Thursday, June 5, 2008

How to Help Someone Who is Grieving

Welcome to everyone popping over from Lysa’s blog! I’m glad you’re here! If you have suffered the loss of someone you love, I pray that this site will be a blessing to you and that you visit often.


Most of us know at least one person who has experienced the death of someone they cared deeply about. A husband, a wife, a child, a parent, a sister, a best friend… Should you comfort them? Should you give them space to grieve in peace? Should you try to take care of them? Should you share advice? Well, yes and no to all of these questions.

Everyone processes grief in different ways and for different lengths of time. It is difficult to know what to say, when to offer help and when to pull back and give them space. I know many people who simply avoid being around someone who is grieving because they are uncomfortable being around them or because they don’t know what to say. Hopefully, sharing my experiences from being on the receiving end of words intended to comfort will help you be a help and a comfort to others. Please keep in mind that these are my thoughts and reactions and that everyone is different.


Comments That Did Not Make Me Feel Better:

“At least you had him for as long as you did.”

“Time heals. It will get better.”

“At least he had a good life.”

“I know how you feel.” (Even if you have been through the exact situation, no one feels the same way and no one can know what is going on inside of another person. You may intend for the statement to show empathy, but it can come across as if you are minimizing the depth of the loss.)

“It was God’s will.” Or, “God needed another angel.”

“He is better off now.”

“At least you’re young. You can remarry and have more children.” (More people than I can count said this to me thinking that they were making me hopeful about a future. All it did was make me want to slap them.)

“At least you had a child before he died.”

Here’s my personal favorite… (Yes, someone actually said this to me.) “I’m so sorry. My dog died a couple of weeks ago and I don’t think I will ever get over it. Maybe we can help each other through this.”

Comments That I Found Comforting:

“I’m so sorry. I don’t know what to say. Just know that I’m here and that I love you.”

“I can’t imagine what you are going through but I will be praying for you.”

“Do you want to talk about it or do you just want me to sit with you? We don’t have to say anything. I’ll just be here if you need me.”

What meant more to me than anything else was having people share a story about how my husband’s life had made a difference in their life. Or, sharing a funny story about something he did. This made me smile for a moment.

What You Can Do:

Just be there. Be available. Be accessible. I didn’t want people to try to distract me. Non-stop talking does not make me forget. I didn’t need to be entertained. It’s ok to be with me and just be with me.

Sometimes I just wanted to be left alone. I don't like crying in front of people so I wanted to be allowed to cry privately. Sometimes I wanted company but many times I honestly just wanted to be left alone. This is OK. Don't be offended if the person wants to be left alone. Not honoring my feelings made me feel like a child.

Understand that someone who has just experienced this type of a loss is probably not functioning with any level of normalcy. Asking them to call you if they need anything is more than likely falling on deaf ears. Unless you are very close to the person, he/she will not even remember whom it was that offered help. And, even if they did remember, they don’t want to be a burden and they don’t like feeling like they need help. It is very unlikely that they will ever call you for anything. Instead of offering help – just do it.

Here are some ways that you can answer a practical, immediate, and tangible need:

Does the lawn need mowing? Do they have a dog that needs to be walked? Are there children that need to be driven somewhere? Is the laundry piling up? What about the bills? Does the phone bill need to be paid?

Pick up some basic groceries. Don’t wait for them to call and ask, because they probably won’t. Along with bread and milk, bring grapes, nuts, yogurt, raisins, etc… items that are easy and nutritious. Bringing casseroles is great. But facing a heavy meal is daunting when you can’t even think about eating. Small, healthy snacks are easier to handle.

If large meals are needed for a family or guests, use disposable containers unless you will be there to clean the dishes and take them with you.

Do they have toilet paper, tissues, napkins, paper towels, etc.? If a lot of people are dropping by, they will go through these items quickly. Everyone tends to think of food but paper products are desperately needed.

If family and friends are dropping by, you may also want to bring paper plates, plastic cups and utensils, etc. so that there are no dirty dishes for them to worry about.

After my husband died, I couldn’t take the sight of his toothbrush or his razor. The last thing I wanted was to get up in the morning and see his toothbrush beside mine. Ask the person if they would like you to remove these types of personal items. They may even ask you to get rid of everything. (Please keep in mind that, except for personal items like toothbrush, shampoo, etc., in the months to come they may regret asking you to get rid of everything. Honor their initial wish to remove the items from the home. But don’t give away clothing, photographs, a favorite jacket or watch, etc. Find a place to store them until several months have passed, giving them time to think more clearly.)

