just want me to sit with you? We don’t have to say anything. I’ll just be here if you need me.”

What meant more to me than anything else was having people share a story about how my husband’s life had made a difference in their life. Or, sharing a funny story about something he did. This made me smile for a moment.

What You Can Do:

Just be there. Be available. Be accessible. I didn’t want people to try to distract me. Non-stop talking does not make me forget. I didn’t need to be entertained. It’s ok to be with me and just be with me.

Sometimes I just wanted to be left alone. I don't like crying in front of people so I wanted to be allowed to cry privately. Sometimes I wanted company but many times I honestly just wanted to be left alone. This is OK. Don't be offended if the person wants to be left alone. Not honoring my feelings made me feel like a child.

Understand that someone who has just experienced this type of a loss is probably not functioning with any level of normalcy. Asking them to call you if they need anything is more than likely falling on deaf ears. Unless you are very close to the person, he/she will not even remember whom it was that offered help. And, even if they did remember, they don’t want to be a burden and they don’t like feeling like they need help. It is very unlikely that they will ever call you for anything. Instead of offering help – just do it.

Here are some ways that you can answer a practical, immediate, and tangible need:

Does the lawn need mowing? Do they have a dog that needs to be walked? Are there children that need to be driven somewhere? Is the laundry piling up? What about the bills? Does the phone bill need to be paid?

Pick up some basic groceries. Don’t wait for them to call and ask, because they probably won’t. Along with bread and milk, bring grapes, nuts, yogurt, raisins, etc… items that are easy and nutritious. Bringing casseroles is great. But facing a heavy meal is daunting when you can’t even think about eating. Small, healthy snacks are easier to handle.

If large meals are needed for a family or guests, use disposable containers unless you will be there to clean the dishes and take them with you.

Do they have toilet paper, tissues, napkins, paper towels, etc.? If a lot of people are dropping by, they will go through these items quickly. Everyone tends to think of food but paper products are desperately needed.

If family and friends are dropping by, you may also want to bring paper plates, plastic cups and utensils, etc. so that there are no dirty dishes for them to worry about.

After my husband died, I couldn’t take the sight of his toothbrush or his razor. The last thing I wanted was to get up in the morning and see his toothbrush beside mine. Ask the person if they would like you to remove these types of personal items. They may even ask you to get rid of everything. (Please keep in mind that, except for personal items like toothbrush, shampoo, etc., in the months to come they may regret asking you to get rid of everything. Honor their initial wish to remove the items from the home. But don’t give away clothing, photographs, a favorite jacket or watch, etc. Find a place to store them until several months have passed, giving them time to think more clearly.)

While it’s very thoughtful to bring flowers, remember that they die and the person will sit there and watch them die. If you bring flowers, remember to remove them before the petals start to fall off. I can’t tell you how depressing it was for me to watch any kind of death at that point. It’s not much better to bring a plant unless you are going to be around to take care of it. If it dies, not only will they have to watch it happen, but they will feel useless because they couldn’t even remember to water a plant.

If you want to come “bearing gifts,” think of something that would have meaning to the person who has died. Something that will last and keeps his memory alive for others. Perhaps a park bench in his favorite park. A donation in his memory to a charity that mattered to him. A statue or bird bath in the church garden. Etc.

What About the Years that Follow? How Do I Feel Now?:

Don’t be afraid to mention my husband. Tiptoeing around his name is like you’re pretending that he didn’t exist. I like it when people tell funny or wonderful stories about him. And, it really is ok of I shed a tear as a result. Many times the tears are happy ones.

Understand that years after the loss, some little thing may trigger an emotional response. A song. A scent. An odd expression on someone else’s face. It could be anything. Don’t worry about me or fear for my mental stability. These little “meltdowns” are normal. It’s just a natural reaction to a sweet memory.

I hope you have found some of this information helpful. Please remember that this is only the way I felt and what worked with me. If you are close to the person who is grieving, you probably know enough about them to help in a way that will be comforting to them. If you do not know the person very well, please talk to someone who is close to them and ask if there is anything that you can do. A close friend or family member is more likely to accept your offer to help than the person who is grieving.

My Friend Robin!

From the moment God nudged me to launch this site, I saw it as a team effort. We all process grief differently and there is no right way or wrong way to grieve. There is no absolute time-frame. No one can tell you when to stop crying yourself to sleep. Things that I might find upsetting may not upset you at all. Because we are all different, I have invited several of my friends to contribute to this blog. I will be introducing them to you over the next several weeks. I pray that you will recognize yourself in some of our situations and realize that you are not alone.

Because I can't tell their stories better than they can, I have asked each of my friends to introduce themselves to you in their own words. Today, I want you to meet my friend Robin...

