I'm pretty sure this is the title of a sad country song. If not... it probably will be.
I really prayed long and hard about sharing this with you but, in the end, God said I had to so... here goes...
I am in a sad, lonely, dark pit at the moment. In the 12 years since Ron died, I have been in this place from time to time. Different things trigger the fall and I don't seem to have any control over it. I don't like being in the pit. I know it will end in a few days but that doesn't seem to make it any easier to take.
I haven't shared this before because I don't want the people who care about me to worry (or commit me to an institution). I feel as though I need to keep a smile on my face so everyone will think that I am just fine. But I'm not always just fine. Sometimes life hurts.
It's also hard being in ministry and feeling as though I would be letting everyone down if they knew that I didn't have my act together. Seriously... shouldn't Jesus be enough? Then I beat myself up for letting myself go to a place where I want more than Jesus. It's a downward spiral from there.
Here's the cold hard truth:
I am lonely!
I hate that I don't have someone who loves me waiting for me at the end of the day.
I hate that I can't crawl into bed at night and into my husbands arms.
I hate that I will grow old alone instead of with my best friend.
I hate that I can't pick up the phone and tell him good or bad news the moment it happens or just share my feelings.
I hate that I don't have a date for dinner and a movie... or anything.
I hate that I don't get included in lots of outings because I just don't fit. I'm too old for my younger single friends to include me and I'm not part of a couple like my older married friends.
I hate it that when I am included with my married friends, I feel like a third wheel.
I hate feeling like this is a life-sentence.
I hate it that I feel sorry for myself.
I hate it when others feel sorry for me.
I am dreading the day that Nick leaves for college because then I will be completely alone... with a cat! I'm going to be the crazy lady that everyone talks about!
I hate that I don't have a partner to do life with.
I cry so hard some nights that I can't breath, which means I can't go to sleep. I just lie there on my wet pillow and cry all night.
I hate that I can't tell anyone.
Anyone but you. I know you understand and that's why God MADE me share my heart today. I didn't want to. I am praying that my friends don't see this. They'll be extra nice and that will make it worse. (Go figure?)
Friends, if I am feeling this way then I am sure some of you are too. And, I hate that. I am swimming in a pit of despair and it hurts my heart more than I can say to know that some of you are in this same place. I am so sorry. I hope it helps you to know that you are not alone. I hope you don't lose faith in me. I promise I'll be smiling again very soon.
But in the meantime... I am giving myself permission to be sad.
A friend reminded me of something today... God's mercies are new every day. I'm going to hold on to that for now. For now, that will be enough.
Blessings,
LeAnn
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Pit of Loneliness
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44 comments:
Me too, LeAnn.
I understand.
Oh, LeAnn, I see why God had you on my heart and why I sent that e-mail last night. He alone knows what you need and will provide those new mercies until He brings you through the other side. There are no words that can fix this, I know. Just prayers and LOVE...LOVE...LOVE. You are so LOVED, my sweet friend. Our love, though, does not fill your nights, does fill your heart, does not warm your soul, does not kiss your lips, does not dry your tears the way Ron did.
Fervently praying now that our Lord will meet you in your sorrow and fill you up in the way only Your Creator can. Praying He will provide You with Ron's love...a touch from heaven...a very real, physical touch from Ron that you and you alone will know is from him. It sounds very strange to pray that, but our God is able to do all things, and He is able to do more than you and I can ever ask or imagine through the power of the Holy Spirit that lives in you...SO GO HOLY SPIRIT GO!!!!
Love you!!!!
Wendy
I hate that I don't live close enough to come over tonight, make you some of my messy to eat but yummy mexican soup, and hang out. We could chat and laugh and watch Dirty Jobs. That's what I'd love to do ... on any day with you, not just the pit days.
I have pit days too. Mine don't look exactly like yours but they're there. They stink, don't they? Praying for you today.
Love you ~R
Father, you told us in Isaiah 41:10 be not dismayed, for you are our God. You will strengthen us, yes, and help us. Uphold us with your righteous right hand.
Will tou allow my friend to physically feel your hand holding her? Will u provide the relationships she needs to fill her heart?
Lord will you give her permission in her heart to be weak? She needs to know that it is more than ok, it's expected.
Love on her with tangible arms I pray in Jesus' name amen.
