Blue Christmas

Getting through the holidays is much more difficult that getting through "normal" days. I would have preferred to pretend that it wasn't Christmas that first year after Ron died. But, television specials, Christmas songs, and decorations everywhere I went would have made it impossible to ignore the holiday even if I could. Nick was just a toddler when Ron died so I couldn't exactly skip Christmas. So, I went through the motions just like I thought I should.

That first year was definitely the hardest. I honestly don't remember how I got through except that I did it one day at a time. I tried not to think of all that would take place between Nick's birthday on November 2nd and New Year's Day. I just lived one day at a time. I didn't make a lot of holiday plans. I felt uncomfortable around other families who were celebrating. I just wanted to be left alone. Contrary to the old saying... misery does NOT love company.

As the years have passed, I have learned a little more with each holiday season. Here are a few tips for surviving the holidays after the loss of a loved one. If this is your first Christmas after your loss, I pray that these tips will help you get through December (and the dreaded New Year's Eve) better than I did.

1. Don't try to block your mind of your happy memories. It won't work and you will end up even more miserable that you think you will. Instead, look through photos of happy times and celebrate your wonderful memories. If you have a large family, have family members and friends tell funny stories about your loved one. You may not be able to imagine it but... I promise that you will laugh together. I also promise that you will cry but it will be a good cry.

2. Find a special candle and light it during the holidays to remember. The warmth of the glow of the candle will be comforting and it is a physical reminder that your loved one is always with you. I have a special candle for Ron that I keep in my bedroom. I made sure to purchase a very large candle and I don't light it all the time... just on special occasions so it will last. I also placed it in a large hurricane votive so that it is very pretty and protected.

3. If you do not have small children or grandchildren, don't feel pressured to go all out with Christmas decorations if you don't want to. It is perfectly reasonable to have a simple nativity scene as a reminder of the season.

4. If you think that your traditional ways of celebrating the holidays will be painful, do things differently. You should discuss this with other family members and make the decision together. One idea is to leave town! Go somewhere that you have never been before and create a new memory. It may be comforting to you and/or to your family to keep your family traditions. If so... go for it. But, if you think it will make the holidays harder to get through, you should not keep with your traditions. You may decide to keep one tradition the same but change others. You decide what works best for you and your family. Maybe start a few new traditions to add to your old ones?

5. Pour yourself and your grief into someone who needs you. I have found that doing for someone else helps take the focus off of my own pain. There is always someone else who is hurting physically, emotionally, financially, spiritually, etc. Find a need that fits your gifts and pour yourself into them. A friend of mine visited our office yesterday. She lost her son in a tragic accident about eight years ago. Christmas is very hard for her. She keeps herself busy by making little goodie bags and delivering them to others. She is channeling her energy into something positive and it is helping her get through a difficult time.

6. Hang a special ornament on your tree in memory of your loved one. After Ron and I were married, a friend of my in-laws painted a beautiful ornament with a church-snow scene. On the back it has our names and our wedding date. This is one of my most prized ornaments and it always takes it's place front and center on my tree each year.

7. Instead of dealing with the crowds of holiday shoppers and having to get through decorated stores and crowds of happy families and couples shopping hand-in-hand, order online or just give gift cards. Don't put yourself through it!

8. Donate the money you would have spent on a gift for your loved one to a charity that was significant to them. Give the gift in their memory.

9. Hang a stocking for your loved one. Ask visiting friends and family to write notes about him or her and place them in the stocking for you to read when you are up to it.

10. Take care of yourself! Get outside and get fresh air. Don't hibernate. Eat healthy snacks. You may not feel up to big holiday meals but keep yourself healthy by eating small snacks throughout the day. Exercise - even if it's just a short walk. Clear air, movement, sunshine, and a little protein will help you feel better about yourself and your situation. Sitting alone inside a dark house because you just want to escape is not good for you and will probably push you into a deep depression. I know it's hard to think about taking care of yourself when you just want to crawl under the covers and cry but at least try. It really will make you feel a bit better.

11. I know what I just said in number 10 but... it is also OK to crawl under the covers and cry. Just don't stay there all day. Cry your eyes out and then go for a walk. Try a different environment for a new perspective.

