Blue Christmas

Getting through the holidays is much more difficult that getting through "normal" days. I would have preferred to pretend that it wasn't Christmas that first year after Ron died. But, television specials, Christmas songs, and decorations everywhere I went would have made it impossible to ignore the holiday even if I could. Nick was just a toddler when Ron died so I couldn't exactly skip Christmas. So, I went through the motions just like I thought I should.

That first year was definitely the hardest. I honestly don't remember how I got through except that I did it one day at a time. I tried not to think of all that would take place between Nick's birthday on November 2nd and New Year's Day. I just lived one day at a time. I didn't make a lot of holiday plans. I felt uncomfortable around other families who were celebrating. I just wanted to be left alone. Contrary to the old saying... misery does NOT love company.

As the years have passed, I have learned a little more with each holiday season. Here are a few tips for surviving the holidays after the loss of a loved one. If this is your first Christmas after your loss, I pray that these tips will help you get through December (and the dreaded New Year's Eve) better than I did.

1. Don't try to block your mind of your happy memories. It won't work and you will end up even more miserable that you think you will. Instead, look through photos of happy times and celebrate your wonderful memories. If you have a large family, have family members and friends tell funny stories about your loved one. You may not be able to imagine it but... I promise that you will laugh together. I also promise that you will cry but it will be a good cry.

2. Find a special candle and light it during the holidays to remember. The warmth of the glow of the candle will be comforting and it is a physical reminder that your loved one is always with you. I have a special candle for Ron that I keep in my bedroom. I made sure to purchase a very large candle and I don't light it all the time... just on special occasions so it will last. I also placed it in a large hurricane votive so that it is very pretty and protected.

3. If you do not have small children or grandchildren, don't feel pressured to go all out with Christmas decorations if you don't want to. It is perfectly reasonable to have a simple nativity scene as a reminder of the season.

4. If you think that your traditional ways of celebrating the holidays will be painful, do things differently. You should discuss this with other family members and make the decision together. One idea is to leave town! Go somewhere that you have never been before and create a new memory. It may be comforting to you and/or to your family to keep your family traditions. If so... go for it. But, if you think it will make the holidays harder to get through, you should not keep with your traditions. You may decide to keep one tradition the same but change others. You decide what works best for you and your family. Maybe start a few new traditions to add to your old ones?

5. Pour yourself and your grief into someone who needs you. I have found that doing for someone else helps take the focus off of my own pain. There is always someone else who is hurting physically, emotionally, financially, spiritually, etc. Find a need that fits your gifts and pour yourself into them. A friend of mine visited our office yesterday. She lost her son in a tragic accident about eight years ago. Christmas is very hard for her. She keeps herself busy by making little goodie bags and delivering them to others. She is channeling her energy into something positive and it is helping her get through a difficult time.

6. Hang a special ornament on your tree in memory of your loved one. After Ron and I were married, a friend of my in-laws painted a beautiful ornament with a church-snow scene. On the back it has our names and our wedding date. This is one of my most prized ornaments and it always takes it's place front and center on my tree each year.

7. Instead of dealing with the crowds of holiday shoppers and having to get through decorated stores and crowds of happy families and couples shopping hand-in-hand, order online or just give gift cards. Don't put yourself through it!

8. Donate the money you would have spent on a gift for your loved one to a charity that was significant to them. Give the gift in their memory.

9. Hang a stocking for your loved one. Ask visiting friends and family to write notes about him or her and place them in the stocking for you to read when you are up to it.

10. Take care of yourself! Get outside and get fresh air. Don't hibernate. Eat healthy snacks. You may not feel up to big holiday meals but keep yourself healthy by eating small snacks throughout the day. Exercise - even if it's just a short walk. Clear air, movement, sunshine, and a little protein will help you feel better about yourself and your situation. Sitting alone inside a dark house because you just want to escape is not good for you and will probably push you into a deep depression. I know it's hard to think about taking care of yourself when you just want to crawl under the covers and cry but at least try. It really will make you feel a bit better.

11. I know what I just said in number 10 but... it is also OK to crawl under the covers and cry. Just don't stay there all day. Cry your eyes out and then go for a walk. Try a different environment for a new perspective.

12. Be prepared! Memories will come on like a flood and overwhelm you. Know that something like hanging a particular ornament on the tree or a special song will trigger the flood. Know that it is coming so that it doesn't catch you off guard. And... know that this is normal. Don't beat yourself up or start feeling like you shouldn't be so upset over something so silly. Your feelings are real and never silly. Go with it... and then let it go.

13. Don't go to any New Year's Eve parties or even have people over. In my case - I went to bed before the stroke of midnight and just pretended it was like any other day. The last thing I wanted was to be around happy couples kissing at the stroke of midnight or seeing them on one of the television specials.

14. Be honest about your feelings and what makes things easier or more difficult for you when you are talking to friends and family members. They will be worried about you and may want to force you to participate in their festivities to keep you occupied or distracted. Tell them how you feel. Let them know that you appreciate their efforts. Accept invitations if you feel up to it. But don't feel guilty if you aren't up to it and be honest about those feelings with anyone extending an invitation. Maybe offer an alternative like going out to a movie (less talking involved).

If this is your first holiday season after the loss of a loved one I can assure you that subsequent years won't be as hard. After 11 years without Ron, I still miss him and wish he was here. I still cry just a little when a certain song comes on the radio. I just cry a little less each year.

I pray that these tips will help you cope through this difficult time.

I encourage you to spend time with Jesus - He is the gift of hope for us all and the promise of eternal life with those we hold dear.

Sweet Blessings,
LeAnn