When Someone You Love is Dying

What a yucky blog title but... it is what it is. All of us will experience this type of loss at some point in our lives. It may be a member of your family or a close friend. In my case it was my husband... my best friend.

In previous posts I have shared how to help someone who is grieving but what about when you are living through it right now. What if someone you love has only months or weeks to live. What can you do? What can you say?

My sweet friend, Renee, called me earlier this week. A dear friend of hers has been battling cancer for quite some time and her doctors have now given her two weeks to live. Renee wanted to know how she could help her friend and what she could possibly say. If you are in this same situation, here are my thoughts:

First, if they are angry or depressed PLEASE do not try to talk them out of their anger or depression. They need their feelings to matter. Of course they are angry and/or depressed. Scream or cry with them. Aren't you just as angry... just as devastated?

Don't try to comfort them by saying, "it will be OK." No... it won't be OK. Things won't ever be OK again and saying that it will be will only minimize their feelings.

Depending on the situation, you may want to learn all you can about the disease and treatment. For me, the more I know, the better I can deal with what I am facing. I like knowing what I'm dealing with... no matter how difficult.

Know that this is a season and that you will get through it. It may not seem that way when you are in the midst of it but you will get through it and you will grow from it. Anytime someone touches your heart they become a part of you. This doesn't change after they are gone. In time you will forget the dying, and remember the life.

Don't try to be strong for them. They need to know that you are upset. Hiding your feelings will probably not have the affect you were hoping for. You may think that you are helping them by expressing "I'm OK - don't worry about me" by being strong but they will feel like you don't care.... that you don't hurt. They need to know that they matter and that you are hurting.

Don't say "I understand how you feel" to someone who is dying or to someone who has a loved one who is dying. No matter what you have personally experienced, you do not understand someone else's feelings. Feelings are personal and individual. They probably won't shout "no you don't" in anger... but that's probably how they will feel.

Remember that your husband, sister, mother, friend, etc. is the same person that they have always been. They are dying but they are no different. They are the same person. If they have always been soft spoken and quiet, they will probably continue to be soft spoken and quiet. They may not express anger. They may deal with this as they have dealt with everything else in their life - quietly. This goes for someone who is typically outspoken. They will likely deal with this by telling everyone exactly how they feel about it.

Also, don't change the way you interact with this person. Talk to them the way you have always talked to them. Changing your demeanor will only make them feel separated from you. They don't want your pity - They want you to be compassionate and there is a big difference.

Just be there for them. They are likely feeling very alone. Sitting with them and holding their hand or touching their arm is the best thing you can do for them. Tell them how much you love them and that you are there no matter what and in any capacity that they need.

If the person is in a place where they are ready to take care of things... be there to help. Offer your assistance. Help them think through what is important. If Hospice is not involved, I highly recommend contacting them. I don't know what I would have done if Hospice wasn't there to help me. Ron and I didn't even know what we had to get in order. Hospice will provide a list. They will even make phone calls for you. They will hold your hand through the entire process.

Help them justify their life on earth. Doesn't everyone want to know that they made a lasting contribution? Take every opportunity to share how they have made a difference in your life and in the lives of others.

If you aren't comfortable being around someone who is dying, or if you aren't comfortable being around the loved one of someone who is dying... do something practical for them. Offer to run errands, make phone calls, get papers in order, etc. God gave us different gifts but each gift is important and needed. You may not be good just sitting and listening but you may be very good at checking things off of a list. Use your gift to serve and care for those you love in the way that works for you and for them.

Ask for help... especially if you are the main caregiver. I remember so many people asking me if they could help but I was too overwhelmed to think about what kind of help I needed. I also felt as if they were offering only to be nice. Don't be proud! Ask for help! So many people are waiting for you to ask. They need to "do something" so let them. It will help them and it will help you.

Listen to them. If they want to talk about their feelings, their fears, their regrets, their hopes for the children or spouse they are leaving behind... listen.

And lastly, but most importantly, pray with them and for them.

I hope that these thoughts are helpful but I do want to add a disclaimer. As I have said, everyone is different. We all react differently in these situations and there are no perfect answers when you are faced with this type of devastation. These are simply my own thoughts and feelings. Please consider them only as a place to start and go with your heart.

In Christ's Love,
LeAnn

A BIG and ESSENTIAL P.S. When I posted this yesterday I made a huge mistake. I wrote with the assumption that the person was saved. I woke up in the middle of the night last night with this weighing on my heart. So this morning I MUST add this P.S. Please... if the person you love does not have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, introduce Him! If you don't know what to say, here's a link to Proverbs 31 Ministries "Do You Know Jesus" page.