Hello precious Ladies, my name is Robin. LeAnn wanted me to tell you a little about myself in preparation for sharing on A Widow's Might. I am a homeschool mother of 4 young men, ages 20, 16, 13, and 12. I have been widowed twice; first my husband Peter died in a taxi robbery, and then my second husband Earl died during a boating trip. One of my favorite hymns is by William Cowper "God moves in a mysterious way, His wonders to perform, He plants His footsteps in the sea and rides upon the storm." Since most of my sharing with women for the past ten years has been sitting at a kitchen table with a cup of coffee or in a small group setting, I prefer to think of my blog entries as an extension of that. It is my hope that as you read my blog posts, you would think of me sitting across the kitchen table from you, sharing how I have walked with God through a few storms and found Him faithful. I pray He will encourage you through my story. I am looking forward to our times together, sharing how The Lord has been an intimate, loving and all wise comforter as I choose to trust Him.

With Hope

Hope is one of my favorite words. It is the hope I have in Jesus that gets me through the most difficult of times. I feel such sadness for people who suffer tragedies without Jesus in their life. How do they get through the death of a loved one?

After my husband died, people around me were surprised that I seemed to be coping so well. They didn't seem to understand how I could have anything to smile about. Well, I was sad. I was sad all the time. I cried myself to sleep every night for six months. But, I still had hope. I knew exactly where my husband was and I knew that this wasn't the end. I will see him again!

This week we were all saddened to hear of the sudden and tragic death of five-year-old Maria Chapman. Shortly after hearing the announcement on our local Christian radio station, they played a beautiful song that was written by Steven Curtis Chapman several years ago. The song is called, "With Hope." If you are experiencing grief or loss, I pray that these words will bring you HOPE.

This is not at all how
We thought it was supposed to be
We had so many plans for you
We had so many dreams
And now you've gone away
And left us with the memories of your smile
And nothing we can say
And nothing we can do
Can take away the pain
The pain of losing you, but ...

We can cry with hope
We can say goodbye with hope
'Cause we know our goodbye is not the end, oh no
And we can grieve with hope
'Cause we believe with hope
(There's a place by God's grace)
There's a place where we'll see your face again
We'll see your face again

And never have I known
Anything so hard to understand
And never have I questioned more
The wisdom of God's plan
But through the cloud of tears
I see the Father's smile and say well done
And I imagine you
Where you wanted most to be
Seeing all your dreams come true
'Cause now you're home
And now you're free, and ...

We have this hope as an anchor
'Cause we believe that everything
God promised us is true, so ...

So we can cry with hope
And say goodbye with hope

We wait with hope
And we ache with hope
We hold on with hope
We let go with hope

Welcome!

Dear Friends,

This new site was a long time coming...

My husband died eleven years ago. At the time, several friends suggested that I join a support group for other young widows. Well, I had a little boy to raise. Sitting in a room filled with other women who where as depressed as I was, was the absolute last place I wanted to be. What a downer! I was depressed enough! So, I never joined a support group. I never sought any counseling (although it might have been a good idea). I never talked to anyone about my feelings. I just went on with life. I didn't think I had a choice. Nick was three-and-a-half at the time and he needed his mom to be the same mom she had always been. He needed consistency. So I grieved alone and in silence.

Several years have passed and now I find myself working at an amazing women’s ministry. God brought me to Proverbs 31 Ministries and it has been one of the greatest blessings of my life. Not only do I work in an atmosphere of grace, but I get the love, support, and friendship of an amazing group of Godly women on a daily basis. I am in the safest, most encouraging environment I could ever ask for and I am thriving as a result. Each day I see God's hand at work in my life and in the lives of others. It is just too wonderful to keep it to myself! This ministry provides me with an opportunity to share these wonders.

Proverbs 31 Ministries seeks to provide God’s peace, perspective and purpose to today’s busy woman… no matter where she is in life or on her walk with Jesus. We hear from stay-at-home moms, working women, married women, divorced women, single women, and we hear from women just like me. They want to know that they are not alone. So, with much encouragement over the past few years from my friend Lysa, who said, "God doesn't comfort us to make us comfortable. He comforts us to make us comfort-able," I have launched A Widow’s Might.

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

Friends, I pray that A Widow’s Might becomes a place where you feel encouraged and refreshed and comforted. A place where you will meet friends – fellow travelers – as we walk this road together. We will share laughs, tears, challenges, and victories. You will hear from women who share a common bond, each one with a different perspective and a different method for handling this thing called life.

I invite you to join us. This is a sisterhood! Write to me at LeAnn@Proverbs31.org, or post a comment. Share your thoughts. Ask questions. I would love to hear from you. We are all in this together.

Sweet Blessings,
LeAnn