Happily Never After

OK... I survived Christmas.

New Year's Eve is another story. It's my least favorite day of the year.

I know that it should be a time for counting my blessings and praising God for all the good things that have happened over the last year. And, of course, looking forward in anticipation to what He has in store for the year ahead. But, each year I somehow manage to find myself stuck in the pit. You know... focusing on what I don't have instead of what I do.

With each new year I lose hope in ever getting my "happily ever after." Yes, I know that I am blessed to have an amazing son, a great mom, wonderful friends, an awesome job, and Jesus who loves me without measure. But... at the end of the day... I still go to bed alone. I am still looking at a future with no kiss at midnight year after year after year after year...

I know that many of you feel the same way. Today is just plain hard. But tomorrow will be better and I'll try to stay busy and I'll try to refocus my thoughts on what I do have in my life. But for today, I'm just going to have a good cry and try to get through it.

I'm praying for all of you my sweet friends. Praying that God will be your portion today.

"Fear not, for I am with you;
Be not dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you,
Yes, I will help you,
I will uphold you with My righteous right hand."
(Isaiah 41:10)

In His Love,
LeAnn

Surviving Christmas

Oh my... here we are again. Another Christmas without someone we love. December is a hard month to get through when you have lost someone you love so much.

This year hasn't been as hard for me as some years have been. (Although it's not over yet and I am hormonal!) I am keeping myself very busy with lots of projects and activities. And, I'm focusing on the gift of Jesus and on giving back to Him this Christmas. After all... it is His birthday! I can't think of a greater gift to give Him than to serve "the least of these" in His name.

With that in mind, here's how I'm surviving Christmas this year:

I am pouring myself into the lives of others. There is ALWAYS someone who is feeling worse than I am. And there is ALWAYS a need greater than my own.

Check with your pastor or with the social services agency in your area and find out if there is a family in need this Christmas. You can provide Christmas dinner and/or gifts for a family that otherwise would have nothing this year.

Serve at your local soup kitchen or homeless shelter. Nick and I also put together a Christmas gift bag for everyone who came for the hot meal. We included an orange, peanut butter crackers, socks, toothbrush and toothpaste, chocolate, lots of homemade Christmas cookies, shampoo, deodorant, and gloves.

Collect blankets, socks, coats, and gloves as a project. Bring the items to a local shelter. I promise these items will be a tremendous blessing to those who will spend the night on the street in freezing temperatures!

Consider working with an organization like Samaritan's Purse where you can spend as many hours as you would like putting boxes together for those who are less fortunate.

Visit an assisted living or retirement center. I am always surprised by how many people end up alone at Christmas with no visitors! Some of these precious people seem forgotten. It breaks my heart! They LOVE visitors.

If you will be spending Christmas alone, find out if there are other members of your church who will also be alone. Plan a fun dinner or potluck and include everyone who would have been alone. Spend the day together. Play silly games and watch the most ridiculous Christmas movie. (One that will force you to laugh in spite of yourself.) Good food and fellowship is always a good thing!

OK - these are just a few ideas. This may or may not work for you but, for me, keeping busy and keeping focused on what would make God happy helps me get through Christmas with a more joyful heart. Instead of being "me-focused" I am focusing my energy outward. I am less aware of what I don't have and more aware of the joy of doing for others. Blessing someone else truly will bless you.

My sweet friends, I will be praying for you in the days ahead. I pray that God will be everything you need... that He will fill every empty space... and that you will see Him in extraordinary ways.

Merry CHRISTmas!
LeAnn

It's the Happiest Time of the Year... At Least That's What the Song Says

I woke up this morning in a funk and haven't been able to shake it. The funk started creeping in about a week ago but my in-laws' visit and our trip to Charleston over Thanksgiving kept me a little distracted. This morning I am back in my normal routine so the funk covered me like a dark cloud.

With Thanksgiving, my anniversary, Christmas, New Years, and then my birthday the following week, this time of the year is always a struggle. I try my best to count my blessings but the losses and the loneliness still manage to creep in.

Tomorrow would have been my 20th anniversary. Ron and I would have spent this weekend on a romantic getaway. Instead, I will be doing laundry, running errands, cleaning the house, and trying to remain joyful as I decorate the house for Christmas.

Christmas will be quiet at my house. It's just me and Nick. He will spend the day in his "man-cave" playing video games on the computer and I will spend the day watching unrealistic movies on the Hallmark channel. You know the ones... some perfect dude strolls into town and falls in love with the single-mom and they live happily ever after. Yeah... like that really happens.

New Years Eve will be depressing as will my birthday. These are just anniversaries of another year of being alone. Hmmmm... who wants to celebrate that?

Uggghhh... no wonder I'm in a funk.

Now I have a choice. I can either wallow in the funk or choose to be joyful. I definitely choose joy. But... it takes some effort. You wouldn't think so, would you? Seems like a no-brainer. But pulling yourself out of the pit is hard work when all you want to do is cry and crawl under the covers and wait until February. Oh... maybe February is too early with Valentine's Day and all :(

I'm going to pull myself out of the deep pit one step at a time by counting my blessings.

I have Jesus! No matter what is missing from my life... Jesus is ALWAYS there. He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. It's His hand that reaches down to pull me up when I'm in the pit.