I echo every comment and prayer. I know you don't want me to come in your office and hug you, so I won't, but I am praying so hard. I wish there was something I could do or say.
And I'm glad your friends saw this! Don't keep things from us, we want to be here for you and with you. You are way toooooooo special to me personally. I love you so much and I hurt because you are hurting. It is my privilege and honor to pray for you. You are a dear sweet friend to me and I would do absolutely anything for you.
I love you big,
Melissa
I'm praying God wraps His arms around you like a big warm blanket, and comforts you in amazing ways. Rest and allow others to care for you, just like Elijah did after seeing God perform amazing miracles. (1 Kings 18 & 19) You are a mighty woman of God - who is confined to an earthly body. It's okay to have down time. It makes heaven looks better and better, doesn't it? Love you!
LeAnn, Thank you for sharing your heart. I want to leave work and rush to the office to hug you. While I can't fill that empty and lonely place in your heart and in your home, please know I'm standing in the gap for you, asking our sweet Jesus to reign down HIS very presence upon you from the top of your head to the soles of your feet. To hold you tightly until HE fulfills the desires of your heart. You are loved my friend and HE loves you more than we can fathom.
Oh sweet LeAnn... You are so loved and so confident and so capable....that I never think about you being lonely. In fact I use you often as an example to some singles I know as someone who relys on and loves Jesus so much.
It is hard to imagine your pain and I'm so sorry I haven't clued in before. But I know, having grown up with a single mom, that sometimes even daily days are hard...hearing a wife complain that her husband won't pick up his socks or other such petty complaints.
I pray that Jesus wraps His arms (and the arms of many who love you) around you in a tangible way. I wish I lived in NC....I feel helpless to help from afar. But I will continue to pray for God to love on you as only HE can. I love you!!!!!!!
That's it!!! I'm signing you up for a dating service! You are too cute, too smart too, too funny, and too wonderful to feel this way. And seriously...Someone out there is missing out BIG Time!! At the same time, I HATE that you're feeling so sad! It hurts my heart!
But for today, look at all the arms God has wrapped you in. See them, feel them, and know you are Loved... you are not alone.
I know what you're saying. I get it. I've been there. You long for romance and friendship with some wonderful guy. He's out there. I JUST know it!!
I bet he's out there feeling the same way. He's wondering, "Where is my LeAnn?" The big dummy!
All in God's timing...until then, I love you (even though you just told me that's not enough) I wanted to say it anyway!
PRAYING FOR YOUR PRINCE CHARMING!
Dear LeAnn:
So loving you right now and wishing I could hug you in person. (You have lots of people who want to hug you!) Thank you for sharing your heart honestly. I love you sister-friend and am trusting God will meet your desires in such a tangible way. He promises to "satisfy us with the finest of wheat". (ps 147:14 and ps 81:16) I am praying some of the satisfaction for you comes in the form of a fine man.
When words are not enough, when truth seems trite, I pray HE satisfies to FULL with Himself.
Love you,
Sharon
I'm so sorry for your loneliness.
I am so thankful that you found your perfect soulmate & best friend and had time with him. It is 100% NOT FAIR that you didn't get a lifetime with him. But I'm so thankful you did have some time with him, and have your beautiful son Nick as a result.
May God fill all your needs. Bless your heart for sharing.
{{hugs}}
And
Today when I left P31 I thought to myself, "As soon as I get home I am going to email her and just see what's up." I could look at you and tell something wasn't right. But I didn't want to go into it in the middle of a busy office.
I have no magic words of comfort-- I wish I did. Just know I stand beside you and you are very loved. I know it's not the same. I will be praying for God to fill the void you are especially feeling in some unexpected way.
Leann - you know what i like best about this blog? it's real. I think one of the best things we can let other people know about our walk with Jesus is that it's not always tied up in a pretty package. or another way to think of it... the puzzle pieces don't always fit together...or we're all cracked pots but God can use any kind of vessel. Anyway, i love you and i'm praying for you to fill God's breath, HIs spirit, lift you on His wings. Love you - melanie
Add my name to this list, Hunny, I'm there too.
Beth Moore wrote a wonderful book about pits you may want to checkout.
Get out of that Pit! by Beth Moore
It's not her normal bible study, just a book. It helped me out of my pit, althoug I'm still lonly. I trust God and His timing.
