Ron died but life had to go on. Nick was just three years old and he needed my full attention. I couldn't be 50% of a mom so I quickly got my act together and went on with the day-to-day "normal" activities of life. You know... laundry, grocery shopping, caring for my sweet little boy, eating, sleeping, and taking out the trash. From all appearances, everyone thought I was doing well. But... appearances are usually deceiving.
As I went about my daily activities, I found myself "forgetting" that Ron had died. I shopped for him, fixed my hair and makeup for him and made his favorite meals. Seriously! I would go to the grocery store and purchase enough chicken breasts so that we would have enough for dinner and leftovers. Sometimes the reality of what I had done hit me before I actually cooked the chicken the way he liked it. Sometimes not until after. Once I even bought him a new shirt! Well... it was his color.
This crazy behavior went on for a couple of months. I was afraid to let anyone know what was going on because I thought they might think I had lost my mind and lock me up. Quite honestly, I was concerned about my sanity. Every time I did something "foolish" I burst into tears as soon as I realized what I had done.
When your lifemate dies, it can cause you to question your identity and your purpose. It's not that I changed who I was, what I believed, or what was important to me. It's not as if Ron asked me to change. It's just that this is what naturally happens when you marry. You become a couple and so much of who you are is wrapped up in that. It took me a while to recreate who I was and to stop shopping for my other half.
Has your situation or your grief caused you to do anything "crazy?" I'd love to hear about it. It makes me feel better to know that I'm not in the only one that's a pea short of a pod!
Sweet Blessings,
LeAnn
Friday, December 5, 2008
One Pea Short of a Pod!
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12 comments:
LeAnn, you are not alone there at all.I also shopped for food G liked and forgot he wasn't around to eat it, and I too had to get back to "normal" as soon as possible because I had a son who needed me to be normal. He was in his final few years at school, and I needed him to be 17, and not try to be a man. 2 years down the line, and I have still not had the time to grieve, but the son is now at University. Mission #1 accomplished.
Loads of small things - buying a paper only he read, cooking meals only he liked....
You girls were much nicer than I was. I tried to do everything the opposite of what Ed did. He loved popcorn popped in grease on the stove top and he popped it 3 or 4 times a week. I couldn't bring myself to pop it like that so I only ate microwave pop corn for 2 years.
Thanks for the post LeAnn. Its so easy to laugh at the quirky things we did in our grief when we are laughing with others who share that bond with us. I guess its because we know they are laughing with us and not at us.
Luanne
Well ladies my husband hasn't died he just left. I don't think that I have done anything crazy yet, but I have cried more than I ever have. The hardest part for me is that we live on a farm in a home we built together. A couple years ago we built two story game room for our three sons. That way they would have a place to hang with their friends and play with the bands and so forth. Anyway that is where my husband went to live. So he still comes in and out of the house to see the boys and do laundry. I can't leave because I don't have an income and can't work due to disabilities. So I am here daily seeing a man who after 24 years no longer loves me. It is really hard to deal with on a daily basis. I know that God understands, but it still hurts.
Thanks for sharing and listening,
Diane
I'm still happily married, so maybe I shouldn't post.
I understand about the food issue. When my first boy left for college, I did the same thing. When the second one left for college, it was an easier adjustment. It really applied to everything I did though, not just the food.
Just reading this makes me appreciate my husband more. Sometimes I just want things "my" way and his little differences get on my nerves, but reading this blog puts things in a better perspective for me. Thankyou for that.
Thanks for the smile, LeAnn,
This is my one year mark (one week before Christmas) and I'm suddenly not doing well at all.
So it's nice to smile.
Janine
Great article. You did a good job with a sensitive subject.
I've never been married but a couple years ago I started dating a guy right after Thanksgiving. We saw each other every day. We hit a rough patch and I was sure we would get back together. He died unexpectedly from a brain aneurysm. It was hard.
He use to shovel my snow for me. He worked the night shift and would show up right after work to shovel it. I felt so cared for. Now, whenever it snows i feel a bit sad and melancholy.
The strangest things bring him to mind. I still have his phone number in my cell phone. How crazy is that? I guess I still miss him.
Thanks for sharing.
Hi LeAnn,
Chatty Kelly lead me to your blog. I just lost my husband of 19 years Sept. 10th. He had cancer and died of pneumonia. He has been battling it for over 13 years. He was 53. He had 4 reoccurencs of cancer. I miss him and I am so lost without him. I feel like a stranger in my own home and I don't know what to do with myself. I by way to many groceries. The freezer is packed but I keep right on buying and I never cook! My kids live in town on their own. This past week I am so weepy, I'm ok at work,but once I get home, I just cry so easily. I will have to spend some time reading your old posts. I am so glad I found this blog, thanks to Kelly!
Tom and I used to call each other on our cell phones several times a day. We always had an upbeat way of answering the phone with a smile and a, "Hi, Hon!", excited to hear the latest little incident in our day we just couldn't wait to share with each other.
For almost a year after Tom died, I found myself reaching for the phone to call him, just dying to share with him something that one of the boys did, or something a friend had shared with me, or a silly thing I saw while driving on the road.
Friends can't replace that loss in your life. You can't get that level of intimacy easily. I have to share it all with Him now.
I actually allowed myself, ten months after Tom died, in a noisy amusement park, to have a "conversation" with Tom on my cell phone. The noise all around me made it safe to speak words into my phone as if Tom were on the other line. If felt so nice. By the end of the conversation, I realized it wasn't Tom I was speaking to anymore, it was the Lord Almighty.
I dye everyday to the desire for having a physical husband. The Lord Jesus takes that position, and I simply flip it. Rather than feeling like a victim, I choose to feel honored. My Husband is the King Most High. Widows have an honored position if we choose to lean on our true Husband.
I simply trust and obey. He takes care of the rest.
Reading all your comments made me sad and happy at the same time; knowing you all turn to God for the comfort of a loving husband.
My husband did not die, but he left us when our youngest child was only two-week-old. I remembered walking with my youngest child who just turned two-year-old and I felt so alone and lonely. I told God I wanted Him to hold my hand right at that moment just to let me know He really cares for me. My daughter reached out to my hand and I felt God held my hand for such a special bonding. It was and is so amazing the way He provided and provides for my family. My oldest son is turning 13 and the second one will turn eight-year-old in February, and my daughter the youngest is turning six in March.
I am a single full-time mom/student and am currently taking a five year course; in my first year to finish the Bachelor of Education with three children in my care. I do not know how I am going to manage without God. Sometimes I feel so crazy having an imaginary (godly) husband talking to me and sharing my life with. It is very challenging and I fully trust God, because He knows and sees the big picture.
Every time I go to the store I want tog o to the men' section to buy him new clothes... he loved new clothes. And I loved to shop for clothes for him.
also it was very hard not to buy him gatorade when I went to the grocery store.
I can relate... for the most part essecially right after the breakup (hear again I know this doesn't compair to your loss, but I can understand the feelings) No one would have ever guessed that I was falling apart any and every moment I was alone. I looked as if I didn't even care that my 7yr relationship and 5 month engagment had just ended...It was so abrupt! What no one seem to realize was I was in shock...it took months for me to show anyone what was going on inside. What hurts the most is we were such good friends but he wants absolutely nothing to do with me...so it feels as if he is dead.
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