I have an amazing son who, even though he would rather stay in his man-cave and doesn't snuggle with mommie like he used to, is turning into a fine Godly young man (and one day, hopefully, will provide me with grandchildren to spoil).

I have an amazing "job." It's hard to call it a job really. It's a calling. It's my family. Jesus is my CEO so... like... can it get any better? I work with the most amazing women who make sacrifices so that they can work together for HIS glory. And, Lysa is the most supportive and generous boss in the world! Seriously!

I have wonderful friends. Not a lot of friends... just a handful of great friends. The kind that will do anything for you. The kind that extend grace and laugh WITH you when you do something stupid. The kind that love you no matter what.

Nick and I have a home (thanks to my mom), a car that runs (thanks to Luann), food on our table, clothes on our backs, a cat that drives us crazy, and our health. All blessings... even the cat.

We have a wonderful church family. We have been members of Spirit of Joy for ten years now and I am honored to worship alongside brothers- and sisters-in-Christ who stand together on the Word of God instead of conforming to what the world tells us.

OK - I'm not all the way out of the pit but I am definitely getting closer to the light! Like I said... it isn't easy. It takes a lot of effort and, when you are in the pit, you are already kind of exhausted and drained. It's kind of a nasty little cycle, isn't it?

Today, my friends, I am counting my blessings and I count you among them. I will be praying for you as you go through this holiday season together. I pray that Jesus will fill every empty space and that He will bring you the kind of peace that only He can provide. I pray that you will find moments of joy and reasons to smile. I pray that you will find much to be thankful for. I pray that God will reveal Himself to you in a very tangible way. And I pray that your life will glorify His Name.

Sweet Blessings,
LeAnn

A Sweet Reminder

I absolutely love the fall. It's my favorite season. I love the crispness, the sounds, the smells, I love baking autumn harvest treats, and I love the beautiful display of colors. The leaves seem to be at their peak this week. Earlier today I drove down one of those awesome roads where the trees are like a giant umbrella over the winding road. I couldn't help but think that a photo would have made a beautiful postcard. And, it was a great reminder to stop and appreciate God's wonderful creation. How often do we, as adults, stop to appreciate the changing of the leaves; that a caterpiller turns into a butterfly; that flowers that die return the following year?

As I was baking a yummy autumn treat for my Sunday school class this past Sunday morning I stopped to look out my kitchen window. I was admiring the gorgeous colors of the leaves when a single pink snapdragon caught my eye. It seemed so out of place. It was in my flower box. The flower box that I did not have time to plant last spring. The flower box that has been empty for over a year. I don't know when she appeared (I have decided that snapdragons are girls) but I felt as though God was giving me a sweet little gift... A gift of new hope... a sweet reminder that He makes all things new.

Of course I had to grab my camera and take a quick photo of it. And... I did have to make it sing! I just love that when you squeeze the sides of the flower her mouth opens up as if she were singing in a choir! Isn't that the coolest thing? It's like she's a flower and a toy all wrapped up in one amazing creation.

It's moments like these that remind me that there is beauty in life and there is hope in tomorrow... even if it doesn't always feel like it. If you are stuck in a bad place today, step outside. Take a deep breath and enjoy the sights, smells, and sounds of autumn. Today is a new day. Let's rejoice in it.


Here's the yummy muffin recipe! I got the base of this recipe from the Everyday Life page of www.Proverbs31.org. They had only three ingredients so I had to give them a try. And boy am I glad I did. I added the streusel topping because... well... any excuse to add buttery brown sugar goodness seems like a good idea!

Pumpkin Spice Muffins with Streusel Topping

Muffins:

1/2 cup water
15-oz can pumpkin (not pie mix, just canned pumpkin)
one box of spice cake mix

Streusel Topping:

1/2 cup flour
1/2 cup packed light brown sugar
1 teaspoon cinnamon
2/3 stick cold butter
1/2 cup chopped pecans

In a large mixing bowl, combine the water and the pumpkin. Stir in the cake mix. Spoon into paper-lined muffin tins (fill 2/3 full).

Make the streusel by mixing flour, brown sugar and cinnamon. Cut in the cold butter with a pastry blender until it resembles coarse crumbs. Stir in pecans.

Sprinkle streusel over each muffin. (I had streusel left over... an excuse to make another batch of muffins!)

Bake at 350 degrees for 20 minutes or until toothpick comes out clean.

Enjoy!

Sweet Harvest Blessings,
LeAnn

I Feel Loved

I am so overwhelmed by your words of encouragement and your prayers in response to my last post "Pit of Loneliness." But mostly, I am overwhelmed by those of you who have privately emailed me to share your own feelings of loneliness. I didn't write that post because I wanted to. God nudged me in a way that I simply could not ignore. I didn't know why I had to share those feelings until I read your emails. I think some of you needed to know that you were not alone.

I wish I could tell you that I'm permanently out of the pit but I know that this is not true. Those of you who have lost your husband, or someone close to you, know that this is a one-day-at-a-time process. We have good days and bad days.

I have two coping methods.