While it’s very thoughtful to bring flowers, remember that they die and the person will sit there and watch them die. If you bring flowers, remember to remove them before the petals start to fall off. I can’t tell you how depressing it was for me to watch any kind of death at that point. It’s not much better to bring a plant unless you are going to be around to take care of it. If it dies, not only will they have to watch it happen, but they will feel useless because they couldn’t even remember to water a plant.

If you want to come “bearing gifts,” think of something that would have meaning to the person who has died. Something that will last and keeps his memory alive for others. Perhaps a park bench in his favorite park. A donation in his memory to a charity that mattered to him. A statue or bird bath in the church garden. Etc.

What About the Years that Follow? How Do I Feel Now?:

Don’t be afraid to mention my husband. Tiptoeing around his name is like you’re pretending that he didn’t exist. I like it when people tell funny or wonderful stories about him. And, it really is ok of I shed a tear as a result. Many times the tears are happy ones.

Understand that years after the loss, some little thing may trigger an emotional response. A song. A scent. An odd expression on someone else’s face. It could be anything. Don’t worry about me or fear for my mental stability. These little “meltdowns” are normal. It’s just a natural reaction to a sweet memory.


I hope you have found some of this information helpful. Please remember that this is only the way I felt and what worked with me. If you are close to the person who is grieving, you probably know enough about them to help in a way that will be comforting to them. If you do not know the person very well, please talk to someone who is close to them and ask if there is anything that you can do. A close friend or family member is more likely to accept your offer to help than the person who is grieving.

30 comments:

Kelly said...

Just wanted to let you know I visited from Lysa's blog today. This is a really hard subject. Thank you for being willing to share on it. I have a hard time with this, so I know your suggestions will help me.

Anonymous said...

LeAnn; Thanks so much for information that we don't ever think about needing to know. A little less that two months ago my sister-in-law/best friend's husband was murdered. I was over eight hundred miles away. There were two things that happened that made a huge difference in this instance. One, a friend stayed at her house until I got there. She was very good about it because she didn't push herself on my s-i-l or anything she just told her she was going to sit there until I got there. She kept in contact with me and vice-versa and it comforted both my s-i-l and I knowing she wasn't alone. Also, my estranged boyfriend came with me so I wouldn't travel alone and to do some practical "man things" once we got there as there was no man around in her or her husband's family's life. He did simple fix-it things and carried heavy stuff etc. The only thing was he got carried away with the fix-it things and got to the point where it was too much change for her and he had to stop.
The only other thing I can add is that if you are grieving but also the one there to be supportive of a spouse or family of the deceased, make sure you find someone to support you or you won't be much good for the others. I had to go find someone who could hold me and let me cry for a little bit or I would have been too exhausted to be of help to my s-i-l.
This is a great place to learn. Thank you so much for sharing your life lessons with others!!!

Julie said...

I lost my mother to brain cancer a month ago today. It is still very painful and I miss her everyday. It is comforting to know that my "meltdowns" are normal and that right now there is no real normal. I am still hearing the standard lines that bring no comfort but instead frustration. My favorites are "She is not suffering anymore" or "She is in a better place". I know both of those are true but saying that does not ease the pain of not having her here with me. I am glad that I visited Lysa's blog today. As always God has perfect timing.

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for sharing your story. My spiritual mom's husband passed away last October [this was before she became my spiritual mom] and I have been prayerful about how to show support and be there for her without being all those things you mentioned in your post. I praise God for your peace and for the wonderful memories you have of your husband. Love and blessings!

Carol said...

Thank you LeAnn for this informative article. I too had a great loss when my daughter at 33 years old died very suddenly 3+ years ago now of an undetectable heart defect. We were devestated as was her husband and daughter. I have to say that everything you mentioned as helpful is so true. If people just say they are sorry for your loss and will keep us in their prayers, that is the best response. I had people come and say some things that we found hurtful especially if it realated to some loss they had that was of insignifigance to us. Our family and friends were there for us and still are when we have a difficult day. My church community was the best. For a long time someone was at the door at 5pm with a hot meal for us and many sent cards of encouragement and prayers were said for us. I dont' know how people get through a deep grieving without God's grace. Now I return that love whenever I can to others who are going through deep grief. The Lord gave me 2Corinthians 1:2-4 a long time ago when I needed comfort and I had just graduated in nursing. That verse has been so applicable in my life both in nursing and in my personal life. God is so good to me in all things I give thanks. Thank you for the chance to share my story with others.

Jenny said...

