Another Year, Another Tear

Ron died 12 years ago today. I can remember the day as if it was yesterday. I remember the details, the time, who was at the house... and I remember the pain in my gut and the catch in my throat as I held back the tears. I have to admit that, while this was absolutely the most painful day of my life, the day also brought some relief.

You see - my precious husband died a few weeks before his body did. I had been in mourning since the moment we realized that cancer was winning the battle and Ron would not survive. When he was still able to communicate, I was able to say everything that I wanted to say. I am grateful for that time. Ron knew how very much he was loved.

Ron's body lay in the living room in a hospital bed that hospice had brought in. They set up a morphine drip that I could control. With any sign of agitation, I upped the dose. It's not like he could become an addict so I figured... just keep him out of pain. The last thing that you want is for someone that you love to be in pain. I just wanted him to be at peace. His mind was gone. His memories were gone. Now I was just waiting for his body to give in.

I monitored him every moment of every day. I slept semi-sitting in a loveseat that I set right beside his bed. My mom and my sister-in-law, Kris, kept Nick with them as much as possible. I didn't want his memories of his dad to be memories of those last weeks. Hospice came in a few times a week so I was able to take a shower and a nap and spend some time with Nick before someone came to pick him up.

The day before Ron died his parents came to stay. They didn't live that far away so they could come and go as they wanted but this time they wanted to stay. We all knew that the end was near and they wanted to stay next to his bed at night and hold his hand.

For the first time in weeks, I was able to sleep in our bed. I was physically and emotionally exhausted and I was asleep the moment my head hit the pillow. I slept a full night but when I woke in the morning, I knew that this would be the day.

Because Ron's parents were there, I was able to take a shower and get dressed and then drive Nick to his gymnastics class where we would meet up with his cousins and my sister-in-law. Kris would be taking Nick home with her for the weekend. Before we left, I sat with Ron and told him that he didn't need to hang on any more. I assured him that we would be OK. Ron was mostly unresponsive but I had a feeling that he understood and was just waiting to go until he felt that everyone would be OK. I talked to Nick and told him that we needed to let daddy go to heaven. Nick was only three. He leaned close to Ron's face and said, "It's time for you to go live with the angels, Daddy." He kissed him on the cheek and then placed a Winnie-the-Pooh sticker on Ron's forehead.

Before Nick and I left, I shared my thoughts with Ron's parents and asked them to say goodbye. Ron's uncle was flying in that day and would arrive shortly. Even in Ron's "barely there" state, I think he new that Uncle Rick was coming.

About a half an hour after arriving at gymnastics, my mother walked in. She didn't have to say anything. I knew. Ron's parents had called her so that she would come and tell me in person. Nick went home with Kris and his cousins and I drove home. Ron's parents met me outside and handed me his wedding ring. Ron had died shortly after Uncle Rick had arrived. He waited for each of us to say goodbye and then he smiled as he took his last breath.

The rest of the day was bizarre. If you have lived through this, you know exactly what I'm talking about. I am very grateful for hospice and for our families and friends that stayed to "take care of things" for me. Calls were made and closets were cleaned out. All signs of cancer and medicine were removed from the house. The funeral home sent someone to pick up Ron's body. They zipped him up in a black bag. I remember my father-in-law trying to keep me out of the living room. He watched as Ron's body was prepared but he didn't want me to have to see it so he protected me by sending people to keep me occupied in another room.

Ron was taken away naked with a Winnie-the-Pooh sticker on his forehead. Someone told them to remove the sticker but I forbid it.

I think I'll end here. I will share about my first night alone in the house at another time. I've shed enough tears for today. These are tears of sadness and some of relief because he was no longer in pain. Next time... I promise to share my tears of joy!

Sweet Blessings,
LeAnn

New Life!

We've gotten through another holiday, my friends. As soon as my feet touched the floor yesterday morning, I began praying for you. The holidays are just plain rough! However... Easter carries with it the promise of New Life and that is something to celebrate! As believers, we know that we will rise again. This life on earth is only temporary. What awaits us is more than we can ever imagine.

