BIG ANNOUNCEMENT!

Hey Sweet Friends!

Today I have a wonderful announcement. The new and improved "A Widow's Might" has launched!

The site is the same with a few new additions. Please visit www.AWidowsMight.org to see the changes and for some exciting news.

All new posts will appear on the new site so please make a note of this if you have saved this site as one of your favorites. Also, you may need to subscribe to the new site in order to receive an email each time the site is updated. You will see a feedburner box in the right column of the new site. Just submit your email address to subscribe. If it tells you that you are already subscribed, then your subscription transferred to the new site and you are good to go. I'm not sure if I understand why some will automatically transfer and some won't. My techie gal says that it has something to do with the way you subscribed. I guess I'm not techie enough to understand :(

OK - this will be my last post through blogger. We have moved to a new location (HAH) so you will continue to hear from me from my swankier address (HAH again).

Don't forget to check out our new location for an awesome announcement. Here's a little hint... we're giving something HUGE away!

Sweet Blessings!
LeAnn

Counting My Blessings

Today marks 13 years since Ron "changed his address" and went to be with Jesus. This is typically a rough day for me - but not today. I woke up this morning and decided that I had a choice. I could face my day with a joyful heart or a heart of sadness. I chose joy in honor of Ron and my dear friend Anne. God freed Anne from Cancer and took her home to live with Him almost two years ago now. Even in the midst of her most painful days, Anne chose Joy. Her life continues to inspire me.

So, with a joyful heart, today I am counting my blessings...

• I have an amazing 16-year-old son who is becoming an intelligent, funny, interesting, talented, Godly young man
• I have a very supportive and loving mommy
• I have an extended family of friends who love me unconditionally
• I have wonderful in-laws who decided to keep us :)
  
• I have a calling... not a job!
• I have a roof over my head (thanks, Mom), a car that runs, food on our table, good health, and Nick is getting an exceptional education
• I have YOU!
• I have purpose. God has not wasted my pain. And, as He uses me to minister to those who are now walking the path that I am on, He is healing my heart as well.
  
• I have memories to hold onto that will never go away
• Most importantly, I have hope in Jesus. Because of Him, we will be with those we love for all eternity

Sweet friends, I pray that you can find something to be thankful for today.

Joyfully, Hopefully,
LeAnn

Change Can Be a Very Good Thing!

As usual, life has been crazy.

As usual, I am grateful for it.

The crazier things are, the less time I have for my mind to wander down a path that I would rather not walk down. Looking outward to others instead of inward has helped me through the darkest of days. There is always someone who is hurting more than I am. And, in helping, God is healing. "A Widow's Might" was born out of my desire to pour myself into others. God never wastes our pain and if He could use my pain to help even one other woman, it was worth admitting the stuff that I had been keeping inside.

When I first launched "A Widow's Might," the idea was to have more of a community blog where a group of women in this season of life could share our feelings. However, the women God put on my heart to do this with weren't quite in the same place as I was at the same time. For a variety of reasons, life just kept them busy in other ways. "A Widow's Might" became a "solo" venture which is not what I intended.

The truth is... I do not feel like a widow 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I don't always have something profound to share with you on "A Widow's Might." (Actually, it's pretty rare that anything profound comes out of my mouth - hahahaha!) I don't always have something that I need to scream about. I don't always have a life-lesson to share. But isn't this GOOD news?

Seriously?! Some days I'm just downright happy all day and I don't cry myself to sleep. If this journey is new to you, I pray that you find hope in this statement.

The thing is... we all grieve differently and on different time tables. I still cry on every significant anniversary (birthdays, holidays, our "firsts," our "lasts," the anniversary of Ron's death, etc) because Ron isn't here. I still cry when Nick receives an award at school and I hide tears at Nick's tennis games because Ron isn't sitting beside me watching our son. I still cry myself to sleep from sheer loneliness a few times every month (especially when I'm hormonal!) I still cry when I see an older couple holding hands, knowing that I will never have that. I still cry because it is very likely that I won't have a happily ever after.

But... I also laugh. I laugh a lot. I am happy a lot. God has put wonderful people in my life... people who fill some of my empty spaces and bring me great joy. In just a few weeks it will be the 13th anniversary of Ron's change of address. Thirteen years ago he went to live with Jesus. The fact that he is with Jesus is a source of happiness for me, too. That doesn't mean that I won't cry a lot on April 19th and it certainly does not mean that I won't cry myself to sleep that night. But, on the 20th, I will wake up to a new day and a fresh start. God's mercies are new EVERY day.

OK - so what's my point?

Well.. remember those gals that God put on my heart to share "A Widow's Might" with? Their lives are now at a place where God is calling them to share too! Beginning very soon, we will be turning this into a community blog with 4-5 of us sharing our experiences, our lives, our hurts, our triumphs, and our hearts with you. I am so excited!

Each of us has a different story to tell and different life experiences that have helped to define who we are. You may connect with some and not with others. By each of us sharing from our own hearts, you will hear different perspectives. By joining together we hope to encourage you in ways that are more personal and helpful to you as an individual. And, with all of us contributing, you will hear from us much more often!

I don't have an exact start date but I will begin making a few changes to this site very soon. Then, in a few weeks, we will welcome you to a new and improved "A Widow's Might" and I will introduce you to a handful of amazing women who have walked the same road that you are on. Each of them inspires me and I know they will be a blessing to you as well.