Thank you so much for sharing this with us. This is possibly one of the most useful things I have read on the internet. I'm usually the type to avoid someone who is grieving because I never knew what to say and certainly didn't want to say the wrong thing, or something cliche. This was so helpful to me. Blessings to you.

Jodie Wolfe said...

Hi LeAnn,
I heard you had a blog, but wasn't sure how to get to it. So glad that Lysa pointed it out this morning.

I just wanted you to know that I am praying for you and all the other P31 gals as you prepare for She Speaks. I pray that God uses you in a mighty way. I pray too that He speaks to you that weekend as well.

Blessings,
Pearls

Unknown said...

Thank you for sharing this. My best friend lost her mother last January after a vicious fight with cancer. She is the type of person who holds everything in until she can't hold it anymore--then explodes. It was touch and go for a while--she wanted to be left alone a lot, but then after a while she would feel neglected. I would come be with her, but then she wanted to be left alone. And the cycle would continue. I finally figured out that I just needed to call and check in on her, send her cards and emails, etc. on a regular basis. I would also visit with her, but not often. Basically, this worked for the way she was processing her grief...but it was a hard road trying to find the right balance. She needed to know that she was being thought of, but she also needed plenty of alone time.

Thanks again for what you wrote. It really is appreciated!

Prayers and Blessings!
Rebecca

Brenda Parker said...

I visited from Lysa's blog. Your comments were right on target. I have printed out the article to save for future reference. My dad died 5 years ago from a brain tumor. We shared precious times in his last days with friends coming by to bring food and provide support. After he passed away, we received so much support from the community that we truly felt wrapped in the arms of God's love. Knowing how much he meant to those who knew him made dealing with my grief a little easier. He touched so many lives. Actions truly speak louder than words.
Thanks for your article.

Luanne said...

So glad Lysa posted this today. I came here last week after her last mention of your other blog.

So true about the comments. After the pain of my husbands death wore off God helped me to realize as insensitive as they may have been, they were probably hurting too. Helps me to remember that we all need prayers.

I read Robins post and was wondering if she has her own blog?
Keep up the great posts. I so wish I would have had something like this when I was a new widow and wondered how I would ever survive.

Luanne

sumi said...

Thank you so much for sharing, LeAnn. I have had to lay my little daughter at Jesus' feet and I think posts like these are so timely and needed for those who see tragedies like these happen but don't know how to respond.

My advice to others is: Please don't ignore the one who is grieving! Even if they want some space, emails, cards, or a quick drop-off of food makes them feel less alone.

I have a friend who has not contacted me at all since I phoned her with our sad news. I have not received a card, nothing. Her son often spends a week or so at my house over the holidays and my kids are asking me to call her and ask him over again. But I don't know how to interpret her lack of response.

Is she simply one of those people who doesn't know what to do? Or does she judge me a bad mother because my daughter died in a preventable accident? Does she think the accident happened because of some "judgement of God" on my life? ( I know God is not like that but she tends to lean towards legalism.)

I haven't called her yet because I don't know if I could handle it if she acted "off-ish" to me. It is tough to reach out when you are the one that is hurting.

Tiamo said...

Hello
Just a quick note to say thank you
My losses are many and I usually do fine with God's help ,but sometimes I go down and takes awhile to get back on my feet. Usually it is as you say Helping others...
May God Bless all you who grieve..Call on Him and He will answer..thats a promise from HIM
Linda Rose

LeAnn said...

WOW! I am so touched by your comments and by the emails that I have been receiving today. Some of you have recently experienced the loss of someone you love. Oh how I wish I could personally write to every one of you, and I may at some point.

For those of you who are grieving, I am almost tempted to say, "it will get better with time" as a weak attempt at humor. So many people say this... but it truly does not make you feel any better to hear this at the time. My husband died on April 19th eleven years ago and, while it has gotten “better,” my life will never be the same. Your life will never be the same either. What I can honestly tell you is that, while a day does not go by that I don’t think of Ron, the thoughts have turned from sadness over missing him to joy at the memories I have of him. It took a long time for me to get to this place. But, focusing on what I do have in my life and on a very real Jesus who brings me joy, has been the best medicine and has gotten me through the more difficult times and the sleepless nights. Through my pain, I have grown closer to God in a way that I never knew was possible. I will pray the same for each of you. It will take a great deal of time but I pray that you will feel God’s presence and that He will bring you comfort as you grieve.

God’s Peace and Blessings,
LeAnn
LeAnn

Sheryl said...

Fabulous list!! People do say some really "dumb" things because they don't know what to say. When really they should say nothing at all. I'll be bookmarking this page for sure.