12. Be prepared! Memories will come on like a flood and overwhelm you. Know that something like hanging a particular ornament on the tree or a special song will trigger the flood. Know that it is coming so that it doesn't catch you off guard. And... know that this is normal. Don't beat yourself up or start feeling like you shouldn't be so upset over something so silly. Your feelings are real and never silly. Go with it... and then let it go.

13. Don't go to any New Year's Eve parties or even have people over. In my case - I went to bed before the stroke of midnight and just pretended it was like any other day. The last thing I wanted was to be around happy couples kissing at the stroke of midnight or seeing them on one of the television specials.

14. Be honest about your feelings and what makes things easier or more difficult for you when you are talking to friends and family members. They will be worried about you and may want to force you to participate in their festivities to keep you occupied or distracted. Tell them how you feel. Let them know that you appreciate their efforts. Accept invitations if you feel up to it. But don't feel guilty if you aren't up to it and be honest about those feelings with anyone extending an invitation. Maybe offer an alternative like going out to a movie (less talking involved).

If this is your first holiday season after the loss of a loved one I can assure you that subsequent years won't be as hard. After 11 years without Ron, I still miss him and wish he was here. I still cry just a little when a certain song comes on the radio. I just cry a little less each year.

I pray that these tips will help you cope through this difficult time.

I encourage you to spend time with Jesus - He is the gift of hope for us all and the promise of eternal life with those we hold dear.

Sweet Blessings,
LeAnn

Celebrating Anne

My sweet friend, Anne Belk, went to live with Jesus in August. (Read related post) Tomorrow would have been Anne's birthday. In honor of her birthday, Wendy Pope has written a beautiful devotion celebrating Anne and the impact she had on others. (Read the devotion)

Anne lived her life for Jesus. Nothing made her happier than leading others to Christ. Her devotion to her Lord and Savior inspired Wendy's devotion in honor of Anne.

My friends...

Please read the devotion.

Please pray that many will come to know Jesus through Anne's devotion.

Please forward the devotion to your friends and family.

Please pray for Anne's family. Her husband and children are grieving the loss of the heart of their home. They celebrate her new residence, but miss her terribly.

Sweet Blessings,
LeAnn

Changes

When someone you love has died, the holidays will never again be the same. Anniversaries, birthdays, Valentine's Day, Christmas and other special occasions bring with them a renewed sense of loss. Ron died 11 years ago. The "firsts" were extremely difficult and very painful. But, even now, his absence is magnified during special occasions. There are days when I could easily be tempted to boycott all holidays.

Do you feel this way? Would you like to sweep Christmas under the rug this year? You can certainly celebrate the gift of Christ without a tree filled with ornaments, a pile of Christmas cookies and a wreath on your door. If you don't have children or grandchildren that you need to "put on a good act for," consider just placing a nativity scene in a prominent location and focus your attention on the hope that Jesus brings.

I would love to tell you that this will "fix" your holiday and make it less painful but I would be lying. Christmas is going to hurt. There are, however, ways to get through.

First and foremost... rely on God. In Him you will find strength. Allow Him to carry you through the difficult days. Keep your mind focused on Jesus and the hope and peace that He brings. And allow yourself to cry. Don't try to be brave for those around you. Grief has no timetable. If this is your first, second, or even your tenth Christmas without a loved one, whatever you feel is real and you need to just go with it.

I have found that pouring myself into someone else takes the focus off of my grief and helps me get through the holiday season. I can bring Christmas to a shut-in, write Christmas cards for someone who can no longer write, shop for a neighbor who is homebound, serve dinner at a shelter, etc. Turning my attention to someone elses hardship gives me a sense of purpose.

If you have children or grandchildren to consider, you may want to continue your holiday traditions... just tweak them a little bit. Family traditions provide children with a sense of security in a world full of changes. A loss is a significant change. Continuing with family traditions, even if you alter them a bit, helps them feel secure.

You can also start some new traditions like keeping a special candle lit throughout the holidays in honor of your loved one. I have a couple of Christmas ornaments on my tree that people made after Ron died to honor his memory. I place them prominently front and center on my Christmas tree as a celebration of his life and the memories I have of our lives together.

