Pit of Loneliness

I'm pretty sure this is the title of a sad country song. If not... it probably will be.

I really prayed long and hard about sharing this with you but, in the end, God said I had to so... here goes...

I am in a sad, lonely, dark pit at the moment. In the 12 years since Ron died, I have been in this place from time to time. Different things trigger the fall and I don't seem to have any control over it. I don't like being in the pit. I know it will end in a few days but that doesn't seem to make it any easier to take.

I haven't shared this before because I don't want the people who care about me to worry (or commit me to an institution). I feel as though I need to keep a smile on my face so everyone will think that I am just fine. But I'm not always just fine. Sometimes life hurts.

It's also hard being in ministry and feeling as though I would be letting everyone down if they knew that I didn't have my act together. Seriously... shouldn't Jesus be enough? Then I beat myself up for letting myself go to a place where I want more than Jesus. It's a downward spiral from there.

Here's the cold hard truth:

I am lonely!

I hate that I don't have someone who loves me waiting for me at the end of the day.

I hate that I can't crawl into bed at night and into my husbands arms.

I hate that I will grow old alone instead of with my best friend.

I hate that I can't pick up the phone and tell him good or bad news the moment it happens or just share my feelings.

I hate that I don't have a date for dinner and a movie... or anything.

I hate that I don't get included in lots of outings because I just don't fit. I'm too old for my younger single friends to include me and I'm not part of a couple like my older married friends.

I hate it that when I am included with my married friends, I feel like a third wheel.

I hate feeling like this is a life-sentence.

I hate it that I feel sorry for myself.

I hate it when others feel sorry for me.

I am dreading the day that Nick leaves for college because then I will be completely alone... with a cat! I'm going to be the crazy lady that everyone talks about!

I hate that I don't have a partner to do life with.

I cry so hard some nights that I can't breath, which means I can't go to sleep. I just lie there on my wet pillow and cry all night.

I hate that I can't tell anyone.

Anyone but you. I know you understand and that's why God MADE me share my heart today. I didn't want to. I am praying that my friends don't see this. They'll be extra nice and that will make it worse. (Go figure?)

Friends, if I am feeling this way then I am sure some of you are too. And, I hate that. I am swimming in a pit of despair and it hurts my heart more than I can say to know that some of you are in this same place. I am so sorry. I hope it helps you to know that you are not alone. I hope you don't lose faith in me. I promise I'll be smiling again very soon.

But in the meantime... I am giving myself permission to be sad.

A friend reminded me of something today... God's mercies are new every day. I'm going to hold on to that for now. For now, that will be enough.

Blessings,
LeAnn

For All Ages

Hey Friends!

Our ministry division for teen girls, Living with Purpose: A Radical Revolution, has focused on Heaven all week. Each post is awesome and, I think, appropriate for all ages. These young women ask great questions and have great insight. We should never ignore the next generation of influencers. They have much to teach us.

I contributed today's post called, "Glimpse of Heaven." While it was written for teen girls, I would love for all ages to read about my glimpse of Heaven. It's really just a teaser. One day I will take the time to describe everything I saw but I don't feel emotionally ready to go there right now. God will tell me when the time is right.

I am particularly honored that Kristen (the Next Generation Coordinator) asked me to write todays post as she wanted to use my experience as a springboard for providing the steps to salvation. Friends, if you do not know Jesus or if someone you love does not know Him, I implore you to visit www.RadRevolution.org today. If just one person comes to know Jesus today as a result of Kristen's efforts, my heart will sing with great joy!

In Christ's Love,
LeAnn