Pit of Loneliness

I'm pretty sure this is the title of a sad country song. If not... it probably will be.

I really prayed long and hard about sharing this with you but, in the end, God said I had to so... here goes...

I am in a sad, lonely, dark pit at the moment. In the 12 years since Ron died, I have been in this place from time to time. Different things trigger the fall and I don't seem to have any control over it. I don't like being in the pit. I know it will end in a few days but that doesn't seem to make it any easier to take.

I haven't shared this before because I don't want the people who care about me to worry (or commit me to an institution). I feel as though I need to keep a smile on my face so everyone will think that I am just fine. But I'm not always just fine. Sometimes life hurts.

It's also hard being in ministry and feeling as though I would be letting everyone down if they knew that I didn't have my act together. Seriously... shouldn't Jesus be enough? Then I beat myself up for letting myself go to a place where I want more than Jesus. It's a downward spiral from there.

Here's the cold hard truth:

I am lonely!

I hate that I don't have someone who loves me waiting for me at the end of the day.

I hate that I can't crawl into bed at night and into my husbands arms.

I hate that I will grow old alone instead of with my best friend.

I hate that I can't pick up the phone and tell him good or bad news the moment it happens or just share my feelings.

I hate that I don't have a date for dinner and a movie... or anything.

I hate that I don't get included in lots of outings because I just don't fit. I'm too old for my younger single friends to include me and I'm not part of a couple like my older married friends.

I hate it that when I am included with my married friends, I feel like a third wheel.

I hate feeling like this is a life-sentence.

I hate it that I feel sorry for myself.

I hate it when others feel sorry for me.

I am dreading the day that Nick leaves for college because then I will be completely alone... with a cat! I'm going to be the crazy lady that everyone talks about!

I hate that I don't have a partner to do life with.

I cry so hard some nights that I can't breath, which means I can't go to sleep. I just lie there on my wet pillow and cry all night.

I hate that I can't tell anyone.

Anyone but you. I know you understand and that's why God MADE me share my heart today. I didn't want to. I am praying that my friends don't see this. They'll be extra nice and that will make it worse. (Go figure?)

Friends, if I am feeling this way then I am sure some of you are too. And, I hate that. I am swimming in a pit of despair and it hurts my heart more than I can say to know that some of you are in this same place. I am so sorry. I hope it helps you to know that you are not alone. I hope you don't lose faith in me. I promise I'll be smiling again very soon.

But in the meantime... I am giving myself permission to be sad.

A friend reminded me of something today... God's mercies are new every day. I'm going to hold on to that for now. For now, that will be enough.

Blessings,
LeAnn

For All Ages

Hey Friends!

Our ministry division for teen girls, Living with Purpose: A Radical Revolution, has focused on Heaven all week. Each post is awesome and, I think, appropriate for all ages. These young women ask great questions and have great insight. We should never ignore the next generation of influencers. They have much to teach us.

I contributed today's post called, "Glimpse of Heaven." While it was written for teen girls, I would love for all ages to read about my glimpse of Heaven. It's really just a teaser. One day I will take the time to describe everything I saw but I don't feel emotionally ready to go there right now. God will tell me when the time is right.

I am particularly honored that Kristen (the Next Generation Coordinator) asked me to write todays post as she wanted to use my experience as a springboard for providing the steps to salvation. Friends, if you do not know Jesus or if someone you love does not know Him, I implore you to visit www.RadRevolution.org today. If just one person comes to know Jesus today as a result of Kristen's efforts, my heart will sing with great joy!

In Christ's Love,
LeAnn

When Someone You Love is Dying

What a yucky blog title but... it is what it is. All of us will experience this type of loss at some point in our lives. It may be a member of your family or a close friend. In my case it was my husband... my best friend.

In previous posts I have shared how to help someone who is grieving but what about when you are living through it right now. What if someone you love has only months or weeks to live. What can you do? What can you say?

My sweet friend, Renee, called me earlier this week. A dear friend of hers has been battling cancer for quite some time and her doctors have now given her two weeks to live. Renee wanted to know how she could help her friend and what she could possibly say. If you are in this same situation, here are my thoughts:

First, if they are angry or depressed PLEASE do not try to talk them out of their anger or depression. They need their feelings to matter. Of course they are angry and/or depressed. Scream or cry with them. Aren't you just as angry... just as devastated?