I'll share some of our Christmas traditions later this week. In the meantime, I would love to hear if you created new traditions to honor someone that has died. We are in this together, my friends!

Sweet Blessings,
LeAnn

One Pea Short of a Pod!

Ron died but life had to go on. Nick was just three years old and he needed my full attention. I couldn't be 50% of a mom so I quickly got my act together and went on with the day-to-day "normal" activities of life. You know... laundry, grocery shopping, caring for my sweet little boy, eating, sleeping, and taking out the trash. From all appearances, everyone thought I was doing well. But... appearances are usually deceiving.

As I went about my daily activities, I found myself "forgetting" that Ron had died. I shopped for him, fixed my hair and makeup for him and made his favorite meals. Seriously! I would go to the grocery store and purchase enough chicken breasts so that we would have enough for dinner and leftovers. Sometimes the reality of what I had done hit me before I actually cooked the chicken the way he liked it. Sometimes not until after. Once I even bought him a new shirt! Well... it was his color.

This crazy behavior went on for a couple of months. I was afraid to let anyone know what was going on because I thought they might think I had lost my mind and lock me up. Quite honestly, I was concerned about my sanity. Every time I did something "foolish" I burst into tears as soon as I realized what I had done.

When your lifemate dies, it can cause you to question your identity and your purpose. It's not that I changed who I was, what I believed, or what was important to me. It's not as if Ron asked me to change. It's just that this is what naturally happens when you marry. You become a couple and so much of who you are is wrapped up in that. It took me a while to recreate who I was and to stop shopping for my other half.

Has your situation or your grief caused you to do anything "crazy?" I'd love to hear about it. It makes me feel better to know that I'm not in the only one that's a pea short of a pod!

Sweet Blessings,
LeAnn

Happy Anniversary

Today would have been my 19th anniversary. I can honestly say that Ron and I haven't had a single disagreement in the last 11 years (smile). The only issue that I would like to disagree with is his change of address. I know it's selfish of me to want him to have stayed here with me so that we could have grown old together. I try my best to be happy for him. After all - he's no longer in any pain; he's not hooked up to any IVs; he doesn't have to worry about the cost of gasoline; he doesn't have to worry about getting wrinkles and a round tummy... He is perfect in every way and gloriously happy and I focus on that 99% of the time. It's that remaining 1% that gets me into trouble!

I'm sure that life doesn't turn out the way any of us think it will. In my case, I thought that Ron and I would have more children and that we would raise our family together with lots of laughter and lots of adventures. After the children graduated from college, solved world hunger, found a cure for cancer, earned their first million as well as various Nobel prizes (OK - all parents dream big and know that their children are brilliant) Ron and I would retire and begin traveling the world (which our brilliant children would finance). But, Ron died when our only child was just three years old and I became a single mom.

BUT GOD (two of my favorite words) has been with us every step of the way and through faith and hope (and lots of friends) we have found ways to make the best of our situation. Letting go of my dreams made room for God to fulfill me in ways that I never dreamed possible. Setting my plans aside made room for God's plans for my life and His are so much grander than anything I could have come up with!

Today is one of the difficult days that make up that 1% of the time that I struggle to be happy for Ron but... as an anniversary gift to Ron, today I am making the choice not to mourn what was lost but to celebrate was found.

My friends, I pray that you know God's presence as each new layer of grief is uncovered, and each new milestone and significant date passes. Letting go will allow Him to fill you and to provide for ALL your needs.

"And the same God who takes care of me will supply all your needs from his glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:19) (NLT)

Sweet Blessings,
LeAnn

Filling in the Gaps with Grace

If you are visiting after reading my article "Filling in the Gaps with Grace" in the December issue of the P31 Woman magazine... welcome! It's great to have you visit. I hope that you will find hope and encouragement, as well as practical ideas.

If you didn't read the article and would like to, just click on the magazine image.


Throughout the month of December I will be sharing how Nick and I got through all of the "firsts" without Ron - the first Christmas, the first birthday, the first year, etc. I will also provide practical tips for creating new traditions, helping others who are grieving, menu and gift ideas, and lots more. I'm looking forward to spending this time with you and hope to hear from you as we get through this together!

Sweet Blessings,
LeAnn