One is to keep myself as busy as possible. The busier I am, the less time I have to wallow in self-pity. The less time I have to feel lonely. The less time I have to think about what I don't have. I find that if I can focus on others it takes my mind off of me. And... isn't that what Jesus asks of us? We should be focused on others and not ourselves. I am not the only sad and lonely person in the world. I am not the only person who has suffered a loss. The world is filled with people who have no home, no food, and who live in fear. The world is filled with people who don't know Jesus.

By focusing my energy on helping others, whether that means babysitting for a friend, making a meal for someone who just got out of the hospital, volunteering at the local soup kitchen, teaching Sunday School, etc, I am not self-focused. I imagine that Jesus was lonely. He poured Himself into others and I am TRYING to learn by His example.

The other way that I cope with loneliness is to allow Jesus to fill all my empty spaces. I don't succeed at this every day (I just posted on www.LeAnnRice.com about my struggles in this area) but I am making a concentrated effort. You would think that knowing that God loves me overwhelmingly and unconditionally would pull me to Him each and every morning but somehow I allow myself to get distracted by that next load of laundry or the dishes in the kitchen sink.

However, I do stop throughout the busyness of each day (the busyness I create) to take a deep breath and allow His Spirit to fill me. With each breath I remind myself that I am dearly loved.

So... what are your coping methods? How do you get through the hard days? We are in this together!

Sweet Blessings,
LeAnn

Pit of Loneliness

I'm pretty sure this is the title of a sad country song. If not... it probably will be.

I really prayed long and hard about sharing this with you but, in the end, God said I had to so... here goes...

I am in a sad, lonely, dark pit at the moment. In the 12 years since Ron died, I have been in this place from time to time. Different things trigger the fall and I don't seem to have any control over it. I don't like being in the pit. I know it will end in a few days but that doesn't seem to make it any easier to take.

I haven't shared this before because I don't want the people who care about me to worry (or commit me to an institution). I feel as though I need to keep a smile on my face so everyone will think that I am just fine. But I'm not always just fine. Sometimes life hurts.

It's also hard being in ministry and feeling as though I would be letting everyone down if they knew that I didn't have my act together. Seriously... shouldn't Jesus be enough? Then I beat myself up for letting myself go to a place where I want more than Jesus. It's a downward spiral from there.

Here's the cold hard truth:

I am lonely!

I hate that I don't have someone who loves me waiting for me at the end of the day.

I hate that I can't crawl into bed at night and into my husbands arms.

I hate that I will grow old alone instead of with my best friend.

I hate that I can't pick up the phone and tell him good or bad news the moment it happens or just share my feelings.

I hate that I don't have a date for dinner and a movie... or anything.

I hate that I don't get included in lots of outings because I just don't fit. I'm too old for my younger single friends to include me and I'm not part of a couple like my older married friends.

I hate it that when I am included with my married friends, I feel like a third wheel.

I hate feeling like this is a life-sentence.

I hate it that I feel sorry for myself.

I hate it when others feel sorry for me.

I am dreading the day that Nick leaves for college because then I will be completely alone... with a cat! I'm going to be the crazy lady that everyone talks about!

I hate that I don't have a partner to do life with.

I cry so hard some nights that I can't breath, which means I can't go to sleep. I just lie there on my wet pillow and cry all night.

I hate that I can't tell anyone.

Anyone but you. I know you understand and that's why God MADE me share my heart today. I didn't want to. I am praying that my friends don't see this. They'll be extra nice and that will make it worse. (Go figure?)

Friends, if I am feeling this way then I am sure some of you are too. And, I hate that. I am swimming in a pit of despair and it hurts my heart more than I can say to know that some of you are in this same place. I am so sorry. I hope it helps you to know that you are not alone. I hope you don't lose faith in me. I promise I'll be smiling again very soon.

But in the meantime... I am giving myself permission to be sad.

A friend reminded me of something today... God's mercies are new every day. I'm going to hold on to that for now. For now, that will be enough.

Blessings,
LeAnn

For All Ages

Hey Friends!

Our ministry division for teen girls, Living with Purpose: A Radical Revolution, has focused on Heaven all week. Each post is awesome and, I think, appropriate for all ages. These young women ask great questions and have great insight. We should never ignore the next generation of influencers. They have much to teach us.

I contributed today's post called, "Glimpse of Heaven." While it was written for teen girls, I would love for all ages to read about my glimpse of Heaven. It's really just a teaser. One day I will take the time to describe everything I saw but I don't feel emotionally ready to go there right now. God will tell me when the time is right.

I am particularly honored that Kristen (the Next Generation Coordinator) asked me to write todays post as she wanted to use my experience as a springboard for providing the steps to salvation. Friends, if you do not know Jesus or if someone you love does not know Him, I implore you to visit www.RadRevolution.org today. If just one person comes to know Jesus today as a result of Kristen's efforts, my heart will sing with great joy!

In Christ's Love,
LeAnn

When Someone You Love is Dying

What a yucky blog title but... it is what it is. All of us will experience this type of loss at some point in our lives. It may be a member of your family or a close friend. In my case it was my husband... my best friend.

In previous posts I have shared how to help someone who is grieving but what about when you are living through it right now. What if someone you love has only months or weeks to live. What can you do? What can you say?

