Another Year, Another Tear

Ron died 12 years ago today. I can remember the day as if it was yesterday. I remember the details, the time, who was at the house... and I remember the pain in my gut and the catch in my throat as I held back the tears. I have to admit that, while this was absolutely the most painful day of my life, the day also brought some relief.

You see - my precious husband died a few weeks before his body did. I had been in mourning since the moment we realized that cancer was winning the battle and Ron would not survive. When he was still able to communicate, I was able to say everything that I wanted to say. I am grateful for that time. Ron knew how very much he was loved.

Ron's body lay in the living room in a hospital bed that hospice had brought in. They set up a morphine drip that I could control. With any sign of agitation, I upped the dose. It's not like he could become an addict so I figured... just keep him out of pain. The last thing that you want is for someone that you love to be in pain. I just wanted him to be at peace. His mind was gone. His memories were gone. Now I was just waiting for his body to give in.

I monitored him every moment of every day. I slept semi-sitting in a loveseat that I set right beside his bed. My mom and my sister-in-law, Kris, kept Nick with them as much as possible. I didn't want his memories of his dad to be memories of those last weeks. Hospice came in a few times a week so I was able to take a shower and a nap and spend some time with Nick before someone came to pick him up.

The day before Ron died his parents came to stay. They didn't live that far away so they could come and go as they wanted but this time they wanted to stay. We all knew that the end was near and they wanted to stay next to his bed at night and hold his hand.

For the first time in weeks, I was able to sleep in our bed. I was physically and emotionally exhausted and I was asleep the moment my head hit the pillow. I slept a full night but when I woke in the morning, I knew that this would be the day.

Because Ron's parents were there, I was able to take a shower and get dressed and then drive Nick to his gymnastics class where we would meet up with his cousins and my sister-in-law. Kris would be taking Nick home with her for the weekend. Before we left, I sat with Ron and told him that he didn't need to hang on any more. I assured him that we would be OK. Ron was mostly unresponsive but I had a feeling that he understood and was just waiting to go until he felt that everyone would be OK. I talked to Nick and told him that we needed to let daddy go to heaven. Nick was only three. He leaned close to Ron's face and said, "It's time for you to go live with the angels, Daddy." He kissed him on the cheek and then placed a Winnie-the-Pooh sticker on Ron's forehead.

Before Nick and I left, I shared my thoughts with Ron's parents and asked them to say goodbye. Ron's uncle was flying in that day and would arrive shortly. Even in Ron's "barely there" state, I think he new that Uncle Rick was coming.

About a half an hour after arriving at gymnastics, my mother walked in. She didn't have to say anything. I knew. Ron's parents had called her so that she would come and tell me in person. Nick went home with Kris and his cousins and I drove home. Ron's parents met me outside and handed me his wedding ring. Ron had died shortly after Uncle Rick had arrived. He waited for each of us to say goodbye and then he smiled as he took his last breath.

The rest of the day was bizarre. If you have lived through this, you know exactly what I'm talking about. I am very grateful for hospice and for our families and friends that stayed to "take care of things" for me. Calls were made and closets were cleaned out. All signs of cancer and medicine were removed from the house. The funeral home sent someone to pick up Ron's body. They zipped him up in a black bag. I remember my father-in-law trying to keep me out of the living room. He watched as Ron's body was prepared but he didn't want me to have to see it so he protected me by sending people to keep me occupied in another room.

Ron was taken away naked with a Winnie-the-Pooh sticker on his forehead. Someone told them to remove the sticker but I forbid it.

I think I'll end here. I will share about my first night alone in the house at another time. I've shed enough tears for today. These are tears of sadness and some of relief because he was no longer in pain. Next time... I promise to share my tears of joy!

Sweet Blessings,
LeAnn