I see you. I hear you. I am praying for you. I love you.
I love you. And I am with Micca, it's time to for us to do some networking on E-Harmony! We've been so selfish keeping you all to ourselves!! God gave you the desire for love and companionship, laughter and joy with someone who you can share your life with. Jesus is enough, but it's okay to want to feel His love through someone else's smile, someone else's embrace.
Your longing for romantic, fun, sharing life kind of love is not cheatin' on Jesus. We all know He is your FIRST LOVE!!! We all knwo He is your enough and the one who steals your breath away. It's so obvious! Your love for Him and His love for you is in everything you do.
I am so thankful you were willing to be real and let us sit in the pit with you. We love you but we do no feel sorry for you!!! We just want you to have the desires of your heart filled in every way!!
I think you should come to Africa with me. I bet I could find you a Godly man with a heart for Jesus there!! And maybe a child or two to go with him!
Hugs,
Renee
Love you, LeAnn...
Counting on those "new mercies" every day. Can't wait to play hooky with you soon. :)
Yesterday meant alot to me, girl. Even in your sadness, God used you to remind me that life's realities can only be endured because of Jesus. Yes, He's enough...but He doesn't need you to prove that to Him. He knows your heart in a very intimate way and it's very real and pure.
Always a listening ear and a praying friend!
Lisa :)
I hate that we are believe the lie that we can't be real with one another because we feel rejection or... who knows why we don't allow others to see our true innter self. Your words ring so true and real. I pray that empty place be filled to overflowing cuz loneliness hurts! Warm hugs.
Hi beautiful, gorgeous lady and friend. If we can't be honest with each other, what do we really have? I can't fix it, though everything within me wants to, but I can pray, and I can ask God to fill those gaps in His own way. I pray that He fills them to overflowing. I pray that joy rocks you in the middle of the night unexpectedly. And I pray that if crying is what you need, that those tears fall while God cradles His beautiful daughter.
Thank you for being so honest.
I remember running into this beautiful young woman at a local Matthews, NC, coffee shop some 5 years ago. She had stopped in for a morning pick-me-up before meeting with a client; I had done likewise before heading into work at P31 Ministries.
From that chance meeting an amazing story began to unfold. Who would have thought, LeAnn. :-)
You are an amazing woman! A single mother raising a handsome, young son. A skilled administrator. A gifted writer. An event planner extraordinaire. A kind friend. With welcoming eyes and an engaging smile, you embrace all who you meet with words that encourage.
Aaahhh, so be sad for a night, my friend. As long as in your sadness, you hold on tightly to your Hope--confident expectation blended with bright anticipation of what God is already doing in your life.
For where your weeping may remain for a night, rejoicing surely comes in the morning.
Blessings, dear girl.
Bonnie
LeAnn - thank you for these words. You know the harsh reality of them? We ALL struggle with this in some way. I have encouraged Lysa lately to start to mention the struggle we women have with loneliness. It's huge, dark, and prevalent. I am glad you shared. And I will pray.
Also - I am a master at hooking couples and friends up...I've set up 2 couples and they are now married, and I've hooked up many many best girlfriends...
Give me the ok and I'm on it!
Love to you today~
Hey sweet LeAnn....this is Nicki from Lisa's team.....I just had to tell you how much this post spoke to my heart.
You have an amazing story and a gift to share it in a real and vulnerable way. Something a lot of people are not willing to do.
Please keep writing about this....it's powerful and it's helpful in more ways than you would ever know....
Much Love,
Nicki Koziarz
Thank you for sharing. I am feeling the same way as we (my children ages 11, 8 and 5 and I) are coming upon the 3 year anniversary of my husband's/their father's death. 99% of the things you said apply to how I've been feeling the last two weeks. I just continue to lean on the Lord, as he has been our Strength and Comfort through it all.
Saying a prayer for you!
Widow to widow.... I am praying you are feeling better today. My husband/best friend died 12 years ago.. left behind were my girls 2,4,6..It has been has been a rough road and I felt many days exastly how you describe.. This year my oldest went to college. (another moment when her dad should have been with us.) The hope I can give you though is God is in control.. I have finally surrendered everyting to him, and am allowing him to dream, new dreams for me...If that means a new husband great, if not, I will be ok with that too..because God is all I need... Please be encouraged... I was praying for you on and off all day... If you glance back, you will see how God has carried you through some amazing trials... Be at peace.. He truly loves us and wants the best for us... blessings and love.. kathy
There will always been those sad moments, and then I have to lean on Christ and know how lonely He must have felt when all of his friends abandoned Him.