Much Love,
LeAnn

She Speaks Scholarship!

Hi Friends,

If you have been reading my blog for a while you know that I spent a few years in the pit, depressed over loosing my husband... my best friend. But, slowly, God brought me out of the pit and filled my broken heart with His amazing love. He has further blessed me by using my pain to minister to others.

Are you in that place? Has God brought you through to the other side and given you a heart to minister to other women? Is He calling you to share your story through speaking and/or writing? Our annual She Speaks conference can equip you and encourage you in God's call on your life.

If you feel God calling you to our annual She Speaks conference but don't have the funding this year, hop over to Lysa's blog for an opportunity to win a full scholarship!

Click here for details:
http://lysaterkeurst.blogspot.com/2010/03/she-speaks-scholarship-contest.html

She Speaks is a life-changing weekend for everyone. It would be great to see some of my "Widow's Might" sisters there!

Blessings,
LeAnn

When God Serenades You

Sweet Sisters,

Valentine's Day is this weekend and it can be one of the dreaded holidays. You know that Lifetime and Hallmark will probably be airing a stream of romantic movies... the totally unrealistic ones!

My friend, Micca, has lived through the loss of her husband at a very young age so she understands. Micca wrote today's Proverbs 31 Ministries devotion and... since it serenaded my heart this morning, I want to share it with you.

Be Blessed My Friends,
LeAnn

When God Serenades You
By: Micca Monda Campbell

“The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.”
Zephaniah 3:17(NIV)

Growing up I had to watch whatever my sister wanted to watch on television because she was the oldest. She liked the black and white classics that featured Dean Martin, Jerry Lewis, and Frank Sinatra to name a few. Over time, I began to enjoy them too.

I really liked the part of the movie when Dean Martin would serenade the woman he loved at her bedroom window. I thought that was so romantic! In fact, I would get a funny feeling in my stomach. Somehow, I knew deep inside that I, too, would be serenaded by some lovesick man. I didn’t know when, but I was certain it was going to happen.

Well, guess what?

It never happened.

At first, I was bummed. Then, one day shortly after I had experienced tragedy in my life, and was feeling completely unloved, I came across our key verse.

“The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.”

Right away, I knew God had led me to this truth. How else does a person stumble into the book of Zephaniah if not led there by God? At the time, I didn’t know the book of Zephaniah existed. But it did exist, and the words on the page read like a personal note written just for me. Micca, I will rejoice over you with singing!

That’s when it dawned on me. God delights in me so much that it causes Him to break out in song! Suddenly, it no longer mattered that no one else has ever serenaded me. God, Himself, serenades me. He sings to me. He sings over me and He sings about me! It’s His joy to do so. Better yet, He delights in serenading you, too.

I pray that you will allow this verse to sink deep into your heart today so you’ll have it when you need it. Trust me. There will be a day when you will need it. You see, we tend to believe that because we are children of God that nothing bad will ever happen to us. When the bad does happen, we believe the lie every time.

I knew it, God! I knew You really didn’t love me.

Friend, that is a lie from the pit of hell. Nothing is further from the truth. God, indeed, loves you because He can’t do anything less. You and I cause God’s supernatural heart to skip a beat at the mere thought of us. Therefore, the next time you’re feeling unloved because of some adversity in your life stop and say, “NO! That’s a lie. God loves me so much that He can’t help but sing about it!”

Dear Lord, I need Your loving touch today. Let Your love song wash over me and fill my heart. I release my feelings of doubt to You and rest in Your undying love. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Related Resources:

An Untroubled Heart: Finding Faith that is Stronger than All Your Fears by Micca Campbell

Micca Campbell's Testimony DVD by Micca Campbell

Visit Micca’s blog for more encouragement today.

The Wonder of His Love: A Journey into the Heart of God by Nancy Stafford

Application Steps:

Look up each verse and memorize them. When you need to experience God’s love, close your eyes and repeat them to your heart: Jeremiah 31:3; 1 John 4:16; John 15:16; Isaiah 54:10.

Reflections:

What causes you to doubt God’s love?

Is there better proof of God’s love than giving His own life for you? Have you experienced the power of God’s Love through Christ? Accept His invitation today to know Him?

Power Verses:

1 Corinthians 13:8, “Love never fails.” (NIV)

Isaiah 54:10, “My love and kindness will not depart from you.” (NIV)

© 2010 by Micca Campbell. All rights reserved.
Proverbs 31 Ministries
616-G Matthews-Mint Hill Road
Matthews, NC 28105
www.proverbs31.org

Empty Spaces

Sweet Friends,

No matter what is going on in my life or how miserable I may feel from time to time, there is one thing that I NEVER doubt and that's God's love. Yes, the losses some of us have experienced have left us with a lot of empty spaces in our lives. (I have received emails from many of you, letting me know that you are not widows like me, but that you have never married or are divorced. You, my sweet friends, have empty spaces too.)

But... God is so good that He fills those empty spaces in other ways. He loves us so much that He brings people and projects into our lives to fill in those gaps. We matter to Him.

