Today would have been my 19th anniversary. I can honestly say that Ron and I haven't had a single disagreement in the last 11 years (smile). The only issue that I would like to disagree with is his change of address. I know it's selfish of me to want him to have stayed here with me so that we could have grown old together. I try my best to be happy for him. After all - he's no longer in any pain; he's not hooked up to any IVs; he doesn't have to worry about the cost of gasoline; he doesn't have to worry about getting wrinkles and a round tummy... He is perfect in every way and gloriously happy and I focus on that 99% of the time. It's that remaining 1% that gets me into trouble!
I'm sure that life doesn't turn out the way any of us think it will. In my case, I thought that Ron and I would have more children and that we would raise our family together with lots of laughter and lots of adventures. After the children graduated from college, solved world hunger, found a cure for cancer, earned their first million as well as various Nobel prizes (OK - all parents dream big and know that their children are brilliant) Ron and I would retire and begin traveling the world (which our brilliant children would finance). But, Ron died when our only child was just three years old and I became a single mom.
BUT GOD (two of my favorite words) has been with us every step of the way and through faith and hope (and lots of friends) we have found ways to make the best of our situation. Letting go of my dreams made room for God to fulfill me in ways that I never dreamed possible. Setting my plans aside made room for God's plans for my life and His are so much grander than anything I could have come up with!
Today is one of the difficult days that make up that 1% of the time that I struggle to be happy for Ron but... as an anniversary gift to Ron, today I am making the choice not to mourn what was lost but to celebrate was found.
My friends, I pray that you know God's presence as each new layer of grief is uncovered, and each new milestone and significant date passes. Letting go will allow Him to fill you and to provide for ALL your needs.
"And the same God who takes care of me will supply all your needs from his glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:19) (NLT)Sweet Blessings,
LeAnn
3 comments:
Happy Anniversary LeAnn,
It is never easy looking at the might have beens. Keith and I would have been together 23 years this year. Although he is still here on earth, I am no longer able to touch him and know that he left me. It hurts in a different way knowing the one that you committed your life with and had children with, doesn't want you anymore. But God, I love those words as well, knows and He is collecting my tears. He will direct me in the next right path.
I am holding you tight in prayer today and praising that Ron is pain and tube free. He is waiting for you at the Father's throne.
diane
Happy Anniversary LeAnn,
Hope your memories today will be sweet and joyful.
Sometimes God makes us laugh right in the midst of our sadness. I posted about something that happened in the midst of my Thanksgiving melt down. I was certain I wouldn't be having one this year but I did. Gods caring touched me in a special way thru it and I hope he will touch your heart today as well.
Luanne
That's funny because my mom and dad fought quite a bit more in the two years after he died than they did in the two years he fought with cancer. It went something like this:
"Why did you have to leave me? I know you're happy, whole, and well, but I'm lonely, depressed, and less-than."
No answer.
"Why won't you answer me?!?!"
To be honest, this quirk extends beyond the spousal relationship, though in a much different way. I called my dad several times after he died, quite expecting an answer. I emailed him, too; sometimes I knew it was going nowhere but I had such a yearning to connect with him I couldn't help it.
Your blog is beautiful. We are approaching our 5th Christmas without dad, and I'm also grieving the loss of a little one we never met who would've been "showing" for our family pictures. Hearing from one who knows grief, albeit different, is like getting an application of healing balm.
Happy Anniversary and Merry Christmas
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