Now I'm going to continue to read through your blog.

-Sheryl

Amy Jo said...

LeAnn, I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved husband - and that you had to endure the thoughtless comments people made in the midst of your grief. Thank you so much for taking the time to share at such a deep level. Your words are so important for people to hear and take to heart. Your suggestions about not just offering to help, but actually DOING something are so helpful! THANK YOU. I hope to meet you at She Speaks! Blessings & grace, Amy

linda said...

LeAnn, just want to say thanks so much for your very helpfull comments. My husband died 12weeks ago & the words you have written have helped me to understand the unhelpfull comments some people make & also you have encouraged me with the Corinthians scripture - I do feel that God will help me (once the pain becomes contollable) to use this dreadfull experience to help others in the future. You are a blessing to the body, love & blessing to you. linda

Maria said...

LeAnn; this is the first time i've ever blogged. i think i made an error on my first try so i tried again. You have moved me to thank you for your courage in sharing with those of us who have trbl with helping people in their time of mourning. Using your tips i hope to be a better comfort to friends and family in their time of loss. God bless you! Maria

Unknown said...

I'm speechless right now and so very grateful for your willingness to share.
My father in law was killed in a car accident 2 weeks ago and the shock and emptiness I feel are only compounded by the thought of my Mom in law losing her best friend and lifetime companion.
My husband and I have decided to write a book entitled "If you need anything... and 23 other things NOT to say." Thanks for saying it just like it is.
I'm sending this link to my mom in law. I know it will bless her tremendously.

Micca said...

Great advice, girl! A few weeks after I lost my husband, a girlfriend sat up with me all night while I talked about Porter and our life together. All she did was listen. If was the best gift ever...except for when you drove all the way to Nashville to be with me when my sweet pastor past away. You Rock and I love you, friend!

SheriYates said...

I am sorry you lost your husband.

I think that you wrote this post so well and it is probably the heart of most who have lost.

I lost my mom (at a young age) and people weren't comfortable being around unless they were doing something. It drove me crazy. I just wanted someone to just BE (and be quiet).

My kids brought home goldfish a year after my mom died. One of them died...I was a basket-case! Little things trigger the emotion.

I can't imagine losing TY (my husband) and makes my heart sick to know that you did. a big hug in Jesus, sheri

amy presnell said...

I want to thank you so much for the time you took to give us ideas on helping grieving family members. You've inspired me to help a couple family members in ways I did'nt think of before. We lost my grandmother on Mothers Day. The whole family was there and the good Lord let us spend the whole day with her, she didn't pass until 10:30 that night, So family from all over was here and we brought in a radio and copied song lyrics to all her favorite gospel songs and just sung away and said our goodbyes. I want to take a minute to just remind everyone that our loved ones that have passed away, To just remember where they are and how much better off they really are, they are rejoicing and enjoying watching over us. That's where I draw my comfort. Thank you again

Bobbie said...

I popped over from Lysa's blog. I thought I would come over here and find the text book things I have always found on grieving and what to do and I was pleasantly surprised. My baby boy went home to be with Jesus May 17th of 2007. It has been a little over a year and I am still hurting as bad if not worse than when he died. I just don't like to say that I lost him because I didn't he is waiting for me. But, anyway what I was trying to say was thank you. I will never forget JT nor will I be over him. That just doesn't happen and some people just don't get that. I have one friend who is still holding a grudge because I didn't put her name in the obituary under special friends. I was in a fog when I did that and not thinking right. She still doesn't understand and mentions it every time I talk to her even though the times are few and far between. So, I would like to say please if a grieving person doesn't get all the tiny details right don't hold that against them. It's not easy, planning a funeral is one of the hardest things that we have to do.

Thanks,

Bobbie

Linds said...

Hi there... my husband died nearly 2 years ago, after the hospital missed what was wrong with him. It took 15 months until his inquest, and that ended with an open verdict. I am still in the middle of hospital complaints etc etc, and I have to say I have not even begun to grieve yet. I have been too busy keeping my family afloat and getting my youngest son through the last year of his schooling.

I also have to say that after he died, I drew up a list of what not to say and what to do when someone died. And I too was the recipient of a..."My pet died, so I know how you feel" comment. It beggars belief.

One very important thing to remember is that people assume that after a couple of weeks, things are all back to normal, and that you need to "snap out of it" and get on with living. This is unrealistic. It can take years. In most cases, it is simply because they are not thinking. Years, months, weeks...they are simply days after all.