I just wrote about my amazing birthday celebration on my other blog, www.LeAnnRice.com. The holidays are always rough waters to navigate but God put so many amazing friends into my life that they helped to fill some of my empty spaces. Then, they went absolutely over the top in celebrating my birthday that falls just two weeks after the holidays (when I am still usually in a funk). I don't know when I have ever felt so much love. This certainly doesn't mean that I'm not still lonely when I lay my head on my pillow at night. But... I do try to take a moment to praise Him and to tell Him how very grateful I am for placing others in my life who love me unconditionally. God loves me every day through my precious friends. Through them, and through various projects that He calls me to, He fills some of my empty spaces.

Recently I have been a little better about stopping to thank God for filling these empty spaces. It has helped me focus on what I do have and not on what I don't. The more time I spend counting my blessings, the less time I have left to think about what I have lost. (It's really just simple math!)

My prayer for you today... May God fill your empty places with great friends, His purpose, and sweet memories.

In His Love,
LeAnn

New Year - New Hope

Each year I choose and claim a new verse for the year. I print out the verse (with my name inserted) and put it over my desk, in my bathroom, tuck it in my Bible, etc. I immerse myself in this verse.

I trust God to give me a verse each year so on New Year's Eve I open my Bible and ask God to direct me. Here is the promise He has for me this year:

"I am with you always, LeAnn, even to the end of the age."
(Matthew 28:20)

El Roi, the God who sees me, knows that I struggle with loneliness. He knows that I struggle with self-worth. He knows that I struggle with feeling overlooked and insignificant.

He knows.

When I opened by Bible on the loneliest night of the year (for me), God reminded me that I am never alone. He is with me ALWAYS. And, because He equips me to do His work, I have self-worth through Him. If those He places within my sphere of influence see Him through my words and my actions, then I certainly am significant.

He is with me ALWAYS.

Before my feet hit the ground each morning I will remind myself that God's Word is alive and personal. I will repeat His promise to me that He is with me always. I will go through each new day knowing that I do not walk alone and I do nothing without His help and His guidance.

He is my hope for each new day and this new year. And, my sweet friends... He is yours!

Blessings,
LeAnn

Happily Never After

OK... I survived Christmas.

New Year's Eve is another story. It's my least favorite day of the year.

I know that it should be a time for counting my blessings and praising God for all the good things that have happened over the last year. And, of course, looking forward in anticipation to what He has in store for the year ahead. But, each year I somehow manage to find myself stuck in the pit. You know... focusing on what I don't have instead of what I do.

With each new year I lose hope in ever getting my "happily ever after." Yes, I know that I am blessed to have an amazing son, a great mom, wonderful friends, an awesome job, and Jesus who loves me without measure. But... at the end of the day... I still go to bed alone. I am still looking at a future with no kiss at midnight year after year after year after year...

I know that many of you feel the same way. Today is just plain hard. But tomorrow will be better and I'll try to stay busy and I'll try to refocus my thoughts on what I do have in my life. But for today, I'm just going to have a good cry and try to get through it.

I'm praying for all of you my sweet friends. Praying that God will be your portion today.

"Fear not, for I am with you;
Be not dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you,
Yes, I will help you,
I will uphold you with My righteous right hand."
(Isaiah 41:10)

In His Love,
LeAnn

Surviving Christmas

Oh my... here we are again. Another Christmas without someone we love. December is a hard month to get through when you have lost someone you love so much.

This year hasn't been as hard for me as some years have been. (Although it's not over yet and I am hormonal!) I am keeping myself very busy with lots of projects and activities. And, I'm focusing on the gift of Jesus and on giving back to Him this Christmas. After all... it is His birthday! I can't think of a greater gift to give Him than to serve "the least of these" in His name.

With that in mind, here's how I'm surviving Christmas this year:

I am pouring myself into the lives of others. There is ALWAYS someone who is feeling worse than I am. And there is ALWAYS a need greater than my own.

Check with your pastor or with the social services agency in your area and find out if there is a family in need this Christmas. You can provide Christmas dinner and/or gifts for a family that otherwise would have nothing this year.

Serve at your local soup kitchen or homeless shelter. Nick and I also put together a Christmas gift bag for everyone who came for the hot meal. We included an orange, peanut butter crackers, socks, toothbrush and toothpaste, chocolate, lots of homemade Christmas cookies, shampoo, deodorant, and gloves.

Collect blankets, socks, coats, and gloves as a project. Bring the items to a local shelter. I promise these items will be a tremendous blessing to those who will spend the night on the street in freezing temperatures!

Consider working with an organization like Samaritan's Purse where you can spend as many hours as you would like putting boxes together for those who are less fortunate.

Visit an assisted living or retirement center. I am always surprised by how many people end up alone at Christmas with no visitors! Some of these precious people seem forgotten. It breaks my heart! They LOVE visitors.

If you will be spending Christmas alone, find out if there are other members of your church who will also be alone. Plan a fun dinner or potluck and include everyone who would have been alone. Spend the day together. Play silly games and watch the most ridiculous Christmas movie. (One that will force you to laugh in spite of yourself.) Good food and fellowship is always a good thing!

OK - these are just a few ideas. This may or may not work for you but, for me, keeping busy and keeping focused on what would make God happy helps me get through Christmas with a more joyful heart. Instead of being "me-focused" I am focusing my energy outward. I am less aware of what I don't have and more aware of the joy of doing for others. Blessing someone else truly will bless you.