My sweet friend, Renee, called me earlier this week. A dear friend of hers has been battling cancer for quite some time and her doctors have now given her two weeks to live. Renee wanted to know how she could help her friend and what she could possibly say. If you are in this same situation, here are my thoughts:

First, if they are angry or depressed PLEASE do not try to talk them out of their anger or depression. They need their feelings to matter. Of course they are angry and/or depressed. Scream or cry with them. Aren't you just as angry... just as devastated?

Don't try to comfort them by saying, "it will be OK." No... it won't be OK. Things won't ever be OK again and saying that it will be will only minimize their feelings.

Depending on the situation, you may want to learn all you can about the disease and treatment. For me, the more I know, the better I can deal with what I am facing. I like knowing what I'm dealing with... no matter how difficult.

Know that this is a season and that you will get through it. It may not seem that way when you are in the midst of it but you will get through it and you will grow from it. Anytime someone touches your heart they become a part of you. This doesn't change after they are gone. In time you will forget the dying, and remember the life.

Don't try to be strong for them. They need to know that you are upset. Hiding your feelings will probably not have the affect you were hoping for. You may think that you are helping them by expressing "I'm OK - don't worry about me" by being strong but they will feel like you don't care.... that you don't hurt. They need to know that they matter and that you are hurting.

Don't say "I understand how you feel" to someone who is dying or to someone who has a loved one who is dying. No matter what you have personally experienced, you do not understand someone else's feelings. Feelings are personal and individual. They probably won't shout "no you don't" in anger... but that's probably how they will feel.

Remember that your husband, sister, mother, friend, etc. is the same person that they have always been. They are dying but they are no different. They are the same person. If they have always been soft spoken and quiet, they will probably continue to be soft spoken and quiet. They may not express anger. They may deal with this as they have dealt with everything else in their life - quietly. This goes for someone who is typically outspoken. They will likely deal with this by telling everyone exactly how they feel about it.

Also, don't change the way you interact with this person. Talk to them the way you have always talked to them. Changing your demeanor will only make them feel separated from you. They don't want your pity - They want you to be compassionate and there is a big difference.

Just be there for them. They are likely feeling very alone. Sitting with them and holding their hand or touching their arm is the best thing you can do for them. Tell them how much you love them and that you are there no matter what and in any capacity that they need.

If the person is in a place where they are ready to take care of things... be there to help. Offer your assistance. Help them think through what is important. If Hospice is not involved, I highly recommend contacting them. I don't know what I would have done if Hospice wasn't there to help me. Ron and I didn't even know what we had to get in order. Hospice will provide a list. They will even make phone calls for you. They will hold your hand through the entire process.

Help them justify their life on earth. Doesn't everyone want to know that they made a lasting contribution? Take every opportunity to share how they have made a difference in your life and in the lives of others.

If you aren't comfortable being around someone who is dying, or if you aren't comfortable being around the loved one of someone who is dying... do something practical for them. Offer to run errands, make phone calls, get papers in order, etc. God gave us different gifts but each gift is important and needed. You may not be good just sitting and listening but you may be very good at checking things off of a list. Use your gift to serve and care for those you love in the way that works for you and for them.

Ask for help... especially if you are the main caregiver. I remember so many people asking me if they could help but I was too overwhelmed to think about what kind of help I needed. I also felt as if they were offering only to be nice. Don't be proud! Ask for help! So many people are waiting for you to ask. They need to "do something" so let them. It will help them and it will help you.

Listen to them. If they want to talk about their feelings, their fears, their regrets, their hopes for the children or spouse they are leaving behind... listen.

And lastly, but most importantly, pray with them and for them.

I hope that these thoughts are helpful but I do want to add a disclaimer. As I have said, everyone is different. We all react differently in these situations and there are no perfect answers when you are faced with this type of devastation. These are simply my own thoughts and feelings. Please consider them only as a place to start and go with your heart.

In Christ's Love,
LeAnn

A BIG and ESSENTIAL P.S. When I posted this yesterday I made a huge mistake. I wrote with the assumption that the person was saved. I woke up in the middle of the night last night with this weighing on my heart. So this morning I MUST add this P.S. Please... if the person you love does not have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, introduce Him! If you don't know what to say, here's a link to Proverbs 31 Ministries "Do You Know Jesus" page.

A Season of Complications

Hi Friends!

I've been absent for a while but I'm back! It seems as though every moment of the past couple of months has been spent working on our annual She Speaks Conference. Now that the conference is over, I'm finding it difficult to get back on track and figure out what my "normal" daily routine is. (Like posting on my blogs!)

In the weeks leading up to the conference, and many times during the conference, women asked me what I would do when the conference was over. It was pretty much assumed that I would take a vacation... go somewhere to rest and recover. As a single mom... getting away isn't easy.

I discovered the "complications" of being a single parent before Ron died. Our son, Nick, was only three years old and Ron was too weak to do anything other than lie in the hospital bed we had in our living room. I certainly couldn't leave a three-year-old alone so I found it difficult to do the most basic daily tasks like taking out the garbage. We had a very long driveway. I couldn't drag the garbage out to the curb until Nick was in bed sleeping.

A quick trip to pick up milk at the store was no longer a quick trip. I had to pack up Nick (and his stuff) and buckle him into his car seat. Once we reached the store I had to get him out of the car and carry him inside with me. A simple 15-minute trip to the store became an exhausting chore.