It's by leaning on Him that I find strength and simply remember that these moments pass and joyful ones will be there too.
Hope you are better soon.
Hey, LeAnn! Bless your precious heart! And I MEAN that!!:) It would be great if we could just have a huggy friends moment!
You are so brave and obedient to share your heart with us. You are just a darling lady and are so loved. I am going to be praying for you with the other gals, and we'll see what our awesome God has in store!
Much love,
Susan
aka Runner Mom
I'm sitting here crying as I am typing...my husband of 14 years, my soulmate was killed in a crash 8 weeks ago yesterday. He was a remarkable man - 25 years my senior - but lived so young. I am approaching 40 and we have a son who just turned 7 last week. I miss him so much I feel like my heart will explode. I am a faithful Christian and I absolutely know that God is in control and He has wonderful things planned for me and our son - But - I WANT MY HUSBAND BACK! I am very blessed - we are ok financially and I have a great job. I took some of his clothes to GOODWILL today, changed insurances, cancelled a newspaper and talked with the detective who is investigating the crash - charges are pending against the man who crashed into and killed my husband and his best friend. I know God is with me... He always is. I'm just so sad tonight...I'll do well for several days straight and then it is like I am pulled back into that pit that you are describing.
Thank you so much for sharing from your heart and showing your feelings, what many of us (widows) often struggle with but try to cover up or hide.
I have been a widow for only 2 1/2 years, but I know of the dark pit you speak of. I have experienced everything you wrote about. Yes, probably the hardest is that we can't tell anyone. And if it does slip out, you are right, it usually only makes things worse.
I think the most painful thing I hear is "well, at least you still have your children". I understand what they mean, but young children cannot take the place of a lost spouse. We are left with a hole in our lives. A part of us, a part of identity is missing and has changed, and we have to pick up the pieces and go on. We don't have that physical presence to come home to after a hard day. We don't have that other person to hold us and support us or provide comfort and strength when life gets tough.
I am sorry you are struggling right now. It has been tough for me lately too.
Thank you for the courage to speak out about your pain. Thank you for sharing what's on your heart.
Blessings
Hi, I googled widow and loneliness and came upon your blog. Thank you for writing the real loneliness that comes with this label that inserted its way into my life 4 1/2 years ago at age 52. I finally enjoy the solo identity I have forged and sleep gratefully in the bed and home I shared with my beloved.
I adore my Creator and Lord AND I have lots of love that still seeks the arms and character of a good man.
I'm now on the online and offline (real) singles scene, and realize that I have pretty slim pickings out there. So while I remain out there and a spark may ignite with a good man, I believe loneliness and a loving heart is a condition I can live with. My delight in the love God provides hopefuly keeps me on the safe side of desperation for another.
LeAnn,
Ready today's blog just sent tears streaming down my face. It's only been a month since I lost both my husband and father-in-law on the same day and less than a week for my grandpa. I feel exactly the way you describe it. I've asked Jesus to mend the hole in my heart, but he's got a huge hole to fill. My heart aches for our 2 children as well. Our son worshiped his daddy and our daughter is too young to understand or remember too much.
But, we do serve a mighty God who is sewing the details into a larger tapestry that we are just too close to see right now. I'll pray for you and your son. Thank you for sharing such intimacy...it was like hearing myself speaking.
Continue to press on towards the goal. God will reward you for your faithfulness and courage.
Standing in the gap with you,
Julie
Thank you so much for sharing this with the world. I am a widow who remarried young, and am now divorced. The loneliness is sometimes so depressing I don't know what to do with myself, but God is filling my days with peace. I felt that being married to Jesus was what I wanted to do, but the emptiness is unbearable sometimes without a human husband. I'll be praying for you, my sister. I feel less lonely already!
Anita
Thank you for saying what I feel but could not express. It is so hard for me to share my feelings. I have been taught for so long not to complain. I have been a widow for 4 years and I too always have a smiling face.
Thanks for allow me an opportunity to feel sad on the outside and not just inside.