My sweet friends, I will be praying for you in the days ahead. I pray that God will be everything you need... that He will fill every empty space... and that you will see Him in extraordinary ways.

Merry CHRISTmas!
LeAnn

It's the Happiest Time of the Year... At Least That's What the Song Says

I woke up this morning in a funk and haven't been able to shake it. The funk started creeping in about a week ago but my in-laws' visit and our trip to Charleston over Thanksgiving kept me a little distracted. This morning I am back in my normal routine so the funk covered me like a dark cloud.

With Thanksgiving, my anniversary, Christmas, New Years, and then my birthday the following week, this time of the year is always a struggle. I try my best to count my blessings but the losses and the loneliness still manage to creep in.

Tomorrow would have been my 20th anniversary. Ron and I would have spent this weekend on a romantic getaway. Instead, I will be doing laundry, running errands, cleaning the house, and trying to remain joyful as I decorate the house for Christmas.

Christmas will be quiet at my house. It's just me and Nick. He will spend the day in his "man-cave" playing video games on the computer and I will spend the day watching unrealistic movies on the Hallmark channel. You know the ones... some perfect dude strolls into town and falls in love with the single-mom and they live happily ever after. Yeah... like that really happens.

New Years Eve will be depressing as will my birthday. These are just anniversaries of another year of being alone. Hmmmm... who wants to celebrate that?

Uggghhh... no wonder I'm in a funk.

Now I have a choice. I can either wallow in the funk or choose to be joyful. I definitely choose joy. But... it takes some effort. You wouldn't think so, would you? Seems like a no-brainer. But pulling yourself out of the pit is hard work when all you want to do is cry and crawl under the covers and wait until February. Oh... maybe February is too early with Valentine's Day and all :(

I'm going to pull myself out of the deep pit one step at a time by counting my blessings.

I have Jesus! No matter what is missing from my life... Jesus is ALWAYS there. He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. It's His hand that reaches down to pull me up when I'm in the pit.

I have an amazing son who, even though he would rather stay in his man-cave and doesn't snuggle with mommie like he used to, is turning into a fine Godly young man (and one day, hopefully, will provide me with grandchildren to spoil).

I have an amazing "job." It's hard to call it a job really. It's a calling. It's my family. Jesus is my CEO so... like... can it get any better? I work with the most amazing women who make sacrifices so that they can work together for HIS glory. And, Lysa is the most supportive and generous boss in the world! Seriously!

I have wonderful friends. Not a lot of friends... just a handful of great friends. The kind that will do anything for you. The kind that extend grace and laugh WITH you when you do something stupid. The kind that love you no matter what.

Nick and I have a home (thanks to my mom), a car that runs (thanks to Luann), food on our table, clothes on our backs, a cat that drives us crazy, and our health. All blessings... even the cat.

We have a wonderful church family. We have been members of Spirit of Joy for ten years now and I am honored to worship alongside brothers- and sisters-in-Christ who stand together on the Word of God instead of conforming to what the world tells us.

OK - I'm not all the way out of the pit but I am definitely getting closer to the light! Like I said... it isn't easy. It takes a lot of effort and, when you are in the pit, you are already kind of exhausted and drained. It's kind of a nasty little cycle, isn't it?

Today, my friends, I am counting my blessings and I count you among them. I will be praying for you as you go through this holiday season together. I pray that Jesus will fill every empty space and that He will bring you the kind of peace that only He can provide. I pray that you will find moments of joy and reasons to smile. I pray that you will find much to be thankful for. I pray that God will reveal Himself to you in a very tangible way. And I pray that your life will glorify His Name.

Sweet Blessings,
LeAnn

A Sweet Reminder

I absolutely love the fall. It's my favorite season. I love the crispness, the sounds, the smells, I love baking autumn harvest treats, and I love the beautiful display of colors. The leaves seem to be at their peak this week. Earlier today I drove down one of those awesome roads where the trees are like a giant umbrella over the winding road. I couldn't help but think that a photo would have made a beautiful postcard. And, it was a great reminder to stop and appreciate God's wonderful creation. How often do we, as adults, stop to appreciate the changing of the leaves; that a caterpiller turns into a butterfly; that flowers that die return the following year?

As I was baking a yummy autumn treat for my Sunday school class this past Sunday morning I stopped to look out my kitchen window. I was admiring the gorgeous colors of the leaves when a single pink snapdragon caught my eye. It seemed so out of place. It was in my flower box. The flower box that I did not have time to plant last spring. The flower box that has been empty for over a year. I don't know when she appeared (I have decided that snapdragons are girls) but I felt as though God was giving me a sweet little gift... A gift of new hope... a sweet reminder that He makes all things new.

Of course I had to grab my camera and take a quick photo of it. And... I did have to make it sing! I just love that when you squeeze the sides of the flower her mouth opens up as if she were singing in a choir! Isn't that the coolest thing? It's like she's a flower and a toy all wrapped up in one amazing creation.

It's moments like these that remind me that there is beauty in life and there is hope in tomorrow... even if it doesn't always feel like it. If you are stuck in a bad place today, step outside. Take a deep breath and enjoy the sights, smells, and sounds of autumn. Today is a new day. Let's rejoice in it.