Nick is now 15-years-old. He takes out the garbage (yeah!) and I can leave him home when I run out for milk (or, nowadays, it's "Mom, we're out of snacks!"). But... little excursions are still complicated.

A group of my bestest girlfriends are going away for a girls birthday celebration weekend in two weeks. As much as I would love to go and just be a girl for a few days, I can't leave Nick home alone. The other gals all have husbands at home with their kids. This is my season of complications. Even with a great support system of friends who are willing to take Nick for the weekend, it doesn't always work out (and Nick doesn't like having to stay with my friends - he would rather be in his own home).

Please don't get me wrong... I love spending time with Nick. That's not at all complicated. But sometimes, it sure would be nice to be able to get away for rest or for fun. In just a few years Nick will go away to college. I'm sure I will cry me a river when I leave him in a dorm room! But... it will be a new season for Nick and for me. A season of independence for both of us.

Blessings my friends!
LeAnn

Tell Me Again About Heaven

It's been almost a full month since my last post. We are in the final planning weeks of our annual She Speaks conference so my days are filled with conference details. I need to stay focused so I don't make any big mistakes... like mixing up the roommates or allowing men to register for the women's conference. (It could happen!) So, I'm not posting very regularly :(

I promise to share the ups and down's of my life with you again very soon... or in about 7 weeks. In the meantime, I am listening to Cheri Keaggy's latest CD and it is amazing. One of the songs particularly touched me and I'm sure it will strike a chord with you as well. Enjoy~

Tell Me Again About Heaven

Have you ever looked at the sky
And wished you had wings fit to fly
'Cause you'd like to be free high above the ground
Never coming down
Looks like the perfect day for a balloon ride
I've been dreaming
Of that someday by and by

Won't you tell me again about Heaven
When we'll all be there at the Throne
Lord, won't You take me to Heaven
I want to go home

Have you ever cried for want
'Cause you wanted something so bad
That you feel overwhelmed at the thought of it
Just to ponder it
Makes you feel happy-sad at the same time
It's a longing
I've been longing for so long

Won't you tell me again about Heaven
When we'll all be there at the Throne
Lord, won't You take me to Heaven
I want to go home

No nothing compares
To the joy that awaits us up there
When we'll be caught up in the air
And I can't wait for that day
Come take me away
I can't wait for that day
Come take me away

Won't you tell me again about Heaven
When we'll all be there at the Throne
Lord, won't You take me to Heaven
I want to go home

Tell me again about Heaven
The most beautiful place that I know
Even though I've never been there
I want to go home
I want to go home

My favorite line... "When we'll ALL be there at the Throne."

Friends, this is where our hope comes from. This is where we find joy. This is how we go on.

We will all be there at the Throne.

Thanks, Cheri, for putting my hope to music... so beautifully!

Sweet Blessings,
LeAnn

Choose Joy!

Hi Friends,

I'm sure you have noticed that I haven't posted in a while. I'm in the She Speaks trenches so my days are very full. I will continue to be sporadic over the next couple of months so I ask for your patience.

Today I would like to share an Easter sermon with you. I have written before about my sweet friend Anne who went to live with Jesus almost a year ago. Throughout her battle with cancer, Anne chose joy! I think of Anne often. Whenever I am faced with any type of pain or loss... I remember Anne and I choose joy!

When you have a spare 30 minutes, listen to this beautiful Easter sermon from St. Mark's Church in Mebane, North Carolina. The Pastor shares to stories; one story is Anne's.

http://stmarks.lightcastmedia.com/console/3111/127165158

Be Blessed!

LeAnn

Another Year, Another Tear

Ron died 12 years ago today. I can remember the day as if it was yesterday. I remember the details, the time, who was at the house... and I remember the pain in my gut and the catch in my throat as I held back the tears. I have to admit that, while this was absolutely the most painful day of my life, the day also brought some relief.

You see - my precious husband died a few weeks before his body did. I had been in mourning since the moment we realized that cancer was winning the battle and Ron would not survive. When he was still able to communicate, I was able to say everything that I wanted to say. I am grateful for that time. Ron knew how very much he was loved.

Ron's body lay in the living room in a hospital bed that hospice had brought in. They set up a morphine drip that I could control. With any sign of agitation, I upped the dose. It's not like he could become an addict so I figured... just keep him out of pain. The last thing that you want is for someone that you love to be in pain. I just wanted him to be at peace. His mind was gone. His memories were gone. Now I was just waiting for his body to give in.

I monitored him every moment of every day. I slept semi-sitting in a loveseat that I set right beside his bed. My mom and my sister-in-law, Kris, kept Nick with them as much as possible. I didn't want his memories of his dad to be memories of those last weeks. Hospice came in a few times a week so I was able to take a shower and a nap and spend some time with Nick before someone came to pick him up.

The day before Ron died his parents came to stay. They didn't live that far away so they could come and go as they wanted but this time they wanted to stay. We all knew that the end was near and they wanted to stay next to his bed at night and hold his hand.

For the first time in weeks, I was able to sleep in our bed. I was physically and emotionally exhausted and I was asleep the moment my head hit the pillow. I slept a full night but when I woke in the morning, I knew that this would be the day.