God Bless You and I will keep you in prayer
I'm newly divorced and have been in a pit myself this week. I've moved into a new home and am having a good time nesting and doing all those type of things, but I also know exactly how you feel about being lonely. Yesterday I couldn't go more than 30 minutes without seeing, hearing, or thinking something that sent me into a puddle of tears. I know God has good things planned for my future, but right now I could really use a hug. Thanks for sharing your heart - it helps to know I'm not the only one feeling so lonely even though our circumstances are different. God bless you.
Monica in PA
LeAnn,
I, too, hate this pit on the days that I'm in it. It's been less than 2 years for me since my husband died. Life is slowly getting better .... most days. But there are still the pit days.
At least we all know that we're not alone. We have God and we have each other.
Thank you for sharing so honestly.
Janine
What blessings, I too was brought to tears while reading about your heartache, and then the LOVE poured out from your girlfriends. It is so true that we all exerience lonliness to some degree...and many feel it is an "unacceptable" thing to feel when we have Jesus living in our hearts...
But...looking through scripture, we can see lonliness is a common experience in God's people...God does something in the "pits" of our lives that He couldn't do in our fulfilling times...think of Joseph rejected and alone, think of Moses, Hannah, Sarah...I personally think that lonliness is a part of our calling...
My son is popular at school, actally just won Homecoming King. But often he says he has no friends. I am so proud of him and grateful to the Lord that he is "set apart" and not part of the world...it gives us a certain amount of lonliness, and serves to bring us closer to Jesus...
And I love that someone said "give your self permission" to feel, and be real...How it has sparked the quality of Jesus in our sisters here (tenderhearted compassion), and encouraged others in their struggle with loss and lonliness...
God bless you in your struggle and bear fruit through it...that is what He is up to here...Love to you!
Kathy
You spoke what we have all felt, but I would like to add a couple of thoughts for anyone newly single with kids. 1. Don't try to replace your partner with your kids. I realize I am too codependant upon them, and they too will be gone soon...I need to learn to accept the silence. 2. NEVER put off going anywhere or doing anything until you have someone new to share it with. When my kids were little I used to think, "When I get married again we will go camping all the time...or we will take that vacation there...or I will go back to the Grand Canyon and do "that" next time (when I have a husband). Everywhere I look I see happy families...Husband AND wives...and my heart breaks. I have been a single mom for 15 years. My prince never came (this time) and in reading my Bible Study this week I read two verses where God made woman because it was not good that the MAN should be alone..BUT IT DOESN'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT THE WOMAN! It just says for everyone else to take care of her! IT ISNT GOOD FOR WOMAN TO BE ALONE EITHER! But apparently our father thinks we can handle it better because we are stronger??? and finally (3.) Learn to be content with yourself and living alone for the rest of your life, because there is no promise that you will find someone new...and you HAVE to go on living! I wasted too many years just believing that each day "this might be the day I meet the man God has for me!" and not enjoying the experiences God had planned for me just as I was, in the state I was in. I have learned to live by the Serenity Prayer, accept my situation, and change what makes me happy...and accept that I will have melt down days when I miss a human being to touch, listen to, and share life with. If it is God's plan that you spend the rest of your life alone, have you accepted that? That is the hardest part for me. Each day I get older, my body looks worse with age and wear, and I think "If I couldnt find a helpmate when I was in my thirties, and still young, thin, and attractive, how will I ever find one now that I am old, soft and fluffy, and wrinkled?! That may be one of God's greatest miracles yet! For now I accept that I am being made ready for the Bride Groom that is coming to take me away to His home on high, and it doesnt get any better than that! (So why would I want to settle for Woody Allen when I have Johnny Depp waiting for me?)
I just found your blog and read the "Pit of Lonilness" post. Thank you for sharing your feelings. I know exactly how hard it is, because I too am there some days. And just like you listd, "I hate that Jesus isn't enough" and I wish for a best friend to share my life with. The shame of not being satisfied with Christ just compiles my feelings of guilt and sadness and seems to dig me deeper into self disgust. I pray that God make me an island so I don't desire that type of relationship and will be fully content in my singledom, but it hasn't happened and I know it most likely never will.
Knowing I'm not alone in this is comforting. But knowing that this is temporal brings even more joy.
God is gracious and I have many more joyful days than blue ones. But when that feeling of funk hits, it can sometimes feel like getting hit by a semi.