Here's the yummy muffin recipe! I got the base of this recipe from the Everyday Life page of www.Proverbs31.org. They had only three ingredients so I had to give them a try. And boy am I glad I did. I added the streusel topping because... well... any excuse to add buttery brown sugar goodness seems like a good idea!

Pumpkin Spice Muffins with Streusel Topping

Muffins:

1/2 cup water
15-oz can pumpkin (not pie mix, just canned pumpkin)
one box of spice cake mix

Streusel Topping:

1/2 cup flour
1/2 cup packed light brown sugar
1 teaspoon cinnamon
2/3 stick cold butter
1/2 cup chopped pecans

In a large mixing bowl, combine the water and the pumpkin. Stir in the cake mix. Spoon into paper-lined muffin tins (fill 2/3 full).

Make the streusel by mixing flour, brown sugar and cinnamon. Cut in the cold butter with a pastry blender until it resembles coarse crumbs. Stir in pecans.

Sprinkle streusel over each muffin. (I had streusel left over... an excuse to make another batch of muffins!)

Bake at 350 degrees for 20 minutes or until toothpick comes out clean.

Enjoy!

Sweet Harvest Blessings,
LeAnn

I Feel Loved

I am so overwhelmed by your words of encouragement and your prayers in response to my last post "Pit of Loneliness." But mostly, I am overwhelmed by those of you who have privately emailed me to share your own feelings of loneliness. I didn't write that post because I wanted to. God nudged me in a way that I simply could not ignore. I didn't know why I had to share those feelings until I read your emails. I think some of you needed to know that you were not alone.

I wish I could tell you that I'm permanently out of the pit but I know that this is not true. Those of you who have lost your husband, or someone close to you, know that this is a one-day-at-a-time process. We have good days and bad days.

I have two coping methods.

One is to keep myself as busy as possible. The busier I am, the less time I have to wallow in self-pity. The less time I have to feel lonely. The less time I have to think about what I don't have. I find that if I can focus on others it takes my mind off of me. And... isn't that what Jesus asks of us? We should be focused on others and not ourselves. I am not the only sad and lonely person in the world. I am not the only person who has suffered a loss. The world is filled with people who have no home, no food, and who live in fear. The world is filled with people who don't know Jesus.

By focusing my energy on helping others, whether that means babysitting for a friend, making a meal for someone who just got out of the hospital, volunteering at the local soup kitchen, teaching Sunday School, etc, I am not self-focused. I imagine that Jesus was lonely. He poured Himself into others and I am TRYING to learn by His example.

The other way that I cope with loneliness is to allow Jesus to fill all my empty spaces. I don't succeed at this every day (I just posted on www.LeAnnRice.com about my struggles in this area) but I am making a concentrated effort. You would think that knowing that God loves me overwhelmingly and unconditionally would pull me to Him each and every morning but somehow I allow myself to get distracted by that next load of laundry or the dishes in the kitchen sink.

However, I do stop throughout the busyness of each day (the busyness I create) to take a deep breath and allow His Spirit to fill me. With each breath I remind myself that I am dearly loved.

So... what are your coping methods? How do you get through the hard days? We are in this together!

Sweet Blessings,
LeAnn

Pit of Loneliness

I'm pretty sure this is the title of a sad country song. If not... it probably will be.

I really prayed long and hard about sharing this with you but, in the end, God said I had to so... here goes...

I am in a sad, lonely, dark pit at the moment. In the 12 years since Ron died, I have been in this place from time to time. Different things trigger the fall and I don't seem to have any control over it. I don't like being in the pit. I know it will end in a few days but that doesn't seem to make it any easier to take.

I haven't shared this before because I don't want the people who care about me to worry (or commit me to an institution). I feel as though I need to keep a smile on my face so everyone will think that I am just fine. But I'm not always just fine. Sometimes life hurts.

It's also hard being in ministry and feeling as though I would be letting everyone down if they knew that I didn't have my act together. Seriously... shouldn't Jesus be enough? Then I beat myself up for letting myself go to a place where I want more than Jesus. It's a downward spiral from there.

Here's the cold hard truth:

I am lonely!

I hate that I don't have someone who loves me waiting for me at the end of the day.

I hate that I can't crawl into bed at night and into my husbands arms.

I hate that I will grow old alone instead of with my best friend.

I hate that I can't pick up the phone and tell him good or bad news the moment it happens or just share my feelings.

I hate that I don't have a date for dinner and a movie... or anything.

I hate that I don't get included in lots of outings because I just don't fit. I'm too old for my younger single friends to include me and I'm not part of a couple like my older married friends.

I hate it that when I am included with my married friends, I feel like a third wheel.

I hate feeling like this is a life-sentence.

I hate it that I feel sorry for myself.

I hate it when others feel sorry for me.

I am dreading the day that Nick leaves for college because then I will be completely alone... with a cat! I'm going to be the crazy lady that everyone talks about!

I hate that I don't have a partner to do life with.

I cry so hard some nights that I can't breath, which means I can't go to sleep. I just lie there on my wet pillow and cry all night.

I hate that I can't tell anyone.

Anyone but you. I know you understand and that's why God MADE me share my heart today. I didn't want to. I am praying that my friends don't see this. They'll be extra nice and that will make it worse. (Go figure?)