During our Easter service yesterday, our pastor offered a "Resurrection Prayer" at the end of his sermon and I wanted to share it with you today:

Almighty God, I want more power in my life and I'm coming to realize that this power... and hope... and promise begins with confessions - confession that MY sins are what has carved a separation between me and you. Gracious Lord, on this resurrection day, I commit to turn from my sins and turn to You. Gentle Jesus, on this resurrection day, I invite you to come into my heart

(choose one)
for the first time
more fully
more powerfully
more abundantly

Through the Holy Spirit, I invite you to take greater control of my life and give me the promised power, peace, hope, and joy. Amen

I was so overwhelmed by this invitation that I wept from the moment I prayed the prayer through the end of the service. As I walked up to receive Communion, I prayed through tears for those who invited Jesus into their heart for the very first time.

If you do not know Jesus as your Lord and Savior, please visit this page:

Do You Know Jesus?

My sweet friends, there is hope in Jesus. He is what gets us through each day. He gives us a reason to smile. He gives us joy and peace and power. He is The Way, The Truth, and The Life... forever and ever!

Sweet Blessings,
LeAnn

Yummy Memories!

I just posted on my other blog about some of the meals that I remember from my childhood. (Read the post here) This led to a conversation with my Proverbs 31 Ministries sisters during lunch today. We shared some of the meals that our moms made for us and we talked about the meals we make for our kids. We also talked about missing those recipes that our moms and grandmothers made for us.

Melissa's mom has stage 4 lung cancer. Melissa spends as much time with her as she can, enjoying laughing and sharing memories together. Yesterday her mom pulled out her recipes and Melissa listened as her mom commented on some of them. This made me think about the special meals that my grandmothers made and how sad I am that I only have a few of their recipes.

Those of us who have lost a loved one treasure our memories. Many of my memories are tied to a smell or, in the case of my grandmothers, to certain meals. It's not just about the actual food - it's about the memories attached to the food. It's about how happy they were to see the enjoyment on my face as I took that first bite of the meal they prepared with so much love. It's about the company, the conversations, and the laughter that surrounded the meals.

Every year on Ron's birthday, I prepare one of his favorite meals (or at least part of it - since Nick doesn't like it). Ron loved my grilled chicken and mushroom lasagna and German chocolate cake! The grin that spread across his face and the twinkle in his eye when I made this meal on his birthday is something I will never forget and the memory brings a smile to my face even now.

I encourage you to celebrate the memory of a loved one with your family by preparing a favorite meal, like I do on Ron's birthday. Nick and I laugh as I share silly stories about his dad as we eat the meal. Instead of spending Ron's birthday being sad because he is no longer with us, we spend it celebrating his life.

Here's another thought...

Do you have an elderly parent, aunt, grandmother that holds treasured recipes? If you do, how about putting together a cookbook/scrapbook with the recipes, some photos, and personal notes. Have them help you put this together, including their own memories of special occasions or silly stories. If you have recipes in their own handwriting... all the better! Make copies and include them. Make sure you make a book for everyone. What an amazing gift this will make for all members of the family and what a great way to pass along the recipes and stories to your children and their children...

Include your holiday traditions in your book. What a great way to pass these traditions on to future generations.

This type of book would also make a great wedding gift for a new daughter-in-law. Not long after my brothers were married, I put together a cookbook that included some of our family recipes. You know... mom's meatloaf (because everyone else's meatloaf is awful), Granddaddy's chili, and the recipes for all the Christmas cookies mom made every year. My brothers were as excited as their wives to have these recipes. Honestly, I don't know if my brother, Brett, could get through the holidays without mom's famous cherry bars!

My sweet friends, putting together a book of recipes, photos, and stories is a wonderful way to spend time with those you love, remember those you have lost, and keep memories alive for future generations.

I'm suddenly craving mom's meatloaf. Her secret ingredient... Rice Krispies! Strange but true!

Sweet Blessings,
LeAnn