Don't try to comfort them by saying, "it will be OK." No... it won't be OK. Things won't ever be OK again and saying that it will be will only minimize their feelings.

Depending on the situation, you may want to learn all you can about the disease and treatment. For me, the more I know, the better I can deal with what I am facing. I like knowing what I'm dealing with... no matter how difficult.

Know that this is a season and that you will get through it. It may not seem that way when you are in the midst of it but you will get through it and you will grow from it. Anytime someone touches your heart they become a part of you. This doesn't change after they are gone. In time you will forget the dying, and remember the life.

Don't try to be strong for them. They need to know that you are upset. Hiding your feelings will probably not have the affect you were hoping for. You may think that you are helping them by expressing "I'm OK - don't worry about me" by being strong but they will feel like you don't care.... that you don't hurt. They need to know that they matter and that you are hurting.

Don't say "I understand how you feel" to someone who is dying or to someone who has a loved one who is dying. No matter what you have personally experienced, you do not understand someone else's feelings. Feelings are personal and individual. They probably won't shout "no you don't" in anger... but that's probably how they will feel.

Remember that your husband, sister, mother, friend, etc. is the same person that they have always been. They are dying but they are no different. They are the same person. If they have always been soft spoken and quiet, they will probably continue to be soft spoken and quiet. They may not express anger. They may deal with this as they have dealt with everything else in their life - quietly. This goes for someone who is typically outspoken. They will likely deal with this by telling everyone exactly how they feel about it.

Also, don't change the way you interact with this person. Talk to them the way you have always talked to them. Changing your demeanor will only make them feel separated from you. They don't want your pity - They want you to be compassionate and there is a big difference.

Just be there for them. They are likely feeling very alone. Sitting with them and holding their hand or touching their arm is the best thing you can do for them. Tell them how much you love them and that you are there no matter what and in any capacity that they need.

If the person is in a place where they are ready to take care of things... be there to help. Offer your assistance. Help them think through what is important. If Hospice is not involved, I highly recommend contacting them. I don't know what I would have done if Hospice wasn't there to help me. Ron and I didn't even know what we had to get in order. Hospice will provide a list. They will even make phone calls for you. They will hold your hand through the entire process.

Help them justify their life on earth. Doesn't everyone want to know that they made a lasting contribution? Take every opportunity to share how they have made a difference in your life and in the lives of others.

If you aren't comfortable being around someone who is dying, or if you aren't comfortable being around the loved one of someone who is dying... do something practical for them. Offer to run errands, make phone calls, get papers in order, etc. God gave us different gifts but each gift is important and needed. You may not be good just sitting and listening but you may be very good at checking things off of a list. Use your gift to serve and care for those you love in the way that works for you and for them.

Ask for help... especially if you are the main caregiver. I remember so many people asking me if they could help but I was too overwhelmed to think about what kind of help I needed. I also felt as if they were offering only to be nice. Don't be proud! Ask for help! So many people are waiting for you to ask. They need to "do something" so let them. It will help them and it will help you.

Listen to them. If they want to talk about their feelings, their fears, their regrets, their hopes for the children or spouse they are leaving behind... listen.

And lastly, but most importantly, pray with them and for them.

I hope that these thoughts are helpful but I do want to add a disclaimer. As I have said, everyone is different. We all react differently in these situations and there are no perfect answers when you are faced with this type of devastation. These are simply my own thoughts and feelings. Please consider them only as a place to start and go with your heart.

In Christ's Love,
LeAnn

A BIG and ESSENTIAL P.S. When I posted this yesterday I made a huge mistake. I wrote with the assumption that the person was saved. I woke up in the middle of the night last night with this weighing on my heart. So this morning I MUST add this P.S. Please... if the person you love does not have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, introduce Him! If you don't know what to say, here's a link to Proverbs 31 Ministries "Do You Know Jesus" page.

A Season of Complications

Hi Friends!