Friends, if I am feeling this way then I am sure some of you are too. And, I hate that. I am swimming in a pit of despair and it hurts my heart more than I can say to know that some of you are in this same place. I am so sorry. I hope it helps you to know that you are not alone. I hope you don't lose faith in me. I promise I'll be smiling again very soon.

But in the meantime... I am giving myself permission to be sad.

A friend reminded me of something today... God's mercies are new every day. I'm going to hold on to that for now. For now, that will be enough.

Blessings,
LeAnn

For All Ages

Hey Friends!

Our ministry division for teen girls, Living with Purpose: A Radical Revolution, has focused on Heaven all week. Each post is awesome and, I think, appropriate for all ages. These young women ask great questions and have great insight. We should never ignore the next generation of influencers. They have much to teach us.

I contributed today's post called, "Glimpse of Heaven." While it was written for teen girls, I would love for all ages to read about my glimpse of Heaven. It's really just a teaser. One day I will take the time to describe everything I saw but I don't feel emotionally ready to go there right now. God will tell me when the time is right.

I am particularly honored that Kristen (the Next Generation Coordinator) asked me to write todays post as she wanted to use my experience as a springboard for providing the steps to salvation. Friends, if you do not know Jesus or if someone you love does not know Him, I implore you to visit www.RadRevolution.org today. If just one person comes to know Jesus today as a result of Kristen's efforts, my heart will sing with great joy!

In Christ's Love,
LeAnn

When Someone You Love is Dying

What a yucky blog title but... it is what it is. All of us will experience this type of loss at some point in our lives. It may be a member of your family or a close friend. In my case it was my husband... my best friend.

In previous posts I have shared how to help someone who is grieving but what about when you are living through it right now. What if someone you love has only months or weeks to live. What can you do? What can you say?

My sweet friend, Renee, called me earlier this week. A dear friend of hers has been battling cancer for quite some time and her doctors have now given her two weeks to live. Renee wanted to know how she could help her friend and what she could possibly say. If you are in this same situation, here are my thoughts:

First, if they are angry or depressed PLEASE do not try to talk them out of their anger or depression. They need their feelings to matter. Of course they are angry and/or depressed. Scream or cry with them. Aren't you just as angry... just as devastated?

Don't try to comfort them by saying, "it will be OK." No... it won't be OK. Things won't ever be OK again and saying that it will be will only minimize their feelings.

Depending on the situation, you may want to learn all you can about the disease and treatment. For me, the more I know, the better I can deal with what I am facing. I like knowing what I'm dealing with... no matter how difficult.

Know that this is a season and that you will get through it. It may not seem that way when you are in the midst of it but you will get through it and you will grow from it. Anytime someone touches your heart they become a part of you. This doesn't change after they are gone. In time you will forget the dying, and remember the life.

Don't try to be strong for them. They need to know that you are upset. Hiding your feelings will probably not have the affect you were hoping for. You may think that you are helping them by expressing "I'm OK - don't worry about me" by being strong but they will feel like you don't care.... that you don't hurt. They need to know that they matter and that you are hurting.

Don't say "I understand how you feel" to someone who is dying or to someone who has a loved one who is dying. No matter what you have personally experienced, you do not understand someone else's feelings. Feelings are personal and individual. They probably won't shout "no you don't" in anger... but that's probably how they will feel.

Remember that your husband, sister, mother, friend, etc. is the same person that they have always been. They are dying but they are no different. They are the same person. If they have always been soft spoken and quiet, they will probably continue to be soft spoken and quiet. They may not express anger. They may deal with this as they have dealt with everything else in their life - quietly. This goes for someone who is typically outspoken. They will likely deal with this by telling everyone exactly how they feel about it.

Also, don't change the way you interact with this person. Talk to them the way you have always talked to them. Changing your demeanor will only make them feel separated from you. They don't want your pity - They want you to be compassionate and there is a big difference.

Just be there for them. They are likely feeling very alone. Sitting with them and holding their hand or touching their arm is the best thing you can do for them. Tell them how much you love them and that you are there no matter what and in any capacity that they need.

If the person is in a place where they are ready to take care of things... be there to help. Offer your assistance. Help them think through what is important. If Hospice is not involved, I highly recommend contacting them. I don't know what I would have done if Hospice wasn't there to help me. Ron and I didn't even know what we had to get in order. Hospice will provide a list. They will even make phone calls for you. They will hold your hand through the entire process.

Help them justify their life on earth. Doesn't everyone want to know that they made a lasting contribution? Take every opportunity to share how they have made a difference in your life and in the lives of others.

If you aren't comfortable being around someone who is dying, or if you aren't comfortable being around the loved one of someone who is dying... do something practical for them. Offer to run errands, make phone calls, get papers in order, etc. God gave us different gifts but each gift is important and needed. You may not be good just sitting and listening but you may be very good at checking things off of a list. Use your gift to serve and care for those you love in the way that works for you and for them.

Ask for help... especially if you are the main caregiver. I remember so many people asking me if they could help but I was too overwhelmed to think about what kind of help I needed. I also felt as if they were offering only to be nice. Don't be proud! Ask for help! So many people are waiting for you to ask. They need to "do something" so let them. It will help them and it will help you.

Listen to them. If they want to talk about their feelings, their fears, their regrets, their hopes for the children or spouse they are leaving behind... listen.