People mean well and reference Paul's message about how singles are blessed to have nothing holding them back from sharing the kingdom of God and we should all be so lucky (obviously paraphrased). Wish I felt lucky and not cursed.
Despite these feelings, I know I am and feel extremely blessed. I have a great, loving family. Awesome friends and a satisfying and rewarding career. I ask myself if I'm not more content now, will I be with a husband? Or will I always be wanting more? A child? Another child? A bigger house? A nicer car?
These are the thoughts that toy with me when I don't refocus them on my Savior. The lover of my soul. He rescues me from the mirky mess I wallow in, sometime sooner than later. But He has never left me there and always shows up.
Thank you again for being transparent to total strangers. You're a blessing!
LeAnn I am so thankful for your post. It described the way I feel to the t. As I kept reading I said to myself "She is describing me, thank you God for this woman who is brave enough to put in writing her feelings. I am so thankful for finding your blod and thankful to our Lord Jesus Christ for putting in my heart to check out your P31 Ministry website and allowing me to find you. God Bless and I am praying for you and for all those women out there that in the same boat as us. Thank you for allowing the Lord to use you.
Hi, LeAnn I am a widow to and I became one 7 years ago at the age of 39 and my children were very young it was and still is tough at times because I've also lost both of my parents and as I said it does get tough at times and the Lord allows me to have my moments and then he will minister to my spirit and let know that is ok to have my moments but I can't stay there I've got to look to the hills from whence cometh my help because all of my help comes from the Lord and thats the scripture he gave me when my husband died because the devil was telling me to do all kinds of crazy stuff thats when I knew I had to cry out to God and he answered me Psalm 121 and instantly I began to get such a peace I did'nt know what, when or how but I knew that everything was going to be alright and thats when the healing process began it did'nt happen over night because I'm still being healed one thing about God he will heal you everywhere you hurt and he won't rush the process because it's a process of healing he won't leave you nor forsake you he'll be there until the very end people try to rush you but God takes us and loves and heals our brokeness he sees all of our aches and pains so my dear sister allow the Lord to heal you everywhere you hurt.
I so understand. I too feel very lonely and wonder why this has happened. I do know that in the last 7 months I have become closer to God. Maybe that's why.
But I can't stand the thought that my husband will not grow old with me, that we will not go places and do the things that people do when they retire.
Thank you for sharing your heart because that is exactly how I feel most days.
This was so honest, raw and beautiful LeAnn!
LeAnn LeAnn I can't tell you what this did for me today. I just read it. I cried and I cried. This is MEEEE. Please know that I lost my late husband 2 years ago. The reason I make a point to say my Late husband is because I know without a doubt that I am already married to another wonderful man. He is afraid because he has been divorce for two years. Again, I repeat I know he is my husband. There are so many days when I feel the exact same way that you described. Yes, people se me and say oh you look so good. Yes, I do look good. They just don't know how and what I experience on the inside. I LOVE The Lord with all my heart. So without a doubt. I pray or you. Also without a doubt I know that I will be married to my wonderful new best friend Very Soon so I will not have to hate my all those things that you mentioned that I hate now.
Praise God From Whom All Blessings Flows.
LeAnn, I am brand new to your blog here and am at tears with this blog. I have been Divorced... now for three years. I know it's not a "death" of a loved one, but in a way it is. I won't go into details of it at all. Just know that Every year the loneliness of being alone and not having "that" person there like a girl would always dream in her fairytale dreams of "Happily Ever After", hurts and hurts to the core. I too have many long tearful nights of thinking of the loneliness deep within and wanting so terribly to share my life with someone until old.... THEN I bury myself in scripture and am lifted up out of the pit for a day, a week, maybe a few until it engulfs me once again. But reading your blog has shown me that it is normal to feel this way and normal to feel the pain, sadness, and all of the feelings you have shared with us. ALL of it bringing us to the same and only answer to it all HAVE FAITH IN THE LORD AND HE WILL SHINE HIS GRACE UPON US ALL!!!! Knowing that lets me know that HE is by myside through it all and knows my heartache and my fears, BUT he will give me the strength to take that next step forward.
God bless you and thank you again!!!
Sweetie, you've got three things I don't--a real man (son), a make-believe man (jesus), and a cat.
You don't know pain until you've experienced it undiluted and undeluded.
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