I've been absent for a while but I'm back! It seems as though every moment of the past couple of months has been spent working on our annual She Speaks Conference. Now that the conference is over, I'm finding it difficult to get back on track and figure out what my "normal" daily routine is. (Like posting on my blogs!)

In the weeks leading up to the conference, and many times during the conference, women asked me what I would do when the conference was over. It was pretty much assumed that I would take a vacation... go somewhere to rest and recover. As a single mom... getting away isn't easy.

I discovered the "complications" of being a single parent before Ron died. Our son, Nick, was only three years old and Ron was too weak to do anything other than lie in the hospital bed we had in our living room. I certainly couldn't leave a three-year-old alone so I found it difficult to do the most basic daily tasks like taking out the garbage. We had a very long driveway. I couldn't drag the garbage out to the curb until Nick was in bed sleeping.

A quick trip to pick up milk at the store was no longer a quick trip. I had to pack up Nick (and his stuff) and buckle him into his car seat. Once we reached the store I had to get him out of the car and carry him inside with me. A simple 15-minute trip to the store became an exhausting chore.

Nick is now 15-years-old. He takes out the garbage (yeah!) and I can leave him home when I run out for milk (or, nowadays, it's "Mom, we're out of snacks!"). But... little excursions are still complicated.

A group of my bestest girlfriends are going away for a girls birthday celebration weekend in two weeks. As much as I would love to go and just be a girl for a few days, I can't leave Nick home alone. The other gals all have husbands at home with their kids. This is my season of complications. Even with a great support system of friends who are willing to take Nick for the weekend, it doesn't always work out (and Nick doesn't like having to stay with my friends - he would rather be in his own home).

Please don't get me wrong... I love spending time with Nick. That's not at all complicated. But sometimes, it sure would be nice to be able to get away for rest or for fun. In just a few years Nick will go away to college. I'm sure I will cry me a river when I leave him in a dorm room! But... it will be a new season for Nick and for me. A season of independence for both of us.

Blessings my friends!
LeAnn

Tell Me Again About Heaven

It's been almost a full month since my last post. We are in the final planning weeks of our annual She Speaks conference so my days are filled with conference details. I need to stay focused so I don't make any big mistakes... like mixing up the roommates or allowing men to register for the women's conference. (It could happen!) So, I'm not posting very regularly :(

I promise to share the ups and down's of my life with you again very soon... or in about 7 weeks. In the meantime, I am listening to Cheri Keaggy's latest CD and it is amazing. One of the songs particularly touched me and I'm sure it will strike a chord with you as well. Enjoy~

Tell Me Again About Heaven

Have you ever looked at the sky
And wished you had wings fit to fly
'Cause you'd like to be free high above the ground
Never coming down
Looks like the perfect day for a balloon ride
I've been dreaming
Of that someday by and by

Won't you tell me again about Heaven
When we'll all be there at the Throne
Lord, won't You take me to Heaven
I want to go home

Have you ever cried for want
'Cause you wanted something so bad
That you feel overwhelmed at the thought of it
Just to ponder it
Makes you feel happy-sad at the same time
It's a longing
I've been longing for so long

Won't you tell me again about Heaven
When we'll all be there at the Throne
Lord, won't You take me to Heaven
I want to go home

No nothing compares
To the joy that awaits us up there
When we'll be caught up in the air
And I can't wait for that day
Come take me away
I can't wait for that day
Come take me away

Won't you tell me again about Heaven
When we'll all be there at the Throne
Lord, won't You take me to Heaven
I want to go home

Tell me again about Heaven
The most beautiful place that I know
Even though I've never been there
I want to go home
I want to go home

My favorite line... "When we'll ALL be there at the Throne."

Friends, this is where our hope comes from. This is where we find joy. This is how we go on.

We will all be there at the Throne.

Thanks, Cheri, for putting my hope to music... so beautifully!

Sweet Blessings,
LeAnn

Choose Joy!

Hi Friends,

I'm sure you have noticed that I haven't posted in a while. I'm in the She Speaks trenches so my days are very full. I will continue to be sporadic over the next couple of months so I ask for your patience.