Because Ron's parents were there, I was able to take a shower and get dressed and then drive Nick to his gymnastics class where we would meet up with his cousins and my sister-in-law. Kris would be taking Nick home with her for the weekend. Before we left, I sat with Ron and told him that he didn't need to hang on any more. I assured him that we would be OK. Ron was mostly unresponsive but I had a feeling that he understood and was just waiting to go until he felt that everyone would be OK. I talked to Nick and told him that we needed to let daddy go to heaven. Nick was only three. He leaned close to Ron's face and said, "It's time for you to go live with the angels, Daddy." He kissed him on the cheek and then placed a Winnie-the-Pooh sticker on Ron's forehead.

Before Nick and I left, I shared my thoughts with Ron's parents and asked them to say goodbye. Ron's uncle was flying in that day and would arrive shortly. Even in Ron's "barely there" state, I think he new that Uncle Rick was coming.

About a half an hour after arriving at gymnastics, my mother walked in. She didn't have to say anything. I knew. Ron's parents had called her so that she would come and tell me in person. Nick went home with Kris and his cousins and I drove home. Ron's parents met me outside and handed me his wedding ring. Ron had died shortly after Uncle Rick had arrived. He waited for each of us to say goodbye and then he smiled as he took his last breath.

The rest of the day was bizarre. If you have lived through this, you know exactly what I'm talking about. I am very grateful for hospice and for our families and friends that stayed to "take care of things" for me. Calls were made and closets were cleaned out. All signs of cancer and medicine were removed from the house. The funeral home sent someone to pick up Ron's body. They zipped him up in a black bag. I remember my father-in-law trying to keep me out of the living room. He watched as Ron's body was prepared but he didn't want me to have to see it so he protected me by sending people to keep me occupied in another room.

Ron was taken away naked with a Winnie-the-Pooh sticker on his forehead. Someone told them to remove the sticker but I forbid it.

I think I'll end here. I will share about my first night alone in the house at another time. I've shed enough tears for today. These are tears of sadness and some of relief because he was no longer in pain. Next time... I promise to share my tears of joy!

Sweet Blessings,
LeAnn

New Life!

We've gotten through another holiday, my friends. As soon as my feet touched the floor yesterday morning, I began praying for you. The holidays are just plain rough! However... Easter carries with it the promise of New Life and that is something to celebrate! As believers, we know that we will rise again. This life on earth is only temporary. What awaits us is more than we can ever imagine.

During our Easter service yesterday, our pastor offered a "Resurrection Prayer" at the end of his sermon and I wanted to share it with you today:

Almighty God, I want more power in my life and I'm coming to realize that this power... and hope... and promise begins with confessions - confession that MY sins are what has carved a separation between me and you. Gracious Lord, on this resurrection day, I commit to turn from my sins and turn to You. Gentle Jesus, on this resurrection day, I invite you to come into my heart

(choose one)
for the first time
more fully
more powerfully
more abundantly

Through the Holy Spirit, I invite you to take greater control of my life and give me the promised power, peace, hope, and joy. Amen

I was so overwhelmed by this invitation that I wept from the moment I prayed the prayer through the end of the service. As I walked up to receive Communion, I prayed through tears for those who invited Jesus into their heart for the very first time.

If you do not know Jesus as your Lord and Savior, please visit this page:

Do You Know Jesus?

My sweet friends, there is hope in Jesus. He is what gets us through each day. He gives us a reason to smile. He gives us joy and peace and power. He is The Way, The Truth, and The Life... forever and ever!

Sweet Blessings,
LeAnn

Yummy Memories!

I just posted on my other blog about some of the meals that I remember from my childhood. (Read the post here) This led to a conversation with my Proverbs 31 Ministries sisters during lunch today. We shared some of the meals that our moms made for us and we talked about the meals we make for our kids. We also talked about missing those recipes that our moms and grandmothers made for us.

Melissa's mom has stage 4 lung cancer. Melissa spends as much time with her as she can, enjoying laughing and sharing memories together. Yesterday her mom pulled out her recipes and Melissa listened as her mom commented on some of them. This made me think about the special meals that my grandmothers made and how sad I am that I only have a few of their recipes.

Those of us who have lost a loved one treasure our memories. Many of my memories are tied to a smell or, in the case of my grandmothers, to certain meals. It's not just about the actual food - it's about the memories attached to the food. It's about how happy they were to see the enjoyment on my face as I took that first bite of the meal they prepared with so much love. It's about the company, the conversations, and the laughter that surrounded the meals.

Every year on Ron's birthday, I prepare one of his favorite meals (or at least part of it - since Nick doesn't like it). Ron loved my grilled chicken and mushroom lasagna and German chocolate cake! The grin that spread across his face and the twinkle in his eye when I made this meal on his birthday is something I will never forget and the memory brings a smile to my face even now.

I encourage you to celebrate the memory of a loved one with your family by preparing a favorite meal, like I do on Ron's birthday. Nick and I laugh as I share silly stories about his dad as we eat the meal. Instead of spending Ron's birthday being sad because he is no longer with us, we spend it celebrating his life.

Here's another thought...