And lastly, but most importantly, pray with them and for them.

I hope that these thoughts are helpful but I do want to add a disclaimer. As I have said, everyone is different. We all react differently in these situations and there are no perfect answers when you are faced with this type of devastation. These are simply my own thoughts and feelings. Please consider them only as a place to start and go with your heart.

In Christ's Love,
LeAnn

A BIG and ESSENTIAL P.S. When I posted this yesterday I made a huge mistake. I wrote with the assumption that the person was saved. I woke up in the middle of the night last night with this weighing on my heart. So this morning I MUST add this P.S. Please... if the person you love does not have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, introduce Him! If you don't know what to say, here's a link to Proverbs 31 Ministries "Do You Know Jesus" page.

A Season of Complications

Hi Friends!

I've been absent for a while but I'm back! It seems as though every moment of the past couple of months has been spent working on our annual She Speaks Conference. Now that the conference is over, I'm finding it difficult to get back on track and figure out what my "normal" daily routine is. (Like posting on my blogs!)

In the weeks leading up to the conference, and many times during the conference, women asked me what I would do when the conference was over. It was pretty much assumed that I would take a vacation... go somewhere to rest and recover. As a single mom... getting away isn't easy.

I discovered the "complications" of being a single parent before Ron died. Our son, Nick, was only three years old and Ron was too weak to do anything other than lie in the hospital bed we had in our living room. I certainly couldn't leave a three-year-old alone so I found it difficult to do the most basic daily tasks like taking out the garbage. We had a very long driveway. I couldn't drag the garbage out to the curb until Nick was in bed sleeping.

A quick trip to pick up milk at the store was no longer a quick trip. I had to pack up Nick (and his stuff) and buckle him into his car seat. Once we reached the store I had to get him out of the car and carry him inside with me. A simple 15-minute trip to the store became an exhausting chore.

Nick is now 15-years-old. He takes out the garbage (yeah!) and I can leave him home when I run out for milk (or, nowadays, it's "Mom, we're out of snacks!"). But... little excursions are still complicated.

A group of my bestest girlfriends are going away for a girls birthday celebration weekend in two weeks. As much as I would love to go and just be a girl for a few days, I can't leave Nick home alone. The other gals all have husbands at home with their kids. This is my season of complications. Even with a great support system of friends who are willing to take Nick for the weekend, it doesn't always work out (and Nick doesn't like having to stay with my friends - he would rather be in his own home).

Please don't get me wrong... I love spending time with Nick. That's not at all complicated. But sometimes, it sure would be nice to be able to get away for rest or for fun. In just a few years Nick will go away to college. I'm sure I will cry me a river when I leave him in a dorm room! But... it will be a new season for Nick and for me. A season of independence for both of us.

Blessings my friends!
LeAnn

Tell Me Again About Heaven

It's been almost a full month since my last post. We are in the final planning weeks of our annual She Speaks conference so my days are filled with conference details. I need to stay focused so I don't make any big mistakes... like mixing up the roommates or allowing men to register for the women's conference. (It could happen!) So, I'm not posting very regularly :(

I promise to share the ups and down's of my life with you again very soon... or in about 7 weeks. In the meantime, I am listening to Cheri Keaggy's latest CD and it is amazing. One of the songs particularly touched me and I'm sure it will strike a chord with you as well. Enjoy~

Tell Me Again About Heaven

Have you ever looked at the sky
And wished you had wings fit to fly
'Cause you'd like to be free high above the ground
Never coming down
Looks like the perfect day for a balloon ride
I've been dreaming
Of that someday by and by

Won't you tell me again about Heaven
When we'll all be there at the Throne
Lord, won't You take me to Heaven
I want to go home

Have you ever cried for want
'Cause you wanted something so bad
That you feel overwhelmed at the thought of it
Just to ponder it
Makes you feel happy-sad at the same time
It's a longing
I've been longing for so long

Won't you tell me again about Heaven
When we'll all be there at the Throne
Lord, won't You take me to Heaven
I want to go home

No nothing compares
To the joy that awaits us up there
When we'll be caught up in the air
And I can't wait for that day
Come take me away
I can't wait for that day
Come take me away

Won't you tell me again about Heaven
When we'll all be there at the Throne
Lord, won't You take me to Heaven
I want to go home

Tell me again about Heaven
The most beautiful place that I know
Even though I've never been there
I want to go home
I want to go home

My favorite line... "When we'll ALL be there at the Throne."

Friends, this is where our hope comes from. This is where we find joy. This is how we go on.

We will all be there at the Throne.

Thanks, Cheri, for putting my hope to music... so beautifully!

Sweet Blessings,
LeAnn

Choose Joy!

Hi Friends,

I'm sure you have noticed that I haven't posted in a while. I'm in the She Speaks trenches so my days are very full. I will continue to be sporadic over the next couple of months so I ask for your patience.

Today I would like to share an Easter sermon with you. I have written before about my sweet friend Anne who went to live with Jesus almost a year ago. Throughout her battle with cancer, Anne chose joy! I think of Anne often. Whenever I am faced with any type of pain or loss... I remember Anne and I choose joy!

When you have a spare 30 minutes, listen to this beautiful Easter sermon from St. Mark's Church in Mebane, North Carolina. The Pastor shares to stories; one story is Anne's.

http://stmarks.lightcastmedia.com/console/3111/127165158

Be Blessed!