Another piece of advice I can offer is to let people take care of things like cancelling subscriptions etc. I didn't. I needed to do it all and I was stupid. I could have saved myself hours of anguish by letting people do things for me. I was so confused at the time. It is like being in a foreign land and having no directions, not speaking the language and not knowing where to go or what to do.

Thanks for setting up this site. I will be back.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sue said...

Thank you for sharing with us. It is encouraging to see that others have been through grief and are now coping and moving forward. I know I will catch up with them soon.

Kitty @ Four Toms and a Mom said...

I'm amazed at how few of the wrong comments I received when my husband died. Perhaps I simply have forgotten about them. So if you are reading the list and realize you have goofed, please remember that most widows appreciate that you are trying.

I so wanted the contact with people, even if someone accidentally put their foot in their mouth.

Two things that stick out in my mind as tiny little favors that I absolutely appreciated (and there were so many people who helped me that I'm not certain exactly who it was who did these for me) were:

1 - sandwich tray. One total angel brought me a simple tray of plain sandwiches- each on plain white bread, cut diagonally, with no mayo or lettuce- just the bread, meat, and cheese- individually wrapped in saran wrap. I simply couldn't eat for weeks after Tom died. Of all the food provided, it was this simple gift that stuck in my mind. I could easly unwrap a half of a sandwich and force myself to eat that one simple item.

2 - Our guinnea pig cage. In the midst of the chaotic week of planning the funeral, I happened to glance over and notice completely clean, new shavings, a new water bottle, and brand new food. I was so touched that the even the poor little guy was being loved while the rest of us grieved. There are so many little ways to help.

The only part I thought was not helpful was people who wanted to help so much and pushed their emotional need to help on me. If you don't see a way to just quietly do it and help, and your grieving friend can't seem to tell you what she needs, just sit and be with her and allow your company to be enough, or come back and try later. I only got frustrated when a friend would have an emotional breakdown and tearfully cry, "I just want to help and I don't know how." Suddenly I found myself having to hold their emotional luggage on top of mine. I know it came from their love for me, so I was okay with it, it's just not helpful to the one grieving.

Jodie Wolfe said...

Hi LeAnn,
I realize that you are right in the crunch time with preparations with She Speaks and I just wanted you to know that I am praying for you. I pray that God gives you strength for each day and also the grace to handle whatever problems arise. May you feel His loving presence.

Blessings,
Pearls

Susan said...

Thanks so very much for expressing some of the same things I'm going through at the present...And yes...someone said to me, "I know EXACTLY how you feel. My dog just died!" We must have the same friends.

Although I appreciate any attempt at trying to help, and I realize people don't know what to say, remarks like those you mentioned hurt. At least ones like the "dog" remark give us something to laugh at!

Susan Dyar

Thanks again for you blog. (And sorry...I am not your mom, but when I created my account, it was for use on my son's blog, and Google won't let me change my name from Mom...or I'm too computer illiterate to figure it out.)

Unknown said...

LeAnn,

Thank you so much for sharing your heart on this subject. Just as we have such a difficult time navigating grief, often those around us have a hard time approaching the boat we are in.

I did not lose a spouse to death, but my oldest son died nearly three years ago. I had similar experiences to yours. At Christmas, just a few months after my son's death I was weeping unabashedly at the end of the service when my pastor's wife came to me and hugged me.

I buried my head in her shoulder and said, "I miss him so much."

Her reply, "Well, he ain't missin' you."

This made me want to retreat and never share anything deep about my pain again. For months people around me watched as I suffered through grief, not knowing what to ask for and they not dare wanting to approach me for fear of doing the wrong thing or saying the wrong thing.

I finally found a support group of bereaved parents and began the healing work in grief many months later. In that experience, I have found that many of us may not feel the same way - but, it is easier to hear things from people who have walked a mile in your shoes like "I believe my son is in a better place, and there is hope now for me."

This is a wonderful post and worth sharing. Lots of good information.

Anonymous said...

Le Anne,

Thank you so much for your thoughts on how to help someone grieving. I lost a son fourteen years ago and he was fifteen months old and I know how I felt when people made comments that were not so sensitive to my situation, but I still have a hard time understanding how to help someone else grieving. I have two friends that are dealing with grief at this very moment...one lost her younger brother at the age of twenty-eight and the other a baby she was pregnant with. Although I cannot begin to understand how they feel I do want to be of some help and comfort. I pray for them and do not want to be overbearing, but also want them to know that I am here for them.
So, thank you so much for the ideas on how to help them, they were extremely helpful.
Blessings, Prayers, and Love,
Lyz