Do you have an elderly parent, aunt, grandmother that holds treasured recipes? If you do, how about putting together a cookbook/scrapbook with the recipes, some photos, and personal notes. Have them help you put this together, including their own memories of special occasions or silly stories. If you have recipes in their own handwriting... all the better! Make copies and include them. Make sure you make a book for everyone. What an amazing gift this will make for all members of the family and what a great way to pass along the recipes and stories to your children and their children...

Include your holiday traditions in your book. What a great way to pass these traditions on to future generations.

This type of book would also make a great wedding gift for a new daughter-in-law. Not long after my brothers were married, I put together a cookbook that included some of our family recipes. You know... mom's meatloaf (because everyone else's meatloaf is awful), Granddaddy's chili, and the recipes for all the Christmas cookies mom made every year. My brothers were as excited as their wives to have these recipes. Honestly, I don't know if my brother, Brett, could get through the holidays without mom's famous cherry bars!

My sweet friends, putting together a book of recipes, photos, and stories is a wonderful way to spend time with those you love, remember those you have lost, and keep memories alive for future generations.

I'm suddenly craving mom's meatloaf. Her secret ingredient... Rice Krispies! Strange but true!

Sweet Blessings,
LeAnn

The Good, The Bad , and the Just Plain Gross!

Ya'll... there are actually some days that I am glad that no one is sleeping next to me at night! I have had the crud for the past week now and about the only thing that would make me feel any worse is knowing that someone I loved had to look at me or smell me in this condition! Seriously!!!!

There is snot dripping out of my nose... constantly.

The only thing I have been able to stomach for several days is Ginger Ale so when I cough... I fart.

When I cough, it sounds like I am hacking up a lung... or at the very least a fur ball.

My eyes are puffy, my lips are chapped, and I have blown my nose so many times that it is crusty and peeling... looking very much like crusty boogers!

I wake up in the middle of the night with cough drop drool pooling on my pillow.

If I don't have a tissue handy when I feel a sneeze coming on... it's best to run for cover 'cause part of my brain may come spewing out.

I'm pretty sure even Shrek would be grossed out at this point!

If you are wondering about "The Good" it's that it seems my condition is improving and I may in fact live after all. It was touch and go for a while but... I'm on the mend and able to laugh at the grossness!

I pray that the crud has not spread to your home but, if it has, I pray you find the humor in it!

Drippy Blessings,
LeAnn

Care for the Caregiver

Someone that I love very much is in pain. Her mother, Becky, has advanced stage 4 cancer. Becky is in a great deal of physical pain and has started losing control of her own body.

I remember all to well the feelings of helplessness as I watched my husband fade away from me, losing his memory, his ability to reason, and then his ability to walk, speak, and control bodily functions. If you have lived through this, you know what I'm talking about. It is simply one of the worst things imaginable... watching someone you love so dearly slip slowly and painfully away.

Listening to my friend, Melissa, talk about her mother and her mother's husband, I am reminded of my own feelings as Ron's "caregiver." Friends, caregivers need care! Melissa could hear the stress in her mother's husband's voice. She could hear that he was about to break and this compelled her to drop everything and rescue him. Yes, this is her mother and of course she wants to help care for her. However, as I suspect many of you have experienced, many times the one who is sick doesn't want help. They feel guilty... they don't want to be a burden.

This is a rough place to be and there is no perfect solution. You want to respect the person's wishes and their feelings but, it's important that they understand your feelings as well. Here are a few suggestions based on my experience:

Like my friend, Melissa... don't take "no" for an answer. Trust me - if you aren't there for them now, you will regret it later. Express your feelings. Let them know that they are not a burden and that it is a blessing to you that you are able to care for them. Tell them that you couldn't imagine being any place else.

Treasure this time! Time spent together sharing your heart and caring for someone you love is never wasted.

If you are visiting someone who is chronically or terminally ill, bring something for the person's caregiver when you visit. Don't overlook them. They need your prayers and support too. (Don't forget those caring for aging parents!)

Give a caregiver a break! I remember how difficult it was to take a shower or a nap. If someone didn't come to help, I simply couldn't bath or sleep. If Ron was left unattended, he pulled his IVs out of his arm so I never left his side. When you combine your emotional pain with exhaustion and frustration, you are an explosion waiting to happen.

I hope my friend Melissa is a reminder that the caregiver needs care too. If someone in your life is caring for someone right now, pray about what you can do to care for them.

Blessings,
LeAnn

The Little Things

How many of us spend so much time waiting for the big things that we don't even notice the little blessings that occur each day? I know I've been guilty of this!

During the first months after Ron died it was all I could do to get through each day. I was on auto-pilot most of the time. I did just what needed to get done and spent the rest of my time pretending that everything was OK. That, in itself, was exhausting!

Here's what I learned... and continue to learn...

God is there all the time.

No matter what.

In all things.

In good times and in bad.

We just have to look for Him.

We have to notice and be grateful for the little blessings.

The ones that take place in extraordinary ways in the midst of our ordinary days.

If we are too distracted by what's going wrong in our lives, we may miss the extraordinary! If we are too busy pretending that life is OK when deep down we are not OK, we may miss His presence in our lives.

I NEVER want to miss His presence in my life.

I NEVER want to be so busy that I miss the extraordinary.

I NEVER want to be so consumed with waiting for the big miracle, that I miss the little miracles... the little miracles that He spoon feeds to us to keep us going and to keep us mindful of His presence.