LeAnn

Another Year, Another Tear

Ron died 12 years ago today. I can remember the day as if it was yesterday. I remember the details, the time, who was at the house... and I remember the pain in my gut and the catch in my throat as I held back the tears. I have to admit that, while this was absolutely the most painful day of my life, the day also brought some relief.

You see - my precious husband died a few weeks before his body did. I had been in mourning since the moment we realized that cancer was winning the battle and Ron would not survive. When he was still able to communicate, I was able to say everything that I wanted to say. I am grateful for that time. Ron knew how very much he was loved.

Ron's body lay in the living room in a hospital bed that hospice had brought in. They set up a morphine drip that I could control. With any sign of agitation, I upped the dose. It's not like he could become an addict so I figured... just keep him out of pain. The last thing that you want is for someone that you love to be in pain. I just wanted him to be at peace. His mind was gone. His memories were gone. Now I was just waiting for his body to give in.

I monitored him every moment of every day. I slept semi-sitting in a loveseat that I set right beside his bed. My mom and my sister-in-law, Kris, kept Nick with them as much as possible. I didn't want his memories of his dad to be memories of those last weeks. Hospice came in a few times a week so I was able to take a shower and a nap and spend some time with Nick before someone came to pick him up.

The day before Ron died his parents came to stay. They didn't live that far away so they could come and go as they wanted but this time they wanted to stay. We all knew that the end was near and they wanted to stay next to his bed at night and hold his hand.

For the first time in weeks, I was able to sleep in our bed. I was physically and emotionally exhausted and I was asleep the moment my head hit the pillow. I slept a full night but when I woke in the morning, I knew that this would be the day.

Because Ron's parents were there, I was able to take a shower and get dressed and then drive Nick to his gymnastics class where we would meet up with his cousins and my sister-in-law. Kris would be taking Nick home with her for the weekend. Before we left, I sat with Ron and told him that he didn't need to hang on any more. I assured him that we would be OK. Ron was mostly unresponsive but I had a feeling that he understood and was just waiting to go until he felt that everyone would be OK. I talked to Nick and told him that we needed to let daddy go to heaven. Nick was only three. He leaned close to Ron's face and said, "It's time for you to go live with the angels, Daddy." He kissed him on the cheek and then placed a Winnie-the-Pooh sticker on Ron's forehead.

Before Nick and I left, I shared my thoughts with Ron's parents and asked them to say goodbye. Ron's uncle was flying in that day and would arrive shortly. Even in Ron's "barely there" state, I think he new that Uncle Rick was coming.

About a half an hour after arriving at gymnastics, my mother walked in. She didn't have to say anything. I knew. Ron's parents had called her so that she would come and tell me in person. Nick went home with Kris and his cousins and I drove home. Ron's parents met me outside and handed me his wedding ring. Ron had died shortly after Uncle Rick had arrived. He waited for each of us to say goodbye and then he smiled as he took his last breath.

The rest of the day was bizarre. If you have lived through this, you know exactly what I'm talking about. I am very grateful for hospice and for our families and friends that stayed to "take care of things" for me. Calls were made and closets were cleaned out. All signs of cancer and medicine were removed from the house. The funeral home sent someone to pick up Ron's body. They zipped him up in a black bag. I remember my father-in-law trying to keep me out of the living room. He watched as Ron's body was prepared but he didn't want me to have to see it so he protected me by sending people to keep me occupied in another room.

Ron was taken away naked with a Winnie-the-Pooh sticker on his forehead. Someone told them to remove the sticker but I forbid it.

I think I'll end here. I will share about my first night alone in the house at another time. I've shed enough tears for today. These are tears of sadness and some of relief because he was no longer in pain. Next time... I promise to share my tears of joy!

Sweet Blessings,
LeAnn

New Life!

We've gotten through another holiday, my friends. As soon as my feet touched the floor yesterday morning, I began praying for you. The holidays are just plain rough! However... Easter carries with it the promise of New Life and that is something to celebrate! As believers, we know that we will rise again. This life on earth is only temporary. What awaits us is more than we can ever imagine.

During our Easter service yesterday, our pastor offered a "Resurrection Prayer" at the end of his sermon and I wanted to share it with you today:

Almighty God, I want more power in my life and I'm coming to realize that this power... and hope... and promise begins with confessions - confession that MY sins are what has carved a separation between me and you. Gracious Lord, on this resurrection day, I commit to turn from my sins and turn to You. Gentle Jesus, on this resurrection day, I invite you to come into my heart

(choose one)
for the first time
more fully
more powerfully
more abundantly

Through the Holy Spirit, I invite you to take greater control of my life and give me the promised power, peace, hope, and joy. Amen

I was so overwhelmed by this invitation that I wept from the moment I prayed the prayer through the end of the service. As I walked up to receive Communion, I prayed through tears for those who invited Jesus into their heart for the very first time.

If you do not know Jesus as your Lord and Savior, please visit this page:

Do You Know Jesus?

My sweet friends, there is hope in Jesus. He is what gets us through each day. He gives us a reason to smile. He gives us joy and peace and power. He is The Way, The Truth, and The Life... forever and ever!

Sweet Blessings,
LeAnn