Today I would like to share an Easter sermon with you. I have written before about my sweet friend Anne who went to live with Jesus almost a year ago. Throughout her battle with cancer, Anne chose joy! I think of Anne often. Whenever I am faced with any type of pain or loss... I remember Anne and I choose joy!

When you have a spare 30 minutes, listen to this beautiful Easter sermon from St. Mark's Church in Mebane, North Carolina. The Pastor shares to stories; one story is Anne's.

http://stmarks.lightcastmedia.com/console/3111/127165158

Be Blessed!

LeAnn

Another Year, Another Tear

Ron died 12 years ago today. I can remember the day as if it was yesterday. I remember the details, the time, who was at the house... and I remember the pain in my gut and the catch in my throat as I held back the tears. I have to admit that, while this was absolutely the most painful day of my life, the day also brought some relief.

You see - my precious husband died a few weeks before his body did. I had been in mourning since the moment we realized that cancer was winning the battle and Ron would not survive. When he was still able to communicate, I was able to say everything that I wanted to say. I am grateful for that time. Ron knew how very much he was loved.

Ron's body lay in the living room in a hospital bed that hospice had brought in. They set up a morphine drip that I could control. With any sign of agitation, I upped the dose. It's not like he could become an addict so I figured... just keep him out of pain. The last thing that you want is for someone that you love to be in pain. I just wanted him to be at peace. His mind was gone. His memories were gone. Now I was just waiting for his body to give in.

I monitored him every moment of every day. I slept semi-sitting in a loveseat that I set right beside his bed. My mom and my sister-in-law, Kris, kept Nick with them as much as possible. I didn't want his memories of his dad to be memories of those last weeks. Hospice came in a few times a week so I was able to take a shower and a nap and spend some time with Nick before someone came to pick him up.

The day before Ron died his parents came to stay. They didn't live that far away so they could come and go as they wanted but this time they wanted to stay. We all knew that the end was near and they wanted to stay next to his bed at night and hold his hand.

For the first time in weeks, I was able to sleep in our bed. I was physically and emotionally exhausted and I was asleep the moment my head hit the pillow. I slept a full night but when I woke in the morning, I knew that this would be the day.

Because Ron's parents were there, I was able to take a shower and get dressed and then drive Nick to his gymnastics class where we would meet up with his cousins and my sister-in-law. Kris would be taking Nick home with her for the weekend. Before we left, I sat with Ron and told him that he didn't need to hang on any more. I assured him that we would be OK. Ron was mostly unresponsive but I had a feeling that he understood and was just waiting to go until he felt that everyone would be OK. I talked to Nick and told him that we needed to let daddy go to heaven. Nick was only three. He leaned close to Ron's face and said, "It's time for you to go live with the angels, Daddy." He kissed him on the cheek and then placed a Winnie-the-Pooh sticker on Ron's forehead.

Before Nick and I left, I shared my thoughts with Ron's parents and asked them to say goodbye. Ron's uncle was flying in that day and would arrive shortly. Even in Ron's "barely there" state, I think he new that Uncle Rick was coming.

About a half an hour after arriving at gymnastics, my mother walked in. She didn't have to say anything. I knew. Ron's parents had called her so that she would come and tell me in person. Nick went home with Kris and his cousins and I drove home. Ron's parents met me outside and handed me his wedding ring. Ron had died shortly after Uncle Rick had arrived. He waited for each of us to say goodbye and then he smiled as he took his last breath.

The rest of the day was bizarre. If you have lived through this, you know exactly what I'm talking about. I am very grateful for hospice and for our families and friends that stayed to "take care of things" for me. Calls were made and closets were cleaned out. All signs of cancer and medicine were removed from the house. The funeral home sent someone to pick up Ron's body. They zipped him up in a black bag. I remember my father-in-law trying to keep me out of the living room. He watched as Ron's body was prepared but he didn't want me to have to see it so he protected me by sending people to keep me occupied in another room.

Ron was taken away naked with a Winnie-the-Pooh sticker on his forehead. Someone told them to remove the sticker but I forbid it.

I think I'll end here. I will share about my first night alone in the house at another time. I've shed enough tears for today. These are tears of sadness and some of relief because he was no longer in pain. Next time... I promise to share my tears of joy!

Sweet Blessings,
LeAnn