I was mindful of His presence last week when I went to get my hair colored (not in my budget) without knowing the cost and the gal looked at me and said, "I read your article in the P31 Woman magazine. I didn't know you were a single-mom. Why don't you tell me what you can afford and that's what my services will cost from now on."

I was mindful of His presence when this same gal told me she needed 20 Bibles for the inner-city youth she and her husband work with and, on that same day, we received a donation that would cover the cost of the Bibles.

I was mindful of His presence when He told me to take off my favorite necklace and give it to a woman in my Sunday School class. I found out the next day that she had been dealing with issues of unworthiness. God showed her that she was worthy by giving her something beautiful.

My friends, don't miss an opportunity to feel His presence in your day-to-day lives. He is there in the midst of our ordinary days... He carries us on our not-so-good days and knocks our socks off when we open our hearts to His goodness and mercy.

How has God revealed Himself to you lately?

Sweet Blessings,
LeAnn

Happy Valentine's Day?!

My sweet, patient friends. It has been a whole month since I posted on this blog! I don't know where the time goes. My schedule has just been too full. In fact... I haven't even had time to take down my Christmas decorations! That is my priority for this weekend. I did manage to get the tree out of the house around the first of the year. It was a live tree so I figured it would become a fire hazard if it sat around inside!

Valentine's day is this weekend. What an awful holiday for us! Instead of dwelling on the fact that our loves currently have a different address (smile), let's focus on our Greatest Love - the Passionate Pursuer of our hearts...

I know everything about you.
(Psalm 139:1)

In Me you live and move and have your being.
(Acts 17:28)

I CHOSE you when I planned creation.
(Ephesians 1:11-12)

You are fearfully and wonderfully made.
(Psalm 139:14)

I am not distant and angry, but am the complete expression of love.
(1 John 4:16)

It is My desire to lavish My love on you.
(1 John 3:1)

My plan for your future has always been filled with hope.
(Jeremiah 29:11)

Because I love you with an everlasting love.
(Jeremiah 31:3)

I rejoice over you with singing.
(Zephaniah 3:17)

For you are My treasured possession.
(Exodus 19:5)

I desire to establish you with all My heart and all My soul.
(Jeremiah 32:41)

If you seek Me with all your heart, you will find Me.
(Deuteronomy 4:29)

Delight in Me and I will give you the desires of your heart.
(Psalm 37:4)

When you are brokenhearted, I am close to you.
(Psalm 34:18)

Nothing will ever separate you from My love!
(Romans 8:38-39)

My sweet friends, Valentine's Day is definitely NOT my favorite holiday but... I rejoice in God's amazing and overwhelming love for each of us and I pray that He will fill you with more love than your hearts can contain.

Sweet Blessings,
LeAnn

Poem for the New Year

I was doing some research for my women's Sunday School session this week and I came across a poem that I wanted to share with you. I would love to give credit to the author, but none was mentioned.

A New Year’s Prayer

May God make your year a happy one!
Not by shielding you from all sorrows and pain,
But by strengthening you to bear it, as it comes;
Not by making your path easy,
But by making you sturdy to travel any path;
Not by taking hardships from you,
But by taking fear from your heart;
Not by granting you unbroken sunshine,
But by keeping your face bright, even in the shadows;
Not by making your life always pleasant,
But by showing you when people and their causes need you most,
and by making you anxious to be there to help.
God’s love, peace, hope and joy to you for the year ahead.

Sweet Blessings,
LeAnn

I Survived New Year's Eve!

Well - I survived Christmas and the dreaded New Year's Eve! When I wasn't working, I spent much of my time in my jammies watching Christmas movies and working on my messages for an upcoming retreat.

Have you ever noticed how many Christmas movies are about a widow with a son? And have you noticed that there is always a perfect male character who, for some reason, has never married, is extremely handsome, is well-adjusted, has a steady income, a great sense of humor, is intelligent, etc? Sometimes he actually rides up on a horse!

Seriously! What's up with this?! I hate these movies and yet I find myself watching them every year. I don't know about your world but in mine... this scenario just isn't realistic. Oh... did I mention that the widow is always thin and gorgeous?!

I'm thinking of writing my own screenplay. First... the "heroine" will be a size 14 not a size 2! Her house won't be perfectly clean. Her child will have dirty clothes all over his floor and he won't have perfect little dimples in his cherubic face! She will struggle to be a good mom and to find quality time to spend with her child while having to work full time to pay the bills. She will accidentally put toothpaste on her face and benzoil peroxide on her toothbrush. Her child will argue with her and she will snap back at him. They will be late to school at least one day a week. She will cry herself to sleep at night.

Oh... when Mr. Perfect rides up on his horse... she recognizes that anyone that looks that good and has all his perfect qualities but has never married... is actually a Ted Bundy or a cross dresser!

I don't mean to be pessimistic but honestly, those movies are just a fantasy. They leave me, momentarily, thinking that this could happen to me. They create an unrealistic dream. I'm very briefly hopeful before I crash back to reality.

OK - be honest... have you ever sat through these movies and fought the urge to throw things at the television? What's your reality?

That's it for today. I have to go buy some fat jeans!

Sweet Blessings,
LeAnn